Have you ever felt like you are failing in the most important part of your life? I have been feeling that a lot lately. There is so much guilt that goes with that. But I have to know that I have pushed through so much in my life and this day and season will not be any different.
Sometimes we walk around mountains for years because we continue to run from what God is calling us to deal with. I've done that in marriage. In fact just the other night I said to God, "Why did you put this man in my life? Don't you remember what I've done to men in the past? I don't want to hurt my husband. For once I want to know how to be a good wife." Don't get me wrong, I've wanted it in the past but just never really pushed toward it. When our lives seemed bleak, I would just shut down and know we were beyond any kind of help.
Of course before I didn't have the help I do now. I have God right beside me cheering me on. He has answered my prayers in every other part of my life. Why wouldn't He answer this one too? And I know how He feels about marriage. He created woman so that man would not be alone. But in my previous life of challenges, I was the one that didn't want to be alone. I looked for someone to love me and it was usually the wrong kind of boy or man. I settled for someone that would be abusive because at least that seemed like love. I would take it anyway I could get it.
I was a virgin till I got married the first time. Not because of my morals but because I was scared to death. I look at how my relationships have been. I was willing to have sex with guys without thinking it would affect my marriage now. But it has. I look at people that are young and just walking into marriage. I see the excitement and joy on their faces. And I think to myself, "Man do I wish I could have been like that". After my track record, I felt shame when I got remarried this last time. In fact we had such a small wedding because I didn't want people to be pointing at me thinking, "When will she ever be done failing in marriage?"
But I look back and it should have been a day of celebration. A day of renewal in my mind towards marriage but instead I allowed the enemy to tell me that I would always be my past and that just meant existing in marriage. I don't want to exist anymore. I want a teenage kind of puppy love for my husband. I want to let go of any unforgiveness or anger and allow myself to love him with my whole heart.
I think what teenagers don't realize is that once you have sex with boys, you not only give them your body but also your heart. God never intended for us to give away our hearts to many different people. Only one! The one that God puts in our life. Otherwise we are just settling. Settling for what will eventually rob us from the joy and happiness God intended for us in a blessed marriage.
But I'm ready to find that innocent love, joy and happiness in my own life. Satan has robbed it from me long enough. I know my husband is ready for that too!!!!
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (The Message)
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