I have to say this has been the most difficult and challenging day of my life! I feel like I've been ran over a truck. You know how we pray and pray for things to happen and then God answers our prayers but it isn't in a way we would have expected or really wanted. I have to remember that God's ways are far more insightful and lasting than my quick fix I would love to see right now.
I never realized how long I've lived my adulthood overprotecting my children. I love them so much and I've felt guilty for so long in what they had to go through due to my healing as they were growing up. I've allowed them to talk to me and act a certain way with me that is very disrespectful.
This weekend I had to face a huge fear of mine. I was asked to confront my youngest son in a way that made him look at everything he's been doing. And not only did I have to tell him how disappointed I was in him and his actions but then walk out the door as he was just looking at me crying. He looked so helpless and hopeless to say the least. It killed me. But I knew God was truly asking me to release him today and I needed to not let the past hold he had on me continue. I was willing to kill myself in order to save my child. But I wasn't saving him. I was making it worse. In a way I was covering for him. I sat in a room and watched his dad, brothers and counselor call him out on everything he had been doing. Just to see the look on his face killed me. I kept praying "God get me out of here. I can't watch anymore of this." I wanted to just run. But I hear God tell me to be honest with my son. To let him know how much he had hurt me and that I wasn't going to allow the lying to continue any longer.
He gave me a hug and said "Mom I will finish this program for you". So here I am at that place of an answered prayer. I have prayed for so long for my youngest son to be saved from himself and God is doing that but not in the way I wanted. I just wanted life to make a quick change. To not have to be away from him like I am right now. But I can also look back to my own journey of healing and know this is exactly what is called for at this moment in time. I have to trust God in a whole new way. My son's counselor hugged me and said "Now go home and take care of yourself." I am so drained that the only way that looks good is my bed. I would love to just lay in it for a week straight. I am missing my son on a whole new level. And I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face. But I know that he was able to release the lies and hopefully almost felt a relief in fessing up to the truth. I know this is just a small step in a long journey but I do trust God. Because I've been on my knees for far too long for all 3 of my sons to not believe that God wasn't there listening and He is making a lasting result. Not just one that lasts but an instant but a lifetime.
So after many tears and anguish, I start a new journey of changing the Mom I've seem myself to be. I need to be one of empowerment. I know just the Father that can help me with that. And for that I'm truly thankful.
"God loves all who hate evil, and those who love him he keeps safe, snatches them from the grip of the wicked." Psalm 97:10 (The Message)
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