I love to ride roller coasters but I have to say lately this roller coaster ride I am on is getting rather old. I woke up this morning feeling okay. And then I went to the store to get some Valentine's gifts and suddenly got depressed. It was so hard to feel that distance once again from my son. And I know he has got to be at a place that he feels so utterly alone. No amount of chocolate I send him right now will make him feel better. But I know what can. And that is God filling him up with His love.
I helped with Awanas at church tonight. All the way into town I was asking God what I was supposed to say to these kids. I can't even be there for my own son and yet I need to reach out to other people's children. It just didn't seem fair. But what's fair? Being a Mom to son that is totally lost or being confident in my Heavenly Father enough to allow Him complete access to my son in a place away from home.
I have had so much faith in several situations in my life. I think it was easy for me to turn to God. I had tried everything else on my own for so long that I was ready to give my life over for any chance of change and being happy. I've allowed myself to let go of my past hurts and traumas and yet here I am grieving over allowing the same kind of change in my son. Why would I not believe that God doesn't love my son even more than I do? That He couldn't do a miracle in him like He did for me?
I was praying this morning for God just to put me in a season of "fun". I want to take my mind off of what I am going through right now. I want to be in a season of laughter and joy. And once I prayed it, I stopped and took a step back. How can I have a season of fun when my son is going through the darkest time in his life. Is that even fair for me to pray? It's like I need to be in anguish if he is. The saying is true...when our children hurt, we hurt and most of the time we hurt that much more. But I know truly releasing my son to God means trusting enough to go on and do the things He is calling me to do this season of my life. I am unsure of what that may be but I'm sure hoping that I laugh all the way through it.
Life isn't about the difficulties and pain, it's about the attitude in the midst of all of it. I know there will be troubles but I also know that I've been equipped for all of them. I just need to reach deep down and pull up the strength that I've built up all these years. Some days it's easier to find it than others and today I didn't do such a great job of even searching in the right places. But tomorrow is a new day! And it's a new day for my son as well. And I pray he chooses to find himself in a whole new way right along with me. That he finds his laughter once again. A laughter that is real and genuine.
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)
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