Which Will I Choose?

I'm at a point in my life where I want to give up so badly. I want to but know that I can't. I'm looking at something right in my face and don't know what it is. I feel like I'm drained to the point of no return. I used to have such focus on goals and aspirations and somehow I see them slipping from my grasp. This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up to change my life, help change other's lives and focus on a big dream that could not be attainable any other way than through God. And somehow I look at all of this and wonder where I've steered so off course.
I spend every single day with 4 Grandchildren which I love with all my heart. Or let's say the part of my heart that I allow to be vulnerable. I have shut the door to so much of myself that I fear there is no turning back this time. I know I have written before how I just want to be loved. And I thought that maybe I had found that and then it seems as though I'm not anywhere close. Things are coming out of my mouth that haven't spewed out in years. I am so angry. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of the anger. I know that it is difficult to feel so out of control but I should be at a place that it doesn't matter because I know that my Heavenly Father has it under control.
I feel like I am failing and I know I'm not failing, maybe just not being as obedient as I should. I find myself every single day wondering what I should be doing. How can I impact these children's lives and it all comes down to "I didn't do enough". I didn't play enough, I didn't give them enough attention or I was too rough on them with discipline. And then you put my husband in there and his needs, it's even more overwhelming.
Can I possibly be pulled in any more directions physically, emotionally and mentally? This past weekend I had such an awesome time with my family. It was the best 4th of July I've ever had and yet I know that once it's over, it's leaving my youngest son behind once again and that ticks me off. I can see how he is changing in such a great way and yet I'm being selfish that he is not here with me. I drive home only to discover it doesn't feel like "home" anymore.
I'm unsure of how to gain my composure or even be at ground zero these days but what I do know is that this is a journey of either great rewards or mass destruction. The choice is mine. And the starting point for me is to bring myself out into the light. I don't have it all together and at many times throughout the day I'm in meltdown mode. I'm tired of feeling like I need to have it altogether for everyone else. This is me right now and I'm overwhelmed and shutting down. Tomorrow is a new day. I can either choose to make it a better one or go down even farther. I will be sure and let you know which one of them prevails.
Dear God I need your strength more than I've ever needed it before. I do not want to feel so alone and I need you by my side helping me and comforting me. Please do not leave me. I can do nothing without you and I'm crying out. I'm desperate and I need your intervention. Not the intervention the world gives, but yours. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!

Thank you! Everything in me says "Thank you!" Angels listen as I sing my thanks.
I kneel in worship facing your holy temple
and say it again: "Thank you!"
Thank you for your love,
thank you for your faithfulness;
Most holy is your name,
most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in;
you made my life large with strength.

Psalm 138:2 (The Message)