Learning To Love

I realized this morning that I have a lot to learn! I feel like I have been on top of the world since my massage last week. It has been awesome. But this morning God talked to me about the next trek of my journey. Now that I've emptied out the abuse and the bad things in my past, it's time to fill myself back up. Remember when I said God said that I needed to allow people to love me as well as give Him that little girl? Well the part of choosing to release that abused little girl was easy. Now it's time to allow others to love on me.
Isn't this what I've been waiting my entire life for? When I would repeat the words over and over about wanting somebody to love me. Here is the opportunity right in front of my face and I'm scared to death. And I don't know about you but when I get scared, anger has a tendency to come out right along with it. I have a great husband that is trying to show me affection and I can't wrap my brain around it. I know to some of you this sounds foreign but when love was twisted in your thought processes at any time in your life, it messes with you.
I want so much to love my husband the way God is asking me to. I also want to allow him to love me the way he wants to. But when he starts getting into my heart, I push away. So this morning I had to pray, pray hard to be able to allow him in. At first I wanted to run, but once I allowed closeness it was great. Awkward but great. So here I am. Looking to fill my heart to the top with the right kind of love. Not the twisted, sick kind I've known for so long.
I'm sure I've had plenty of people in my past that have tried to love me and I've pushed them away. This time I am standing firm. I am not going anywhere. I refuse to give up! I will allow my husband, children, family and friends into my heart. I'm a new little girl walking alongside my Heavenly Father letting Him teach me how to trust and be open to the people He sends into my life.
I have received several messages from people reading my blog and I appreciate all of your kind words. I know that I have not walked this journey just for me. I want my triumphs to speak volumes to you. I want you to know that you can do this! Whatever fear or pain you may be struggling with today, you can push through it. The hurting only lasts a short time and when you look down the road at the rest of your life of happiness, it is but a small breath in a large room of fresh air!

"For you've been a safe place for me, a good place to hide. Strong God, I'm watching you do it, I can always count on you—God, my dependable love." Psalm 59:17 (The Message)