This past week has been somewhat of a blur. I put myself in a tailspin after the visit with my son. I kept seeing my son's face and it was devastating. It was devastating but I know that the face I saw when I left will not be the face that will remain. It was the beginning to an end. An end to the pain that my son has put himself through for some time now.
I was at church yesterday and someone was talking about forgiveness and if we had anyone else to forgive. I thought about it for awhile. I had been through so many healing processes that I knew I had forgiven all the people I needed to and I heard the words, "What about yourself?" I thought I had. I had given God that little girl. Wasn't that the end of it? But God showed me I still felt guilt for everything my boys endured growing up. I make it sound like I used to beat them or something. It wasn't that I was abusive, I just wasn't present. I was numbing out. I was just trying to get through each and every day.
I've been looking through old pictures and realized I was there for them more than I remembered. I've allowed people to speak "selfish Mom" over me enough as I was going through my difficult days that I started believing everything they were saying. Even though they weren't walking in my shoes. They were just looking in from the outside and believing what they wanted to believe. I wasn't the person they said I was. Yes I was lost and searching but I will never give up those years of searching. I wouldn't be who I am today if I wouldn't have endured conflict, criticism and judgement along the way. It's made me a stronger person. I don't shrink up and want to hide whenever someone is upset with me or let's me know when they are angry. Growing up if you would have looked at me wrong, I would have cowered in a corner and bawled. It devastated me to know someone was mad or upset with me.
I remember last weekend when we were with my youngest son. All three of my sons talked with a counselor together to get their frustrations out. I was not in the room but I could see their faces. I want desperately for them to have a brother's bond that no one can tear apart. I know that throughout this whole process God is going to answer that prayer. Not only is my youngest son going to completely heal and step into what God is calling him to do but his brothers will also be healed in the process. They may not know it's happening, but it will. I know God answers my prayers for my boys. I know He is answering them today even if I don't see it.
So yes my boys had to endure difficulty in their lives due to me, but I can't change anything and I know in my own life that God used my challenges to shape and mold me. And I know He will do the same for my children. He will not leave them where they are at. Just as He didn't leave me. And He hasn't left me in the midst of what I'm going through right now. I know He looks down upon me when I'm crying with sorrow. Sorrow that I have to walk through this battle with my heart tore wide open but at the corner of His mouth is a smile. A smile knowing what the end result will be. And I am holding on to that smile. Because He has a way bigger plan for my sons and for me. Thank you God!!
"My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God." 1 John 4:7-10 (The Message)
No comments:
Post a Comment