Have you ever felt like you are failing in the most important part of your life? I have been feeling that a lot lately. There is so much guilt that goes with that. But I have to know that I have pushed through so much in my life and this day and season will not be any different.
Sometimes we walk around mountains for years because we continue to run from what God is calling us to deal with. I've done that in marriage. In fact just the other night I said to God, "Why did you put this man in my life? Don't you remember what I've done to men in the past? I don't want to hurt my husband. For once I want to know how to be a good wife." Don't get me wrong, I've wanted it in the past but just never really pushed toward it. When our lives seemed bleak, I would just shut down and know we were beyond any kind of help.
Of course before I didn't have the help I do now. I have God right beside me cheering me on. He has answered my prayers in every other part of my life. Why wouldn't He answer this one too? And I know how He feels about marriage. He created woman so that man would not be alone. But in my previous life of challenges, I was the one that didn't want to be alone. I looked for someone to love me and it was usually the wrong kind of boy or man. I settled for someone that would be abusive because at least that seemed like love. I would take it anyway I could get it.
I was a virgin till I got married the first time. Not because of my morals but because I was scared to death. I look at how my relationships have been. I was willing to have sex with guys without thinking it would affect my marriage now. But it has. I look at people that are young and just walking into marriage. I see the excitement and joy on their faces. And I think to myself, "Man do I wish I could have been like that". After my track record, I felt shame when I got remarried this last time. In fact we had such a small wedding because I didn't want people to be pointing at me thinking, "When will she ever be done failing in marriage?"
But I look back and it should have been a day of celebration. A day of renewal in my mind towards marriage but instead I allowed the enemy to tell me that I would always be my past and that just meant existing in marriage. I don't want to exist anymore. I want a teenage kind of puppy love for my husband. I want to let go of any unforgiveness or anger and allow myself to love him with my whole heart.
I think what teenagers don't realize is that once you have sex with boys, you not only give them your body but also your heart. God never intended for us to give away our hearts to many different people. Only one! The one that God puts in our life. Otherwise we are just settling. Settling for what will eventually rob us from the joy and happiness God intended for us in a blessed marriage.
But I'm ready to find that innocent love, joy and happiness in my own life. Satan has robbed it from me long enough. I know my husband is ready for that too!!!!
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (The Message)
Baby Picture
Orphan Georgie Ann
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
No Fear in Love
Yesterday was difficult for me. God was asking me to be vulnerable in front of a group of people at our church and it scared me to death. Someone gave their testimony about the return of the Prodigal Son and I thought instantly about my son. God once again reassured me that my son is exactly where he needs to be right now. And I started crying. I kept praying please God not here. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I want to be strong because if I don't seem strong then it looks like I don't have any trust in you with this situation. I kept thinking that I would share what was going on and people would look and roll their eyes. I just knew they would be thinking, "Get over it already. What in the world is wrong with you?"
I spent most of the class trying to force it back down. I kept looking towards the door and realized I couldn't just bolt. The circle we were in was completely shut. I couldn't just rush out to contain myself and my emotions. I was screaming inside. And I kept waiting for my opportunity to speak but class was almost over. I just knew I could do this. I could get through it without breaking down. Once I was out of here I could go to the bathroom and hide in a stall and get a grip of my emotions. I was literally shaking.
But I knew God was asking me to speak. And it didn't matter what everyone else thought about it because the only one that really mattered was God and I knew I would be disobedient if I didn't speak.
So I opened up my mouth to speak and once I did the tears flowed. I couldn't even talk and I thought to myself, "Yeah Lori this is what they came to class for....to see a babbling woman fall apart." I just knew I was making everyone feel uncomfortable. But once I spoke I felt lighter. This group of people were so supportive. When I pray for God to put people in my life that will love me....really love me regardless of my strengths and weaknesses, He answers. And He showed me that people will be there if I just allow myself to be vulnerable.
This awesome group of people prayed for my son and I know because I was obedient in being vulnerable, God answered the prayers yesterday. He changed something in my son's heart yesterday, but guess what???? He also changed something in mine. Thank you God and thank you wonderful people for listening and being there for a woman in need.
