What a ride recently. I think I have had every emotion off the charts that you can think of. I remember back to a Beth Moore study I did this past winter and she talked about letting God drive and just to sit back and enjoy the ride. I could picture myself in a convertible with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair and I was just laughing and having a great time with God. No worries about where we were going because I knew He was driving and there was no fear in the road He would take me down.
So what happened???? I've been on this road less traveled by myself. I can picture a desolate road that leads to a beautiful setting with flowers, hummingbirds and a waterfall. God has had me in the passenger seat and I've been okay at times but at others I've screamed, tried to grab the steering wheel and even tried to bail out a couple of times. You see I've looked at the journey in all the wrong ways. And I look at how I handled it and it seems like a failure. If you've read my blogs before, you realize I'm a perfectionist which means that even the difficult journeys should be effortless and flawless.
So here I am at the end of one of the trails that God has taken me down. It's no longer desolate but it's still not the beautiful setting I so look forward to. So I am going to look at it as a victory. Yes I didn't handle everything as I would have liked. But I've still made it through without any major falls. I didn't revert back to my old habits of coping. Although at times it was definitely a temptation. There were times I thought I just want to get drunk and not care anymore. Who needs this life? It hurts like crazy and my heart is about to explode.
That was God's plan all along. For my heart to explode. It needs to explode. Right now I am holding on to it so that no one breaks it again. And I am exhausted! This road that God wants me to travel is one of letting go once and for all. To be free of all old natures and way of thinking and coping. To love unconditionally and allow others to love me the same.
He reminded me this morning that I have lost sight of Him. I've been so distracted that I forgot about Him. My eyes have been to people I love and their needs which is a legitimate distraction but I've put myself as their Savior instead of Christ. I've allowed myself to feel like I need to do it all on my own. So when the road has been scary and a bit bumpy, I've decided I need to handle it because I think I know what everyone needs. I can analyze life till I drive myself crazy. Somewhere along the way I've lost my Heavenly Father. He used to be the most important person in my life. Nothing came before Him and life was steady. Life was peaceful. So it's time to get back to Him and rest in His arms. Because I can do nothing without Him. Sure He will always be there loving me, but I have to allow Him to love me first. So here I am God surrendering to your will and to your calling on my life. I repent of trying it on my own. We made it through, but what a chaotic ride. The next road will be less rocky. I know that because I will sit back and allow you to drive. I may need some duct tape in a few spots but I know you are the provider of everything and you will surely provide that as well.
Welcome back to my life Papa! I have missed you!
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10
I'm Feeling Better Now! This is exactly what I see for my next car ride with God!
No comments:
Post a Comment