Waging War!

I have been praying and crying out to God so much lately, I wonder if He is even there listening anymore. I was telling Him this morning that I am at the end of my rope and need Him to throw me His. I've been praying for a word, any word. I just need to know He is there somewhere. I remember when I first started my walk with the Lord. He would show up in ways I never thought imaginable. I would get little notes and see things that I knew He had placed there just for me. But I'm walking this road and I feel so alone. I keep hearing, "Lori don't give up!" Is it because He knows I'm so close to actually doing that? This season I've been going through for some time now has opened my eyes to so much. Some of the thoughts I used to have are slapping me in the face. I can remember hearing about people being homeless and living in their car. And I would wonder how that could happen if there were jobs out there. I would look at situations where someone had committed suicide and think how selfish it was to leave their family in such turmoil. I've watched shows on people that just leave and run with the hope of having a new life. But let me tell you, all of this has become more of a realty to me in these past months.
I understand why people are homeless. I have been looking for a job for some time now and you would think I could come across something. We live in a community where knowing Spanish is a must in the job market and unfortunately I do not know Spanish. Yes I could take Spanish classes for a semester at the college, but that doesn't help my situation right now. And I can tell you that more times recently I have thoughts of "why am I even here?" I feel like God has used me all that He can and my time is up and He is tired of me and left. It's a lonely feeling. And the running away....well it's a quick thought but I know I've done that so many times with my problems that I can't see myself doing it but the thought of a new life sounds so wonderful right now.
I'm not writing this because I'm asking anyone to feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I would ever want. But I do know that God has asked me to be vulnerable and transparent. So if I were to get on my blog and say "life is great right now", I would be lying. And to be honest, I know that other women are out there feeling the same way. So what do we do with all of this? We have to wage war against the enemy. This isn't a battle against the people around us. This isn't a battle against God. This is a battle against an enemy that has the sole purpose to steal, kill and destroy. And believe me, this enemy wants me dead! I can feel it all around me.
But if we can feel it all around us, we need to look at why there is a battle for our lives. It's because we are a threat! That threat is what is making me push on. I pray to do big things for God. The enemy knows that too. And he is trying to destroy me before that happens.
So for today, I am just going to rest. Rest in the fact the enemy will not win again today. I may be stuck in this season until God has everything put together for me, but it's exactly just that.....a season. And as long as I make it though this season even with a little frustration and not dealing it with perfectly, I've still won as long as I am alive and still walking forward! The same is true for you! Wage a war of your own today! Fight the right fight and let the rest go.
We are singing this song at church right now and I wanted to share it with you as well. This is our battle cry girl! LET'S DO THIS THING! CLICK

Home is in your Heart

I decided to share with you a part of my journaling today. I hope that it may help you with any of your struggles you may be going through today or the days to come. Remember you are never alone and He is always nearby ready to heal your aching heart! I know from experience. Writing in my journal daily helps me to get my thoughts back in perspective. If you don't journal, I pray that you would try it and see what God can do in your heart along the way. God bless!

"I'm having a difficult time today. I know I'm acting out in a way of trying to gain some sort of control in my life. I don't want to be emotional. I want to be filled with joy and peace regardless of what's going on around me. I'm so sorry Father. What's wrong with me? I know I didn't have a problem trusting and relying on you when I was single. Now I have a middle man which is my husband and I have to continue to know that you will speak to him and direct our paths through him. I feel so out of control in so many ways. I'm looking for a place to call "home" and can't seem to find it.
A home is a place that feels safe, peaceful and where family and friends gather. It's a place of laughter and fun! It's a place you can go when the world seems crazy around you and you can get much needed rest. I don't know if I've ever felt like I've had a "home". It seems as though there has been chaos around for so long. But what I realized today more than ever before is that "home" is wherever God is. I can find all of those things wherever I am wrapped in a blanket, with my bible, journal and worship music playing. So we might have our house and business taken away. We might be broke with no chance of money coming in soon, but I can always be at "home" with my Father anywhere I go! Thank you for that Papa! I love you!"