I'm saying to you today.....don't hold back the tears. Tears are healing. When we push them down they have a tendency to turn towards anger. It's not the emotion we started with, but if we do not release the hurt, then the hurt inside turns to anger outside. Pray for God to put someone in your life that will listen and be there for you to help you through the pain. He will do it! Believe me when I tell you that because He did it for me yesterday. I was scared to death even to the point I was making myself sick, but it was so worth it. God is in the business of changing hearts. We just need to release our hearts to Him so He can make the changes necessary. I always felt unlovable. I have a ways to go to let people love on me, but I will take the baby steps along the way. How about you?
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 (NIV)
I spent most of the class trying to force it back down. I kept looking towards the door and realized I couldn't just bolt. The circle we were in was completely shut. I couldn't just rush out to contain myself and my emotions. I was screaming inside. And I kept waiting for my opportunity to speak but class was almost over. I just knew I could do this. I could get through it without breaking down. Once I was out of here I could go to the bathroom and hide in a stall and get a grip of my emotions. I was literally shaking.
But I knew God was asking me to speak. And it didn't matter what everyone else thought about it because the only one that really mattered was God and I knew I would be disobedient if I didn't speak.
So I opened up my mouth to speak and once I did the tears flowed. I couldn't even talk and I thought to myself, "Yeah Lori this is what they came to class for....to see a babbling woman fall apart." I just knew I was making everyone feel uncomfortable. But once I spoke I felt lighter. This group of people were so supportive. When I pray for God to put people in my life that will love me....really love me regardless of my strengths and weaknesses, He answers. And He showed me that people will be there if I just allow myself to be vulnerable.
This awesome group of people prayed for my son and I know because I was obedient in being vulnerable, God answered the prayers yesterday. He changed something in my son's heart yesterday, but guess what???? He also changed something in mine. Thank you God and thank you wonderful people for listening and being there for a woman in need.
I'm saying to you today.....don't hold back the tears. Tears are healing. When we push them down they have a tendency to turn towards anger. It's not the emotion we started with, but if we do not release the hurt, then the hurt inside turns to anger outside. Pray for God to put someone in your life that will listen and be there for you to help you through the pain. He will do it! Believe me when I tell you that because He did it for me yesterday. I was scared to death even to the point I was making myself sick, but it was so worth it. God is in the business of changing hearts. We just need to release our hearts to Him so He can make the changes necessary. I always felt unlovable. I have a ways to go to let people love on me, but I will take the baby steps along the way. How about you?
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 (NIV)
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bloom Where You Are Planted
So I sit at my computer thinking I have no idea what to type this morning. I'm already past drained and it's not even noon yet. I've cried many tears this morning for my sons but for people God has put in front of me lately. I've been looking into people's eyes and I can see the pain they feel. It makes me so sad and angry!!! Angry that Satan is trying to steal their joy and destroy their lives. ENOUGH ALREADY!! If these people don't have the energy to kick his butt then I will do it for them. I know I've said many times before that my passion is to help women heal and God has opened a huge door for that to happen. And I am going to take this opportunity and run with it. I will be mentoring one on one with women as well as having groups for teenage girls and groups for women. I want women to heal in all areas of their lives and to find their true identity. Their identity before life happened. Some women are blessed to have a great life, but many have had things happen that have caused them to lose sight of their true selves. And I want to help them find it.
God has given me a beautiful place to do all of this. And there is so much potential. I am ready and willing. I just keep reminding God that I want to have fun along the way. He spoke to me last summer about helping women heal from the inside out and he has provided me the tools due to my own past and trust in Him as well as friends that will help with the beauty on the outside. How awesome is God?
He has also been showing me a way to stretch and exercise with worship music that has helped me to relax and a way of being intimate with Him throughout the day. I want to teach women how to do the same thing.
I'm not saying all of this to toot my own horn but for you to imagine the possibilities that are inside of you. What could God do through you if you were to dream big? He calls every single one of us. I know of women in our church that do daycare and I see their compassion for children and know they are making a difference in ways I never could. Give me teenagers and adults any day....but throw me in a room with a bunch of little ones and I'm looking for the nearest exit. The same with teachers and stay at home Moms. We all are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment in time. God asks us to take our positions or places of employment and make a difference. As the saying goes, "Bloom where you are planted". Don't worry about needing to be somewhere else to help people around you. Start where you are at and see how it changes your heart to do the bigger things. You are born for this. Don't ever doubt it. Believe and know that God is waiting and willing to take you through every step. You are never alone. Dare to pray for your heart's desire and see what happens. That's what I did and I am excited beyond words. Like I've always said, if God can do this with a person like me, He can most certainly do the same or more for you.
