I recently had a stay in the hospital for a few days. I was having major chest pains and wasn't sure of what was going on. Even though I strongly disagreed with going to the emergency room, my husband was very adamant about me going. So we made a trip at around 11:00 pm. I was thinking I would just make a quick trip, they would check everything out and I would be back at home within a few hours. That didn't happen. They ended up admitting me.
Of course along with being in a hospital, there are always many questions from staff there. The doctor kept saying that I didn't have any risk factors that would lead me to have a heart attack. But my husband told me that I did. He commented on the stress we have been under lately. I just thought to myself "Yeah right. Everyone has their amount of stress. I'm not any different." But while I was in the hospital, God began to speak to me. I have a tendency to minimize everything that is going on. Not because I want to just ignore it, but because I think who am I to complain about my life? There are people that have it worse than I do. But God showed me grieving is good. I have had several losses in the past year. Not due to deaths, but due to change in seasons. It's not that I haven't had people to talk to, I just feel like they won't really understand. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but not at any fault of his own, he doesn't understand at all. He doesn't understand the emotions that go along with everything we've endured. He can compartmentalize and go on. That just doesn't work for me.
Now I'm not promoting for everyone to act out of their emotions, but at the same time we need to embrace them enough to see them through and be done once and for all. The nurses at the hospital kept asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what was my pain level. I would answer with the physical, but quietly I started thinking on the level that my heart was hurting with everything this past year. When my son was sent away for a year, it was a 10! No doubt about it. When God asked to me step down from everything I had ever known at the church, it was an 8. When I was asked to forgo everything that was comfortable to take in 4 grandchildren, it was a 7. But once I had gotten so close to them and was asked to release them back to their Mom it was an 8. When I think back to the marriage issues, it's a 9 and when I think to letting go of our family house that has been such a part of our lives, it's an 8. Throw in major financial difficulties in the middle, and it's a disaster waiting to happen. My heart finally said enough!
The hospital couldn't find any "physical" signs that I had or was getting ready to have a heart attack, but my emotional heart told me it was time to let go and stop trying to make everything seem okay. It's not okay. It's been a year from hell. I want to release it. I want to be done with the crying and the screaming, but I'm still in the middle of all of it. Trying to find a place where I can settle into and feel comfort once again can only come from God. I can't fill it with stuff, with people, or with keeping myself busy. It's time to rest in God and allow Him to love on me. To crawl up in His lap and just sleep like I've never slept before. It's time to just REST!!!! How about you? What number is your heart feeling today?
"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."
~ Psalm 63:1
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