Fun and Laughter - God Style

Today is a much better day. Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. I hid in the house with the fear of not going off on anyone. And then I think why do I need to act like everything is okay and try to hold it together once again. It's okay if I'm having a really bad day and want to give up on everything in my life. I tried handling it alone and it got me absolutely no where. In fact it made it worse. I tried to reach out a few times but then stopped myself. What if they decide I don't have it together enough and stop what God is doing with me right now? What if they don't see me as the strong woman they have portrayed me as? What if?????? Good grief just writing it makes me want to throw up!
Why do we do this to ourselves? I thought I had gotten past the "appearance" part of myself. But you work so hard at healing and decide it should be done and over with. Isn't that what we sometimes hear? Why aren't you over this already? Ummmmm maybe because everyone tells me I should be so I just stuff it down to try and not offend anyone around me. Why do we have to be a society of stuffing down and acting like everything is perfectly fine when it is far from it? Have we noticed the media lately. All the celebrities that are no longer able to keep it together. And it's not just celebrities...it's in politics and even with friends all around us.
I say it's time to allow the light to be shown where it needs to shine and let's face what's really hurting us deep inside. Haven't we lived a life of heartache long enough? Haven't we faked it long enough? It's time to be real and be consistent. Not consistently sick but consistently seeking and well!
I had a devotion yesterday about just letting go and having fun. There is that word again. FUN!!!! What is that? And furthermore how do I find it in this small town I live in? So that's my prayer today...for God to show me what fun is. How to have it without spending money and starting a trend in this small town of ours showing others how to find this fun here and not needing to go to a big city. Sometimes I think in small towns, fun tends to be the bar scene. And I know that all too well. But there has to be something else! God didn't place me here to wallow in boredom. It's here. I just need to find it. Anyone want to take the journey with me and find it as well?
Let's start a new trend of Fun and Laughter "God Style"!!!!!

"Now that we are set right with God by means of this sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice, there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!" Romans 5:9-11 (The Message)

Waiting for the Day of True Healing

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I think to myself does He really think I can handle this? But I think of what other people are dealing with in the world and I have nothing to complain about. I think how some parents have lost their children and will never see them again. At least I know where all 3 of my sons are at even if they are at a difficult place. But I also need to remember that the place they are at is a healing place. I know that God answers a Mother's Prayer. And I've been praying for them for years.
I am a crossroad in my walk. I see the vision ahead of me and I also know that it is a fight to get to it. I know the enemy would love to steer me in a way that I would just give up. I've done that so well in the past. And it is no longer the past. It is a new life with new beginnings. I've walked through the healing that I needed to and it's time to live....really live. And every once in awhile the enemy places people in front of me to make me try and relive who I used to be. I was confronted with that yesterday. And I know God was with me because I calmly explained to that person the truth and didn't revert to my anger and weeping and crying. Once I left after hearing everything this person wanted to attack me with, I had a surge of emotions. This is the second time this week I've had to hear someone trying to drag me down with their mouth and walk away smiling. Don't get me wrong....I'm not a saint. A few days ago I wanted to scream and pounce a particular person but my new soul wouldn't allow it. I was able to look at them, pray and walk off. Just like yesterday.
So I say the enemy is trying hard to get me to quit. But there are times when God allows the enemy to mess with us. It's so that we build character and strength. I am hoping that every time I can walk away and not lose my cool I will step up to another wrung on the ladder. A ladder to true happiness and success where it doesn't matter what situation surrounds me that I will make it out on top.
This morning I woke up thinking I am not stepping foot outside this house! I don't want to give anyone an opportunity to confront me. But deep down I know if that were to happen, I would be okay. I can face it just like I explained before because God allows me to. He takes over my heart and actions when I need Him to. But I also have to allow Him to.
I can't allow the enemy to take those moments and stir up old thoughts like "I'm a failure and what's the point of even trying." It started to yesterday. I was thinking how hard I had worked on changing and I was not able to walk out in victory yet. But you see.....victory to me means having my family back. So in order to walk in that, I need for my children to heal. So I need to be open to what my role is in their healing. And I know the next step is their being able to confront me in what they feel like they missed out on in their childhood. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be so worth it! The day all 3 of my sons can look at me and let me have it, is the day their true healing begins. And I can't wait!