“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:11-12 (NIV)
God has given me a beautiful place to do all of this. And there is so much potential. I am ready and willing. I just keep reminding God that I want to have fun along the way. He spoke to me last summer about helping women heal from the inside out and he has provided me the tools due to my own past and trust in Him as well as friends that will help with the beauty on the outside. How awesome is God?
He has also been showing me a way to stretch and exercise with worship music that has helped me to relax and a way of being intimate with Him throughout the day. I want to teach women how to do the same thing.
I'm not saying all of this to toot my own horn but for you to imagine the possibilities that are inside of you. What could God do through you if you were to dream big? He calls every single one of us. I know of women in our church that do daycare and I see their compassion for children and know they are making a difference in ways I never could. Give me teenagers and adults any day....but throw me in a room with a bunch of little ones and I'm looking for the nearest exit. The same with teachers and stay at home Moms. We all are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment in time. God asks us to take our positions or places of employment and make a difference. As the saying goes, "Bloom where you are planted". Don't worry about needing to be somewhere else to help people around you. Start where you are at and see how it changes your heart to do the bigger things. You are born for this. Don't ever doubt it. Believe and know that God is waiting and willing to take you through every step. You are never alone. Dare to pray for your heart's desire and see what happens. That's what I did and I am excited beyond words. Like I've always said, if God can do this with a person like me, He can most certainly do the same or more for you.
“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:11-12 (NIV)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Puzzle of My Life
My head is spinning today. I was taking a shower this morning pondering on the many things that seem to be going on around me. And wondering how it all fits together. I mentioned it to a friend today and she mentioned it being like a puzzle. And that's how I'm feeling. That God keeps giving me little pieces to this puzzle. And it's just enough to keep me thirsting for more and to strive for the whole thing to be completed.
The one thing I am sure of is that it pertains to my prayers. I've been praying for years for God to use me to reach millions of people. He is answering them but in a way I never thought was possible. I think it is going to be beyond my prayers and what I thought I would be blessed in doing.
I was taking a shower this morning asking God how this new possible opportunity should look like. I was wanting to know if it was of Him or if I was making it up. And He brought to my mind something I had journaled 3 years ago. I can remember it vividly. I had been going through some major health issues and wasn't sure of what was going on. I could not go to sleep one night so I got up and decided to journal. I just needed to hear from God. I don't remember exactly what I wrote at this moment but I definitely remember the word I wrote down and it was "cancer". My heart sank. Was I going to be diagnosed with cancer? I started crying. I said please God not that. What would my boys do? They had witnessed their Grandma suffer from pancreatic cancer and it affected them all so much. So I cried and prayed for what seemed like hours. But then there was a peace that came over me. And I just told God. I asked to be able to reach millions to share your love and if that means it will be through an illness than count me in.
For quite some time I thought I was going to be diagnosed with cancer. My health problems were explained, I had surgery and now doing much better. And I'm still cancer free. But He brought that up to me again this morning. And then a huge lightbulb went off in my head. This new opportunity will be that I am around women suffering from cancer.
I had taken the word literally in my own life and that's not what God meant at all. Sometimes we hear something from God and we do not wait for Him to explain it. We just instantly think something that our flesh would try to figure out. Why are we so analytical? Why do we try to figure everything out on our own? I know that is why God gives me little puzzle pieces at a time. He knows that I would be reading more into everything and driving myself crazy. And quite honestly I can do that to myself enough the way it is.
So I'm holding on to a new puzzle piece and waiting for God to show me where it goes. I am so excited to see this new puzzle which is my life to be completed. To know where my place is finally. It may be for a short season and then God will start giving me new pieces to a new puzzle. But the best part is that I know it will be a bigger and better puzzle!
"Carefully keep the commands of God, your God, all the requirements and regulations he gave you. Do what is right; do what is good in God's sight so you'll live a good life and be able to march in and take this pleasant land that God so solemnly promised through your ancestors, throwing out your enemies left and right—exactly as God said." Deuteronomy 6:18-19 (The Message)
The one thing I am sure of is that it pertains to my prayers. I've been praying for years for God to use me to reach millions of people. He is answering them but in a way I never thought was possible. I think it is going to be beyond my prayers and what I thought I would be blessed in doing.
