I'm off and running, and not turning back!

Have you ever thought that you had a purpose in life so much that you have had visions and thoughts about just exactly how it was all going to turn out? Our Pastor brought that to mind in his message this past weekend. And it really hit me hard. I have been praying to reach millions for a very long time. I want to change hearts and lives not just in my hometown but in cities surrounding the globe. I had a vision of what that would look like and it included women. I've mentored women for some time now. I love and enjoy it. But I got to the point in my life where I just prayed for God to send me women that need a "friend". I want to not just mentor but be a great friend to come along side someone hurting.
I've went through some difficult times recently. And I felt completely alone. It wasn't that I was alone but it's just hard for anyone to understand what I was going through. Not by any fault of the people closest to me, but it's just hard for any of us to understand someone else's heart. I've prayed and prayed about what is going on with me. Why is everything hitting all at once?
First of all, God reminded me of the prayers that I have lifted up to Him regarding our family. He told me "You're the one on your knees every morning for your family." And He is right. I think we just have a vision of how clean-cut and effortless we want our prayers answered. I've also told God that I would take the suffering for our family. I know that I can walk it out. I've done it many times before. But once again He showed me why He is doing what He is doing. I can cry for my children and lift them up, but it's the suffering I endured that got me to where I am today. If it wasn't for me seeking Him in all of it and pushing onward, I would still be back in my old life. That's exactly what He wants for them as well.
I've had a sense of "family". You hear some parents talk about how awesome their children are. They talk about the grades they receive in school, the athletic abilities they possess, the college they attend or the next ministry they are involved in. And I would listen happy for them but comparing my own family and felt hopeless. How was I going to help my children to attain all of that and why hadn't I changed my life sooner so that my kids wouldn't be going through this pain and suffering now?
I heard a young man talking on the radio the other day and he said he had been raised in a Christian home, learning scripture daily and grew up in the church with a great family. He said that he turned to drugs and alcohol while serving in the Army and got kicked out just a few months shy of being discharged. And God spoke to my heart. He said "See it's not you. You didn't fail. It can happen to any child anywhere regardless of the best intentions of parents."
So I have to change my view of what family is. I don't need children that are excelling in every direction. I just want my children to excel in finding who they are and facing their difficulties in the right way. I want my children to grow up to be adults with a purpose! I don't want them to be self-consumed, I want them to be God-consumed and to make a difference for the Kingdom. I'm not going to push them to find their place, because what God showed me is that we do not really know our place until He is ready to send us there. We can have preconceived ideas of what that is supposed to be and then He shows us why we went through the trials we went through.
That's exactly what has happened to me. I thought I was going to change the world one woman at a time and then God has shown me ~ it's not the adults I'm to reach....it's the youth! We need to help the hearts and lives of our young people so they don't need to work so hard once they are adults. He needs them now and they are here for such a time as this.
I've felt like I've been surrounded by so much drama lately. And God showed me through a friend yesterday....He's building my endurance for youth. I mean come on, who has more drama surrounding them than our young people. If you question that, just spend a day on Facebook.
I can say I know this is from God because I would have never seen myself working with youth. It's a bit scary but at the same time I am excited more than I've ever been excited in my life. He's giving me scripture and direction to help me reach the goal He has shown me. Once we really figure out the call~He puts it all together. It's been there all along. I've just been looking in the wrong direction.


"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Philippians3:2-4 (The Message)

Get out the Duct Tape for the next road trip!

What a ride recently. I think I have had every emotion off the charts that you can think of. I remember back to a Beth Moore study I did this past winter and she talked about letting God drive and just to sit back and enjoy the ride. I could picture myself in a convertible with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair and I was just laughing and having a great time with God. No worries about where we were going because I knew He was driving and there was no fear in the road He would take me down.
So what happened???? I've been on this road less traveled by myself. I can picture a desolate road that leads to a beautiful setting with flowers, hummingbirds and a waterfall. God has had me in the passenger seat and I've been okay at times but at others I've screamed, tried to grab the steering wheel and even tried to bail out a couple of times. You see I've looked at the journey in all the wrong ways. And I look at how I handled it and it seems like a failure. If you've read my blogs before, you realize I'm a perfectionist which means that even the difficult journeys should be effortless and flawless.
So here I am at the end of one of the trails that God has taken me down. It's no longer desolate but it's still not the beautiful setting I so look forward to. So I am going to look at it as a victory. Yes I didn't handle everything as I would have liked. But I've still made it through without any major falls. I didn't revert back to my old habits of coping. Although at times it was definitely a temptation. There were times I thought I just want to get drunk and not care anymore. Who needs this life? It hurts like crazy and my heart is about to explode.
That was God's plan all along. For my heart to explode. It needs to explode. Right now I am holding on to it so that no one breaks it again. And I am exhausted! This road that God wants me to travel is one of letting go once and for all. To be free of all old natures and way of thinking and coping. To love unconditionally and allow others to love me the same.
He reminded me this morning that I have lost sight of Him. I've been so distracted that I forgot about Him. My eyes have been to people I love and their needs which is a legitimate distraction but I've put myself as their Savior instead of Christ. I've allowed myself to feel like I need to do it all on my own. So when the road has been scary and a bit bumpy, I've decided I need to handle it because I think I know what everyone needs. I can analyze life till I drive myself crazy. Somewhere along the way I've lost my Heavenly Father. He used to be the most important person in my life. Nothing came before Him and life was steady. Life was peaceful. So it's time to get back to Him and rest in His arms. Because I can do nothing without Him. Sure He will always be there loving me, but I have to allow Him to love me first. So here I am God surrendering to your will and to your calling on my life. I repent of trying it on my own. We made it through, but what a chaotic ride. The next road will be less rocky. I know that because I will sit back and allow you to drive. I may need some duct tape in a few spots but I know you are the provider of everything and you will surely provide that as well.
Welcome back to my life Papa! I have missed you!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10

I'm Feeling Better Now! This is exactly what I see for my next car ride with God!