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

He is Directing Me to a Hidden Treasure

I have been pondering on the message at church all week and still unsure of how to deal with it or what God is asking me to do with it. Our Pastor talked about how he received a letter from a woman wanting to find her family because her Dad had slept around with so many women that she had found at least 30 siblings so far via Facebook. He happened to have the same last name. And it brought back so many emotions for me. Many of you already know that I am adopted. I've always been curious about who my birth parents were and what they might be like. But I've always known I was adopted and it never affected me. I would tell friends growing up and they would just act shocked and amazed like it was a big deal. I would just shrug it off. It didn't mean much to me.
Quite a few years back, long after my Mom died, I decided it might be great to finally meet my birth Mom. In my adoption papers, I had names of my birth Father and Mother. However, I had no idea if they were the correct names. I gave up with just a little bit of research, trying to decide if I actually wanted to go through with it. What if she rejected me? I had a friend that honestly thought she could contact my Mom and it would be a "happily ever after" reunion. She did the legwork and found my Mom. She contacted a close friend of hers and with conversations back and forth was told that my birth Mom didn't want any contact with me. She was remarried with a new family and they knew nothing of this baby girl she gave birth to so many years prior. So my biggest fear came true. And I wasn't devastated. Yes it hurt me, but I moved on. I had not had this woman in my life up to this point, I certainly didn't need her today either.
So that's not the confusing part for me. I was praying one day and I specifically heard words loud and clear "You know you have a Dad". God was reminding me that I had a birth Dad. And it was so odd to me because I had never thought about searching for him. Probably because of the relationship I had with my own Dad. A father figure, or men in general had scared me enough in my life that I wasn't willing to even go to a place of putting another one in my life in that kind of role. So who knows maybe you will be taking the next journey with me to not only finding a new trust in my Heavenly Father but a relationship with my birth Dad! I don't know why God would say that if he didn't have plans for it. Regardless I know that I am searching for a time with my Papa or Heavenly Father that I can just rest in His enormous lap and enjoy everything He has ready and waiting for me. And know that He will never hurt me. Maybe refine me to develop my character but to see Him in the way He is calling me to. What about you? Where are you at in your "Father" relationships? More importantly your relationship with your Daddy in Heaven? It's time we find out together!

"There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!"
Psalm 19:11 (The Message)

The Number of Your Heart

I recently had a stay in the hospital for a few days. I was having major chest pains and wasn't sure of what was going on. Even though I strongly disagreed with going to the emergency room, my husband was very adamant about me going. So we made a trip at around 11:00 pm. I was thinking I would just make a quick trip, they would check everything out and I would be back at home within a few hours. That didn't happen. They ended up admitting me.
Of course along with being in a hospital, there are always many questions from staff there. The doctor kept saying that I didn't have any risk factors that would lead me to have a heart attack. But my husband told me that I did. He commented on the stress we have been under lately. I just thought to myself "Yeah right. Everyone has their amount of stress. I'm not any different." But while I was in the hospital, God began to speak to me. I have a tendency to minimize everything that is going on. Not because I want to just ignore it, but because I think who am I to complain about my life? There are people that have it worse than I do. But God showed me grieving is good. I have had several losses in the past year. Not due to deaths, but due to change in seasons. It's not that I haven't had people to talk to, I just feel like they won't really understand. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but not at any fault of his own, he doesn't understand at all. He doesn't understand the emotions that go along with everything we've endured. He can compartmentalize and go on. That just doesn't work for me.
Now I'm not promoting for everyone to act out of their emotions, but at the same time we need to embrace them enough to see them through and be done once and for all. The nurses at the hospital kept asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what was my pain level. I would answer with the physical, but quietly I started thinking on the level that my heart was hurting with everything this past year. When my son was sent away for a year, it was a 10! No doubt about it. When God asked to me step down from everything I had ever known at the church, it was an 8. When I was asked to forgo everything that was comfortable to take in 4 grandchildren, it was a 7. But once I had gotten so close to them and was asked to release them back to their Mom it was an 8. When I think back to the marriage issues, it's a 9 and when I think to letting go of our family house that has been such a part of our lives, it's an 8. Throw in major financial difficulties in the middle, and it's a disaster waiting to happen. My heart finally said enough!
The hospital couldn't find any "physical" signs that I had or was getting ready to have a heart attack, but my emotional heart told me it was time to let go and stop trying to make everything seem okay. It's not okay. It's been a year from hell. I want to release it. I want to be done with the crying and the screaming, but I'm still in the middle of all of it. Trying to find a place where I can settle into and feel comfort once again can only come from God. I can't fill it with stuff, with people, or with keeping myself busy. It's time to rest in God and allow Him to love on me. To crawl up in His lap and just sleep like I've never slept before. It's time to just REST!!!! How about you? What number is your heart feeling today?

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."
~ Psalm 63:1