I was taking a shower this morning asking God how this new possible opportunity should look like. I was wanting to know if it was of Him or if I was making it up. And He brought to my mind something I had journaled 3 years ago. I can remember it vividly. I had been going through some major health issues and wasn't sure of what was going on. I could not go to sleep one night so I got up and decided to journal. I just needed to hear from God. I don't remember exactly what I wrote at this moment but I definitely remember the word I wrote down and it was "cancer". My heart sank. Was I going to be diagnosed with cancer? I started crying. I said please God not that. What would my boys do? They had witnessed their Grandma suffer from pancreatic cancer and it affected them all so much. So I cried and prayed for what seemed like hours. But then there was a peace that came over me. And I just told God. I asked to be able to reach millions to share your love and if that means it will be through an illness than count me in.
For quite some time I thought I was going to be diagnosed with cancer. My health problems were explained, I had surgery and now doing much better. And I'm still cancer free. But He brought that up to me again this morning. And then a huge lightbulb went off in my head. This new opportunity will be that I am around women suffering from cancer.
I had taken the word literally in my own life and that's not what God meant at all. Sometimes we hear something from God and we do not wait for Him to explain it. We just instantly think something that our flesh would try to figure out. Why are we so analytical? Why do we try to figure everything out on our own? I know that is why God gives me little puzzle pieces at a time. He knows that I would be reading more into everything and driving myself crazy. And quite honestly I can do that to myself enough the way it is.
So I'm holding on to a new puzzle piece and waiting for God to show me where it goes. I am so excited to see this new puzzle which is my life to be completed. To know where my place is finally. It may be for a short season and then God will start giving me new pieces to a new puzzle. But the best part is that I know it will be a bigger and better puzzle!
"Carefully keep the commands of God, your God, all the requirements and regulations he gave you. Do what is right; do what is good in God's sight so you'll live a good life and be able to march in and take this pleasant land that God so solemnly promised through your ancestors, throwing out your enemies left and right—exactly as God said." Deuteronomy 6:18-19 (The Message)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Half Baked Blessings
Have you ever been so excited about what's going to happen next but didn't know why? It's like the anticipation of Christmas morning as a child. I feel like something big is just around the corner and I don't know what it is but if God is in control of it, I know I am going to absolutely love it!
So here is the obstacle in that....trusting God to lead and not wanting to make my own desires happen. I have be seeing and praying for so many things that I'm unsure of how it all plays together. And there times that I feel like I'm reaching out to something thinking or hoping it could be it. At the same time I reach out with reluctance wondering why God would bless me that big to begin with. I've wanted to be used to reach millions of women for so long and I' know God has put me in places that I've been able to share my testimony. But I want to do more. I want God to use me for life changes in women. I want God to speak through me to heal women in a way that they never thought was possible.
But I'm hungry for more. I am ready to push on to larger venues. I know God hasn't put this excitement in me for no reason. He is not going to say pray to me and I'll give you the desires of your heart and then say "Sorry - Just Kidding". God is not into sick practical jokes. That is Satan. Anytime we feel discouraged or upset when things are not going our way, that is of the enemy. We sometimes wonder why God is not taking care of this situation. But I know without a doubt at some time in our lives, we will look back and realize exactly what God was doing all along. It is not our timing, but God's. He is orchestrating every person and situation that needs to happen before the true blessings are received. Otherwise it would be a half-blessing. And quite honestly I've had half-blessings before and they didn't turn out to be what I wanted at all. And the reason they were half-blessings is because I saw it in front of me and I reached too soon. It's like taking a loaf of bread out of the oven before it's done. It looks good in the oven and it smells wonderful. But once you take it out, it falls. That's what happens when we take our blessings before God intended to give them to us.
So I'm sitting outside, smelling the sweet aroma and pondering on what is next. But I think I'll wait for God to take it out of the oven for me. Because I want to know that it is ready to devour. Devour for my happiness and joy in life. What about you?
"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."
