I am sitting in my room having quiet time and trying to find God once again. It's not that I actually lost him but I have not been as close as before. I was asking him last night when I went to bed about what happened. I wanted to know what happened to me. Why have I gotten weak? I remember when I fist began my relationship with Him. I would cry every weekend at church and I had such a reliance on God. I talked to him about everything and knew so intimately that he was there with me.
So I sit here today wondering why I feel so distant. What God spoke to me last night was that "Life happened". When I came to know him I was single and focused on my boys and building a relationship with them and trying to survive financially. It seems as though many years later, I'm married but right back to the same place only different. I'm still working on my relationship with my boys. Some of them are better and some are worse. And when you get married and have step children and families, it's another focus. I love my step daughters, don't get me wrong. They are not the problem, I am! I am trying to find my place in the midst of life, including family life.
I think that we all try to find our "place". Women specifically need to nest and find a place they are comfortable. And I will just say that God has not allowed that comfort in my life for some time. I know the reason is to make me grow in so many different areas. Being in the center of the battle, I'm not sure of what I'm learning but once I come out of it I know it will be crystal clear.
It would be easy to run. I don't know where I would run to. I really don't have anywhere to go. But I can remember one day not so long ago coming back from my sister's house and feeling alone more than I ever have in my life. I had a breakdown in my relationship with my sister and she has been the strong one in my family that I knew I could count on. Once that was stripped away, I really felt alone. So on my way back I cried, no I weeped on a whole new level. And I thought I could just drive and drive. No one would really miss me and even if they did, it wouldn't take long for them to forget me. Yeah the whole pity party thing. I think I had gotten to a place where emotionally I was at the end. I could not take one more thing happen in my life.
I know we have all been there. You may be there today. I am still pulling myself up and out but I know that God is there helping me. And I choose to take a breather before I pull myself farther out again. I'm not in a pit. I am just in a place that God is asking me to reach deep down and find a new strength. Not one I've relied on ever in my life before. When I pray to go to a new level in my life, it means that God has to train me and work muscles and areas that have not been worked before. Life is always about choices and I choose to live today. I choose to give God my life so that He can use it. I choose to just be me, but me stronger and better than ever before. What about you?
"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them." Philippians 4:4 (The Message)
Baby Picture
Orphan Georgie Ann
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Shedding the Skin of Oppression
I was having my quiet time and studying the Word and God took me directly to 1 Chronicles. The word that stands out to me the most is "joy". Once again I am back to that word. After my study time I realized that God is pushing me in a way to feel exuberant joy. Real joy! Not one that comes and goes, but joy that stays with me every single day of the rest of my life. I want people to be around me and realize that my walk with God is not just about working hard and waiting for the next "thing" but laughing all the way through it.
I've been watching people around me lately. I see both. The joy and the sadness. I see people getting engaged and planning their weddings and they are so excited. I see the expectant parents waiting for the birth of their next child. I hear the excitement and joy in their voices. And I look back at my life and can't recognize any of that anywhere. I got married when I was 17. Not because I was so madly in love and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this guy, but that I wanted an excuse to get out of my house. He was a guy that was physically abusive and I knew that prior to getting married. On our honeymoon, he beat the crap out of me on a cruise ship and he ended up with scratches on his face. How joyful is that?
When I was pregnant with my two oldest sons, I was consumed about gaining weight. I was in the middle of an eating disorder battle and that was more important than the living baby inside of me. Once I had the babies, I was on my own. I can remember waiting for my husband to pick me up at the hospital to take us home and he called asking that I talk to the doctor to see if he could pick me up early because he was in harvest and had to get parts. Our joy of a new child was put to the side and we were resigned to being convenient on a parts run.
So having real joy in my life is so foreign to me. I remember a particular job I had and I would laugh constantly. It was great to have that every day. Since I've been home, I'm trying to find the laughter here. It's my own fault that I don't find it. I isolate myself from others. I don't really understand why I do that. I always thought it was because I didn't want to get hurt. But I realized this morning it is because I feel like I'm going to fail. I have put myself in such a position of being "responsible" that I've lost out on just letting go and being free in life. I can remember that whenever my Dad would help me out when I was a single mom, he would send me money in the mail and write a note saying that he was helping me out but in return I needed to call him more. I needed to be there for him more.
