I take time every morning to journal. Even if I feel like my day is going to be busy, I still find the time to quiet my mind and write about my prayers and concerns for the day. Not only does it help me to get everything out, but God speaks to me in the stillness of the morning. He helps to comfort my heart in unsettled places and He also answers my questions. Sometimes I don't hear what I would like to hear and this morning was no exception to that.
I have been in a cloud for some time now. Not a cloud of confusion as much as feeling like I'm walking around not being able to see through to the victory of what's at the clearing at the end. I'm not confused in it because I know that God is leading me through. Even if I'm blinded in some of the areas within it, I know that there is something God is doing within me. There are some days I walk in it with boldness and some days I have a tendency to hold back and God has to pull me. And when I say pull me, I mean pull hard.
Since my youngest son has been gone, it's been the most difficult journey in the fog so far in my life. My husband pointed out to me last night just how much it affects me. I'm always so excited to get to see him, but just as heartbroken when I have to leave him once again. I know that God keeps telling me that my son is not ready to come home yet and to have hope in what God is doing in his life even if I don't see the results just yet. But my Mother's heart wants to scream!
Which brings me back to my journal time this morning. I was asking God specifics about moving forward and He showed me that I'm not through the cloud yet. That there is more to endure and conquer within it. So immediately I started crying. I was pleading and asking God to give me a breather. I don't know what else my heart can take. But I have to believe that God knows what I can handle. And I know that with every battle, I've become stronger as a Christian and as a woman in a crazy world. God is preparing me for the place in my life that I have prayed so hard for. I cannot reach millions if I'm not strong and prepared in ALL areas. I can't be prepared in just a few or I will fall apart. Oh sure it might be okay for awhile, but God knows every aspect of my heart that needs work. And if I go out before Him thinking I am ready, I will not do everything I've wanted to do. At midstream I might have to stop and finish the work on my heart that God knew needed done all along.
This is what God spoke to me this morning about being in the cloud. "You have helped change and touched so many lives even when your light is dim. Look how many lives you will touch once you make it out of this cloud and your light is shining in full brightness."
So this is what I'm holding on to. I know some of you reading this may be going through a cloud of your own and wondering when it will ever end. But it will end. Don't look at the darkness of the cloud, look at the sparkles of light shining within. God is trying to show you something. He is doing a mighty work in you. Don't ever underestimate the character building that is happening in the midst of the battle to get out. You are called to something big. Even if you haven't prayed for it, God has a plan for you. You are not alone in the fog. He is there to take your hand and lead you...and even pull you like He is me at times. Don't panic! It will soon be over and you will see what's at the end of the cloud. But you have to fight to get there. If you just stand still, then you will be standing in the mist of confusion and not see what your life is truly meant to be. Are you willing to stand there and take that chance? I know I'm not!
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)
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