Romans 8:31-39 (The Message)
So here is the obstacle in that....trusting God to lead and not wanting to make my own desires happen. I have be seeing and praying for so many things that I'm unsure of how it all plays together. And there times that I feel like I'm reaching out to something thinking or hoping it could be it. At the same time I reach out with reluctance wondering why God would bless me that big to begin with. I've wanted to be used to reach millions of women for so long and I' know God has put me in places that I've been able to share my testimony. But I want to do more. I want God to use me for life changes in women. I want God to speak through me to heal women in a way that they never thought was possible.
But I'm hungry for more. I am ready to push on to larger venues. I know God hasn't put this excitement in me for no reason. He is not going to say pray to me and I'll give you the desires of your heart and then say "Sorry - Just Kidding". God is not into sick practical jokes. That is Satan. Anytime we feel discouraged or upset when things are not going our way, that is of the enemy. We sometimes wonder why God is not taking care of this situation. But I know without a doubt at some time in our lives, we will look back and realize exactly what God was doing all along. It is not our timing, but God's. He is orchestrating every person and situation that needs to happen before the true blessings are received. Otherwise it would be a half-blessing. And quite honestly I've had half-blessings before and they didn't turn out to be what I wanted at all. And the reason they were half-blessings is because I saw it in front of me and I reached too soon. It's like taking a loaf of bread out of the oven before it's done. It looks good in the oven and it smells wonderful. But once you take it out, it falls. That's what happens when we take our blessings before God intended to give them to us.
So I'm sitting outside, smelling the sweet aroma and pondering on what is next. But I think I'll wait for God to take it out of the oven for me. Because I want to know that it is ready to devour. Devour for my happiness and joy in life. What about you?
"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."
Romans 8:31-39 (The Message)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Stepping Into The Light
I had my lifegroup last night and we always have a journaling time. I enjoy that each week. And I started asking God questions regarding my future. And He said to me that I am starting to walk in the blessings He has had waiting for me. That He has released me to them and from the ugliness that was my past. I could feel Him loving on me and saying "Well done my daughter". You pushed through. You didn't give up. I am so thankful for everything that God has done for me.
But as I was thinking about walking in the blessings I felt somewhat confused. I feel like a newborn giraffe trying to find my legs underneath me to stand upright. I pictured myself walking out of a dark cave that I had been in for so long and seeing the light. And it shined so bright I had to strain my eyes to see around me.
Sometimes we live in the battle or the darkness for so long, we don't realize when victory has come upon us. And then how do we let go of the defense mode or tools we've battled with?
I'm taking a new journey. A refreshing journey full of FUN!!! Notice my key word. I can't wait. Now I have to train myself to be okay with joy. Without looking for the next big sonic boom to come my way. To know I can still battle with God by my side but the war has been won. Now there will be a few fires here and there. And I feel a relief with my son. I spoke to God last night and told Him that I release my son completely to him and apologized for thinking I could do a better job than He could. I look at my life and see how I've changed and grown. Why would I ever doubt the same could be accomplished with my son. He just won't have to live with the darkness as long as I did. Hallelujah! Isn't that what every parent wants for their children?
I heard a song as I was worshiping this morning and the lyrics are "My life's a love song for you". And I have to say I looked at those lyrics in a whole new way. My life has been a love song for God. It's been a journey just between the 2 of us. He has loved on me in a way that has brought me to the peace I've wanted for so long. And in return I've fell in love with Him in a way that is unconditional and amazing!
I pray today that you will look to God in a new way. Not someone unreachable but someone that will meet you right where you are at. Someone that wants to completely love you with no strings attached. But be warned.....it will change your life! It did mine and I can say everything I went through was well worth it. You are worth it! Don't give up on yourself because God hasn't. Thank you God that you didn't give up on me.
"For this is the original message we heard: We should love each other." 1 John 3:11 (The Message)
But as I was thinking about walking in the blessings I felt somewhat confused. I feel like a newborn giraffe trying to find my legs underneath me to stand upright. I pictured myself walking out of a dark cave that I had been in for so long and seeing the light. And it shined so bright I had to strain my eyes to see around me.
Sometimes we live in the battle or the darkness for so long, we don't realize when victory has come upon us. And then how do we let go of the defense mode or tools we've battled with?