Arise My Love!

I made a decision today to live it according to God's will. It could have went either way if I'm going to be honest. Not that I would have just went out and became a delinquent but I have had my share of rebellion lately.
Let me tell you what happens when you cry out to God. I did cry out last night. I didn't feel anything life-changing throughout the night or this morning. But I did have a wonderful friend send me a message with 2 scriptures that God had placed on her heart for me. And once I read them something happened. I can't really explain it other than it gave me a sense of hope. God knew exactly what I needed. He has been trying to talk to me the past few days more than ever and I have put up the hand in rebellion. You know when you tell someone to "talk to the hand". Now God could have moved on and thought this girl is disrespectful and I'm just going to move on. But He didn't. He didn't give up on me even when I tested the waters to the extreme.
I think maybe I test people in order to see if they are going to stick with me or if they are going to leave me. I've had alot of that in my life. I've tested people's hearts maybe without even knowing it and have been hurt to the point of no return. I have a special song that I usually only hear around Easter and yesterday morning in my despair it came on the radio and I heard God say "Arise My Love". This song is about His son but He was telling me to not give up. This is the song I'm talking about.
God told me that the grave no longer had a hold on me that I am a new creation and I need to remember that in the midst of every trial. The enemy wants to remind me of my old nature and he wants me destroyed. I also think back to what I've endured in my life and if I've had to fight so hard to get to where I am today ~ then the enemy has something to fear in me. And although I felt like I was close to giving up yesterday, I choose to stand today. I will not let the grave have a hold on me any longer. I am new in Christ. I didn't come this far to just give up and I hope in the midst of whatever you are going through today that you will not allow it either. If you have to fight for every step you take, then think about why that is. You have something huge just around the corner and the enemy wants to make sure that you don't reach it. I've tried to end my life several times but God kept me alive. There is a reason for that. I didn't get on my knees daily to pray for my children to allow the enemy this foothold. My kids need me to pray for them if nothing else. I see that God is answering my prayers. And the enemy can just kiss my butt because I've had it with his schemes. All the anger I've had lately will be directed in the right place ~ at my adversary ~ Satan!
Let the Lord be with you today and remember to fight in the right way. Not with words like I have lately but with the fruits of the Spirit. These are the scriptures that were shared with me this morning. I pray that they will calm your heart like they did mine today.

"Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:6-10

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:19-23

Which Will I Choose?

I'm at a point in my life where I want to give up so badly. I want to but know that I can't. I'm looking at something right in my face and don't know what it is. I feel like I'm drained to the point of no return. I used to have such focus on goals and aspirations and somehow I see them slipping from my grasp. This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up to change my life, help change other's lives and focus on a big dream that could not be attainable any other way than through God. And somehow I look at all of this and wonder where I've steered so off course.
I spend every single day with 4 Grandchildren which I love with all my heart. Or let's say the part of my heart that I allow to be vulnerable. I have shut the door to so much of myself that I fear there is no turning back this time. I know I have written before how I just want to be loved. And I thought that maybe I had found that and then it seems as though I'm not anywhere close. Things are coming out of my mouth that haven't spewed out in years. I am so angry. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of the anger. I know that it is difficult to feel so out of control but I should be at a place that it doesn't matter because I know that my Heavenly Father has it under control.
I feel like I am failing and I know I'm not failing, maybe just not being as obedient as I should. I find myself every single day wondering what I should be doing. How can I impact these children's lives and it all comes down to "I didn't do enough". I didn't play enough, I didn't give them enough attention or I was too rough on them with discipline. And then you put my husband in there and his needs, it's even more overwhelming.
Can I possibly be pulled in any more directions physically, emotionally and mentally? This past weekend I had such an awesome time with my family. It was the best 4th of July I've ever had and yet I know that once it's over, it's leaving my youngest son behind once again and that ticks me off. I can see how he is changing in such a great way and yet I'm being selfish that he is not here with me. I drive home only to discover it doesn't feel like "home" anymore.
I'm unsure of how to gain my composure or even be at ground zero these days but what I do know is that this is a journey of either great rewards or mass destruction. The choice is mine. And the starting point for me is to bring myself out into the light. I don't have it all together and at many times throughout the day I'm in meltdown mode. I'm tired of feeling like I need to have it altogether for everyone else. This is me right now and I'm overwhelmed and shutting down. Tomorrow is a new day. I can either choose to make it a better one or go down even farther. I will be sure and let you know which one of them prevails.
Dear God I need your strength more than I've ever needed it before. I do not want to feel so alone and I need you by my side helping me and comforting me. Please do not leave me. I can do nothing without you and I'm crying out. I'm desperate and I need your intervention. Not the intervention the world gives, but yours. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!

Thank you! Everything in me says "Thank you!" Angels listen as I sing my thanks.
I kneel in worship facing your holy temple
and say it again: "Thank you!"
Thank you for your love,
thank you for your faithfulness;
Most holy is your name,
most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in;
you made my life large with strength.

Psalm 138:2 (The Message)