Genuine Laughter

I sit here thinking I don't even know what to blog today that would be any different than the past week. I'm still missing my son badly. I have tried so hard to just be okay and I thought I was doing an okay job of it till last night. I went to bed early and lost it again. I kept seeing my son's face and I wanted to scream, throw things and just run as far as I possibly could. In fact I was trying to think of where I could go that seemed "safe". And all I could think of was a motel somewhere in a small secluded town. Yeah I know....sounds very reasonable doesn't it?
I am so raw right now. I feel all my emotions rising to the surface and I'm unsure of what to do with them. I know what I tell women all the time. I need to talk about it and not stuff everything inside. In fact I argued with God about stuffing last night. I said, "I am not stuffing". He said to me, "Really, then what is the feeling inside your gut right now." I wanted to scream BAD FOOD!!!!!!!! But I hadn't even eaten any supper. It's a good thing God has a sense of humor.
Like I said in my blog yesterday I was totally exhausted. God showed me that it is draining to act like everything is great when it really isn't. I went and helped at the church and knew I needed to act happy. Nobody wants a Debbie Downer around. And I think I went overboard maybe. God was showing me that it takes more energy to show people something other than what you are. I know to be real. I have always felt like I'm an open book. But I guess I'm not when it comes to falling apart or being upset.
I do want to have fun but I also know I need time to deal with my feelings. There is a balance. And I haven't figured that balance out yet. I wore a mask for so long in my life and I thought I had removed it but parts are still there obviously. The part of the mask that has the fake smile attached. And the thoughts attached to the mask that are I need to be happy at all times so people are not uncomfortable. I didn't realize how much I needed other people to be okay and put myself aside. I know that God calls us to put others first but not if it stands in the way of our own healing. Whenever I start to break or cry, I look at the person around me and then instantly realize the focus is on me and turn the subject around to them. It's been a defense mechanism for me for so long. Don't ask because I don't want to reveal anything I don't have to. It's all about needing to figure out how to live with secrets when I was younger. But those secrets have left. They have been exposed.
So now I just need to learn to live life being okay with tears in front of others. And not always needing to seem strong or happy. Why does that seem so hard? And as I'm typing I hear the words "Practice makes Perfect". There God goes again....trying to be a comedian. Even though I want it to be a joke, I know He is serious. Practice Lori. Practice till you get it right. You don't have to be perfect right out the gate. And do not give up regardless of the circumstances. All of our circumstances happen for a reason. And this is my season to allow tears to flow and replace them with laughter...genuine laughter!

This is the song that my son's counselor sent me....I have to hold on to it! That some moment today there is a light shining within him that has been waiting to shine for so long. Click