I didn't realize that I had associated people helping me with something attached in return till yesterday. I was praying about the words "falling from grace" and God showed me many things about how I view the world according to people in my past. Mostly my Dad. Now I have healed in so many areas with my relationship with my Dad. But the one thing that haunts me still to this day is that I had tried so hard to make amends with my Dad. I knew that as a Christian I needed to honor and respect him regardless of our past. I felt the need even more once my Mom died. She made me promise her right before she died that I would take care of Dad and not be too hard on him. He called me one day and we had the typical conversation and I was praying quietly the entire time to keep from getting angry. And he made a remark and I instantly lost it and spouted something back and then hung up. A week later he was dead. He died of a heart attack. That was the last words I spoke to him.
So here I am a very serious woman. I analyze things I say to people making sure that I was appropriate and didn't hurt them. I don't ever want to leave something negative in the air. And what this is doing is robbing my joy.
It's time to shed the old skin of oppression. God never intended for me to wear it so long. It's robbing my joy. I don't know what that looks like, but I know I will find it very soon. I am helping children 1 night a week. Talk about finding joy and laughter. It's just what the doctor ordered. Or should I say the great physician himself. I pray that you will find your true joy. Not the joy that just shows up every now and again but the joy that is deep down. And if it doesn't come naturally, I pray that you will allow God to show you what old skin you need to shed.
As I was journaling this morning, this song played on the radio. It's been a song that God plays for me so that I know He is still there. I hope you can find some comfort in it today as well. Click
I've been watching people around me lately. I see both. The joy and the sadness. I see people getting engaged and planning their weddings and they are so excited. I see the expectant parents waiting for the birth of their next child. I hear the excitement and joy in their voices. And I look back at my life and can't recognize any of that anywhere. I got married when I was 17. Not because I was so madly in love and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this guy, but that I wanted an excuse to get out of my house. He was a guy that was physically abusive and I knew that prior to getting married. On our honeymoon, he beat the crap out of me on a cruise ship and he ended up with scratches on his face. How joyful is that?
When I was pregnant with my two oldest sons, I was consumed about gaining weight. I was in the middle of an eating disorder battle and that was more important than the living baby inside of me. Once I had the babies, I was on my own. I can remember waiting for my husband to pick me up at the hospital to take us home and he called asking that I talk to the doctor to see if he could pick me up early because he was in harvest and had to get parts. Our joy of a new child was put to the side and we were resigned to being convenient on a parts run.
So having real joy in my life is so foreign to me. I remember a particular job I had and I would laugh constantly. It was great to have that every day. Since I've been home, I'm trying to find the laughter here. It's my own fault that I don't find it. I isolate myself from others. I don't really understand why I do that. I always thought it was because I didn't want to get hurt. But I realized this morning it is because I feel like I'm going to fail. I have put myself in such a position of being "responsible" that I've lost out on just letting go and being free in life. I can remember that whenever my Dad would help me out when I was a single mom, he would send me money in the mail and write a note saying that he was helping me out but in return I needed to call him more. I needed to be there for him more.
I didn't realize that I had associated people helping me with something attached in return till yesterday. I was praying about the words "falling from grace" and God showed me many things about how I view the world according to people in my past. Mostly my Dad. Now I have healed in so many areas with my relationship with my Dad. But the one thing that haunts me still to this day is that I had tried so hard to make amends with my Dad. I knew that as a Christian I needed to honor and respect him regardless of our past. I felt the need even more once my Mom died. She made me promise her right before she died that I would take care of Dad and not be too hard on him. He called me one day and we had the typical conversation and I was praying quietly the entire time to keep from getting angry. And he made a remark and I instantly lost it and spouted something back and then hung up. A week later he was dead. He died of a heart attack. That was the last words I spoke to him.
