"Go home and take care of yourself right now" she said. I don't even know where to start. I don't know what the balance is in all of that. What I would love to do is lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head and just be done with life for awhile. But I know that would be giving up. I would allow the enemy to win this battle and I refuse to do that. I've been through too much in my life to let this be the one thing that takes me out.
I look at my youngest son's picture on my fridge and it kills me. I look into those sad eyes. Who knows how long they have been sad and I didn't even realize it. After all he did learn from the master. But I've made excuses for his behavior and allowed it to happen. I did find my voice with him yesterday which took more strength than getting through any abuse I went through. I think I've lived for quite some time now in a mode of fighting for everyone else and making sure everyone else is fine and healing and I've lost sight of me. I always thought it was selfish if I needed to talk about me and my problems. In fact it makes me feel weak. And I never want to be seen as weak. I've fought too hard for too long.
But God showed me this morning that it takes more strength to reach out to others than to isolate and work through your problems yourself. It's more selfish to stop anyone else being able to help me. I know that from experience. I know when I talk to women about their problems it ends up helping me even more. And God told me as I'm writing this that I am keeping someone else from being healed by not reaching out. He has the plan. I know that when I post these blogs every day it speaks to someone. My pain is allowing someone else to look at their own life in a different way. And that's what I was praying for.
So once again I think back to the words "take care of yourself now Lori". And I'm asking God what that looks like. My first instinct is to shut down. I got a call from a friend this morning asking me about my weekend trip and I wanted to hang up on her. I didn't want to cry about it anymore. In fact I kept waking up in the middle of the night and would get instantly upset. I hate the feeling inside of my gut right now. I just want it to go away. And I know by experience the only way it is going to go away is if I release my son completely to God. I can't help my son from here. And honestly I couldn't help him if I was there or he was here. He needs help in a different way. I know that in my mind, but my heart is playing a tug of war with my mind. My mind has the facts but my heart sees the look on my son's face yesterday. And I'm working very hard just to get through this one day. So that's what I'm praying for.....the baby step of just making it to another day without giving in or giving up. Some days that's all we can do. I know God will love me even if I'm crawling through this next phase of my journey right now. My son is at Phase 2 in his program and I'm just beginning Phase 1 of mine. I sure hope he completes his first. Or it would be great if we completed it at the same time. He would come back as a new young man to a new stronger mom. How awesome would that be?
I heard this song this morning and it reminded me of my son. I think this is what he feels right now. Please pray for my blue-eyed son. Click
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that." Matthew 5:43-47 (The Message)
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