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 (New Living Translation)

Just Don't Tell Them I've Gone Crazy

Let me tell you about my last couple of days. I don't know if you really want to know but I need to put it out there for my own sanity.
I spent a day with my son on Easter. It started out so good. We laughed and joked around and then he started chatting with friends and watched someone riding 4-wheelers right in front of him and realized what he is missing out on. And then I was angry at myself. Why did I let him text on my cell phone? Why did I allow him to leave for Easter? I felt like I was messing with his healing. And then all the guilt came flooding back from not being there like I should have been as a mother to all of my sons. And it stayed with me through last night.
My son was telling me about his favorite song right now. And I wasn't sure what it even was until I looked it up on youtube yesterday. My heart sunk. And I realized what he is struggling with the most right now. It's the same I used to struggle with. Worrying about what other people think about you in the midst of your battles and storms. He is doing so much good work right now and is changing everything about himself. He told me he knows he needs to quit drinking and needs to hang out with other people but deep down I know he is hoping that everyone else will change in his process of changing. He loves so many of his friends and he fears that he will not be able to be with anyone when he returns home because of the lifestyle that is within his town.
But let me tell you how awesome God is. Last week I talked with a girl that used to be a cheerleader when I coached cheerleading. Her family has always been so sweet and special to me. They never judged me even when many others did. Back to this beautiful woman. She mentioned to me that she is a youth pastor in my son's town and that she has many of my son's friends in her youth group. How awesome is it when God orchestrates everything down to a place that my son can plug into when he returns. I'm praying that he will get to go with them on a youth trip in June. That he will get a pass and realize that he will fit in once he returns.
And it reminds me of my past and how I view people. It's not that I care about what people think about my past...but I have a tendency to guard myself from people so that I don't get hurt. I almost test them to see if they will stick by me to the end or if they will bail at the first hint of sickness or not being happy and okay. I've often thought that if something really bad happened I would be alone. And God is showing me that I'm being ridiculous. And He is showing me to be the type of friend I want in other people. It's the whole idea of reaping what you sow. If I sow into my marriage, children and friendships what I want for myself...God will make sure it happens. But it's about me being obedient and allowing myself to be vulnerable. There's that scary word again. VULNERABLE!!!! Who wants to do that? But I know I have to let go and let God. I need my friends the most when I feel like I am going crazy and allow them to tell me the truth. Thank you God that I do have that kind of friends! They love me through the good and the bad.
I'm going to share with you the song that my son brought to my attention over the weekend. I wonder how many of us feel the same way when we are going through a hard time and being too prideful to let anyone in to help.

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A More Beautiful You

I was taking a shower this morning and was feeling down. I know it's because I keep looking at my body and seeing something I just don't want to look at anymore. And then I thought about how long I have felt this way. How long the enemy has stolen my joy and happiness in life. Even when I was younger, I hated my body. I was ashamed of it and covered it up as much as possible. And I think - geez to have that young body again. But my entire adult life I've said that same thing regardless of my age. When I had a toned younger body I still thought I was ugly and disgusting. So I work harder and harder to obtain what I think needs to be perfect.
I have not worn a swimming suit. And if I do wear a swimming suit, I wear something over it and take it off right before I get into the water and then hurry to put it back on when I get out. I wear shorts that go past my knees so that people cannot see the crevices of cellulite. I won't wear sleeveless tops because I hate the skin that hangs down. Hey I'm just being honest. Which is a little hard to be especially since I have friends that I know will read this and I'm exposing my inner thoughts.
But let me tell you what I did when I got out of the shower this morning. I did something new and different. Instead of being disgusted with myself....I started yelling at satan. And yes I was home alone. But I was screaming at him for robbing me of the joy of my entire life. I told him that he no longer had control over my thoughts about my body. I was beautiful and I am going to be even more beautiful when I let God fill me up with the joy that was stolen so long ago. I told satan that I was going to have the body that he took from me and I was going to be better than ever.
It was so liberating to be yelling at and taking the frustration out on the right person. For years I had taken it out on myself. Wondering why I just couldn't get it together enough to dress like so and so or be able to be as pretty as so and so. I got a new haircut and I am still trying to figure out myself in it. I've always hidden behind my hair. The longer and fuller the better. You know the 80's hair. And I was a 80's girl so why couldn't I continue with the big hair? But I'm not so sure I can do that with this haircut and God is telling me that I need to show my face.
So I guess in order to find my true beauty I need to not only let go of my body to God and allow Him to sculpt and mold it the way He intended but to sculpt and mold my thoughts about who I am and how I think I should look. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else because I was beautifully and wonderfully made in His image. How would someone that created me go wrong? I'm the one that has helped the enemy to make it go the wrong direction and I've decided to take it all back and replace it with something even better.

I think I've shared this video before but I felt it was a reminder for me today as well as for you too. Click