So here I am a very serious woman. I analyze things I say to people making sure that I was appropriate and didn't hurt them. I don't ever want to leave something negative in the air. And what this is doing is robbing my joy.
It's time to shed the old skin of oppression. God never intended for me to wear it so long. It's robbing my joy. I don't know what that looks like, but I know I will find it very soon. I am helping children 1 night a week. Talk about finding joy and laughter. It's just what the doctor ordered. Or should I say the great physician himself. I pray that you will find your true joy. Not the joy that just shows up every now and again but the joy that is deep down. And if it doesn't come naturally, I pray that you will allow God to show you what old skin you need to shed.
As I was journaling this morning, this song played on the radio. It's been a song that God plays for me so that I know He is still there. I hope you can find some comfort in it today as well. Click
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Half-Hearted Prayers
Today is going to be a great day! I'm telling myself that because I have to believe it. The opposite is unthinkable. I've had way too many of the other days. You know how you pray and believe in your heart that things are going to change and God is going to answer your prayers. You believe it in your heart, but not with your WHOLE heart. It's because we think we are not worthy of something so wonderful. That it is for someone else more worthy - that lives their life without any difficulties or sin issues. Surely God will bless them before me. And let's face it, there has to be a long line of people before me. So it's hard to think that my time may be coming soon. God doesn't want us to live half-heartedly. Or not allowing Him to use us to our full potential.
Let's face it! Who is without sin? I can think of several of my closest friends and I look at how they live their lives and how awesome their personalities are and I think "Wow they really have it together". But at the same token, I'm sure people might think the same about me. I look at how the closest people around me are having things fall into place for them. And I ask God, "What is wrong with me? What do I need to change? What are they doing so well, that I'm not?" I'm honest when I say I am completely happy for them and how God is putting everything together for them. I just use them as an example of how I should be.
Then I realize I'm comparing myself to them. And God doesn't ask us to do that. We are all created unique. We all serve a purpose and mine is different than one of my friends. That's why the body of Christ makes everything happen victoriously. It's the same with our own body. We need all the parts working together in order for us to function appropriately and effectively.
I have to stay positive in my prayers and realize that God loves me so much that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. And He is not willing to sit back and only give me half - but the whole thing. That's why we cannot just settle for giving Him half our heart. We reap what we sow. So if I sow half-hearted prayers, I will reap half-hearted prayers! I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to accept that. I want it all! I will expect big things and I will give God my entire heart. I will not worry about getting hurt or rejected! I know that God is waiting for me to accept what He has waiting for me and know that I may not deserve it, but He loves me and wants to bless me anyways! And guess what, He loves you just as much! We are all His favorite. What is your prayer today?
"This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple." Colossians 1:26-27 (The Message)
Let's face it! Who is without sin? I can think of several of my closest friends and I look at how they live their lives and how awesome their personalities are and I think "Wow they really have it together". But at the same token, I'm sure people might think the same about me. I look at how the closest people around me are having things fall into place for them. And I ask God, "What is wrong with me? What do I need to change? What are they doing so well, that I'm not?" I'm honest when I say I am completely happy for them and how God is putting everything together for them. I just use them as an example of how I should be.
Then I realize I'm comparing myself to them. And God doesn't ask us to do that. We are all created unique. We all serve a purpose and mine is different than one of my friends. That's why the body of Christ makes everything happen victoriously. It's the same with our own body. We need all the parts working together in order for us to function appropriately and effectively.
I have to stay positive in my prayers and realize that God loves me so much that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. And He is not willing to sit back and only give me half - but the whole thing. That's why we cannot just settle for giving Him half our heart. We reap what we sow. So if I sow half-hearted prayers, I will reap half-hearted prayers! I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to accept that. I want it all! I will expect big things and I will give God my entire heart. I will not worry about getting hurt or rejected! I know that God is waiting for me to accept what He has waiting for me and know that I may not deserve it, but He loves me and wants to bless me anyways! And guess what, He loves you just as much! We are all His favorite. What is your prayer today?
"This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple." Colossians 1:26-27 (The Message)
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