Let me tell you about my last couple of days. I don't know if you really want to know but I need to put it out there for my own sanity.
I spent a day with my son on Easter. It started out so good. We laughed and joked around and then he started chatting with friends and watched someone riding 4-wheelers right in front of him and realized what he is missing out on. And then I was angry at myself. Why did I let him text on my cell phone? Why did I allow him to leave for Easter? I felt like I was messing with his healing. And then all the guilt came flooding back from not being there like I should have been as a mother to all of my sons. And it stayed with me through last night.
My son was telling me about his favorite song right now. And I wasn't sure what it even was until I looked it up on youtube yesterday. My heart sunk. And I realized what he is struggling with the most right now. It's the same I used to struggle with. Worrying about what other people think about you in the midst of your battles and storms. He is doing so much good work right now and is changing everything about himself. He told me he knows he needs to quit drinking and needs to hang out with other people but deep down I know he is hoping that everyone else will change in his process of changing. He loves so many of his friends and he fears that he will not be able to be with anyone when he returns home because of the lifestyle that is within his town.
But let me tell you how awesome God is. Last week I talked with a girl that used to be a cheerleader when I coached cheerleading. Her family has always been so sweet and special to me. They never judged me even when many others did. Back to this beautiful woman. She mentioned to me that she is a youth pastor in my son's town and that she has many of my son's friends in her youth group. How awesome is it when God orchestrates everything down to a place that my son can plug into when he returns. I'm praying that he will get to go with them on a youth trip in June. That he will get a pass and realize that he will fit in once he returns.
And it reminds me of my past and how I view people. It's not that I care about what people think about my past...but I have a tendency to guard myself from people so that I don't get hurt. I almost test them to see if they will stick by me to the end or if they will bail at the first hint of sickness or not being happy and okay. I've often thought that if something really bad happened I would be alone. And God is showing me that I'm being ridiculous. And He is showing me to be the type of friend I want in other people. It's the whole idea of reaping what you sow. If I sow into my marriage, children and friendships what I want for myself...God will make sure it happens. But it's about me being obedient and allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's that scary word again. VULNERABLE!!!! Who wants to do that? But I know I have to let go and let God. I need my friends the most when I feel like I am going crazy and allow them to tell me the truth. Thank you God that I do have that kind of friends! They love me through the good and the bad.
I'm going to share with you the song that my son brought to my attention over the weekend. I wonder how many of us feel the same way when we are going through a hard time and being too prideful to let anyone in to help.
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