I'm taking a new journey. A refreshing journey full of FUN!!! Notice my key word. I can't wait. Now I have to train myself to be okay with joy. Without looking for the next big sonic boom to come my way. To know I can still battle with God by my side but the war has been won. Now there will be a few fires here and there. And I feel a relief with my son. I spoke to God last night and told Him that I release my son completely to him and apologized for thinking I could do a better job than He could. I look at my life and see how I've changed and grown. Why would I ever doubt the same could be accomplished with my son. He just won't have to live with the darkness as long as I did. Hallelujah! Isn't that what every parent wants for their children?
I heard a song as I was worshiping this morning and the lyrics are "My life's a love song for you". And I have to say I looked at those lyrics in a whole new way. My life has been a love song for God. It's been a journey just between the 2 of us. He has loved on me in a way that has brought me to the peace I've wanted for so long. And in return I've fell in love with Him in a way that is unconditional and amazing!
I pray today that you will look to God in a new way. Not someone unreachable but someone that will meet you right where you are at. Someone that wants to completely love you with no strings attached. But be warned.....it will change your life! It did mine and I can say everything I went through was well worth it. You are worth it! Don't give up on yourself because God hasn't. Thank you God that you didn't give up on me.
"For this is the original message we heard: We should love each other." 1 John 3:11 (The Message)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Holding on To The Promise of A Smile
This past week has been somewhat of a blur. I put myself in a tailspin after the visit with my son. I kept seeing my son's face and it was devastating. It was devastating but I know that the face I saw when I left will not be the face that will remain. It was the beginning to an end. An end to the pain that my son has put himself through for some time now.
I was at church yesterday and someone was talking about forgiveness and if we had anyone else to forgive. I thought about it for awhile. I had been through so many healing processes that I knew I had forgiven all the people I needed to and I heard the words, "What about yourself?" I thought I had. I had given God that little girl. Wasn't that the end of it? But God showed me I still felt guilt for everything my boys endured growing up. I make it sound like I used to beat them or something. It wasn't that I was abusive, I just wasn't present. I was numbing out. I was just trying to get through each and every day.
I've been looking through old pictures and realized I was there for them more than I remembered. I've allowed people to speak "selfish Mom" over me enough as I was going through my difficult days that I started believing everything they were saying. Even though they weren't walking in my shoes. They were just looking in from the outside and believing what they wanted to believe. I wasn't the person they said I was. Yes I was lost and searching but I will never give up those years of searching. I wouldn't be who I am today if I wouldn't have endured conflict, criticism and judgement along the way. It's made me a stronger person. I don't shrink up and want to hide whenever someone is upset with me or let's me know when they are angry. Growing up if you would have looked at me wrong, I would have cowered in a corner and bawled. It devastated me to know someone was mad or upset with me.
I remember last weekend when we were with my youngest son. All three of my sons talked with a counselor together to get their frustrations out. I was not in the room but I could see their faces. I want desperately for them to have a brother's bond that no one can tear apart. I know that throughout this whole process God is going to answer that prayer. Not only is my youngest son going to completely heal and step into what God is calling him to do but his brothers will also be healed in the process. They may not know it's happening, but it will. I know God answers my prayers for my boys. I know He is answering them today even if I don't see it.
So yes my boys had to endure difficulty in their lives due to me, but I can't change anything and I know in my own life that God used my challenges to shape and mold me. And I know He will do the same for my children. He will not leave them where they are at. Just as He didn't leave me. And He hasn't left me in the midst of what I'm going through right now. I know He looks down upon me when I'm crying with sorrow. Sorrow that I have to walk through this battle with my heart tore wide open but at the corner of His mouth is a smile. A smile knowing what the end result will be. And I am holding on to that smile. Because He has a way bigger plan for my sons and for me. Thank you God!!
"My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God." 1 John 4:7-10 (The Message)
I was at church yesterday and someone was talking about forgiveness and if we had anyone else to forgive. I thought about it for awhile. I had been through so many healing processes that I knew I had forgiven all the people I needed to and I heard the words, "What about yourself?" I thought I had. I had given God that little girl. Wasn't that the end of it? But God showed me I still felt guilt for everything my boys endured growing up. I make it sound like I used to beat them or something. It wasn't that I was abusive, I just wasn't present. I was numbing out. I was just trying to get through each and every day.
