Why does life have to be so hard at times? Just when I think I've gotten to a certain place....I end up needing to seek to be comfortable with circumstances again.
I'm talking about the situation with my son. I have been so thrilled with his progress but I have to say I can see little peaks of the past creeping back in. And so I have to continue to pray for the changes to happen in such a way that makes him never want to go back to his old life. Which once again means him examining and realizing how ugly the past was. And what that means is more heartache and pain. And that breaks my heart once again.
I received an email by someone working with him yesterday. It was very direct and to the point. I had asked about going to visit him this weekend. His dad needed him to sign some papers so I thought if he was going, then I would make it a trip to see my son as well. And in response to our request, we received these words......"Visits are recommended every couple of months. If you want your son to stop thinking that the world revolves around him you will have to stop acting like it does. I know you miss him but that is not a reason to visit."
Instantly I was very angry! Who does she think she is???? This is my son and if I want to see him I should be able to. But I prayed about it and heard God saying "She is right". And once I settled down, I realized the same thing. She was right. My son was there for a reason and I wanted to once again protect him. But like I've stated before, I've tried to protect him his whole life. Protect him from the pain I had felt. We always want better for our children, but when we isolate them from the world and what the world may throw their way, they are not prepared as adults to handle any situation they may face. I learned through pain and heartache. And the reason we learn that way is that we realize how much it hurts and never want to return to that old way of life. If we just walk through something that has the potential to destroy us and God just takes it away with minimal pain, then we may very well go back to that path because we made our way through with thoughts that it really wasn't that bad.
It's like if we go and touch a hot iron. If we barely touch it and barely feel the pain of being burnt, then we will go back and try it again. If we lay our hand on it and it leaves a burn that blisters and hurts for a quite awhile, we will not want to do it again. And that burn will leave a scar that once we look at it...it reminds us of what caused it.
So now I'm back to my son. He has been called recently a "materialistic jerk". When I was told that, I once again wanted to go to his rescue. But honestly he does look at the world in materialistic terms. And I want that broke in him. I want him to be okay with who he is and in life regardless of how much money he has or what he is able to buy. I want him to be the happiest man on the face of the earth even if he was dead broke and living in a little bungalow.
I have to know that God is still in control of this situation. I have to trust him completely and not want to protect my son before he is completely healed. I don't want just half a healing, I want the whole thing. So I choose to live in comfort knowing that God has my son and is taking care of the tears and pain that needs to be endured right now at this moment in time. Because it's just a small amount of time compared to the richness of true living that is yet to come.
"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."
Colossians 3:12-14 (The Message)
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