I've been looking through old pictures and realized I was there for them more than I remembered. I've allowed people to speak "selfish Mom" over me enough as I was going through my difficult days that I started believing everything they were saying. Even though they weren't walking in my shoes. They were just looking in from the outside and believing what they wanted to believe. I wasn't the person they said I was. Yes I was lost and searching but I will never give up those years of searching. I wouldn't be who I am today if I wouldn't have endured conflict, criticism and judgement along the way. It's made me a stronger person. I don't shrink up and want to hide whenever someone is upset with me or let's me know when they are angry. Growing up if you would have looked at me wrong, I would have cowered in a corner and bawled. It devastated me to know someone was mad or upset with me.
I remember last weekend when we were with my youngest son. All three of my sons talked with a counselor together to get their frustrations out. I was not in the room but I could see their faces. I want desperately for them to have a brother's bond that no one can tear apart. I know that throughout this whole process God is going to answer that prayer. Not only is my youngest son going to completely heal and step into what God is calling him to do but his brothers will also be healed in the process. They may not know it's happening, but it will. I know God answers my prayers for my boys. I know He is answering them today even if I don't see it.
So yes my boys had to endure difficulty in their lives due to me, but I can't change anything and I know in my own life that God used my challenges to shape and mold me. And I know He will do the same for my children. He will not leave them where they are at. Just as He didn't leave me. And He hasn't left me in the midst of what I'm going through right now. I know He looks down upon me when I'm crying with sorrow. Sorrow that I have to walk through this battle with my heart tore wide open but at the corner of His mouth is a smile. A smile knowing what the end result will be. And I am holding on to that smile. Because He has a way bigger plan for my sons and for me. Thank you God!!
"My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God." 1 John 4:7-10 (The Message)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Genuine Laughter
I sit here thinking I don't even know what to blog today that would be any different than the past week. I'm still missing my son badly. I have tried so hard to just be okay and I thought I was doing an okay job of it till last night. I went to bed early and lost it again. I kept seeing my son's face and I wanted to scream, throw things and just run as far as I possibly could. In fact I was trying to think of where I could go that seemed "safe". And all I could think of was a motel somewhere in a small secluded town. Yeah I know....sounds very reasonable doesn't it?
I am so raw right now. I feel all my emotions rising to the surface and I'm unsure of what to do with them. I know what I tell women all the time. I need to talk about it and not stuff everything inside. In fact I argued with God about stuffing last night. I said, "I am not stuffing". He said to me, "Really, then what is the feeling inside your gut right now." I wanted to scream BAD FOOD!!!!!!!! But I hadn't even eaten any supper. It's a good thing God has a sense of humor.
Like I said in my blog yesterday I was totally exhausted. God showed me that it is draining to act like everything is great when it really isn't. I went and helped at the church and knew I needed to act happy. Nobody wants a Debbie Downer around. And I think I went overboard maybe. God was showing me that it takes more energy to show people something other than what you are. I know to be real. I have always felt like I'm an open book. But I guess I'm not when it comes to falling apart or being upset.
I do want to have fun but I also know I need time to deal with my feelings. There is a balance. And I haven't figured that balance out yet. I wore a mask for so long in my life and I thought I had removed it but parts are still there obviously. The part of the mask that has the fake smile attached. And the thoughts attached to the mask that are I need to be happy at all times so people are not uncomfortable. I didn't realize how much I needed other people to be okay and put myself aside. I know that God calls us to put others first but not if it stands in the way of our own healing. Whenever I start to break or cry, I look at the person around me and then instantly realize the focus is on me and turn the subject around to them. It's been a defense mechanism for me for so long. Don't ask because I don't want to reveal anything I don't have to. It's all about needing to figure out how to live with secrets when I was younger. But those secrets have left. They have been exposed.
So now I just need to learn to live life being okay with tears in front of others. And not always needing to seem strong or happy. Why does that seem so hard? And as I'm typing I hear the words "Practice makes Perfect". There God goes again....trying to be a comedian. Even though I want it to be a joke, I know He is serious. Practice Lori. Practice till you get it right. You don't have to be perfect right out the gate. And do not give up regardless of the circumstances. All of our circumstances happen for a reason. And this is my season to allow tears to flow and replace them with laughter...genuine laughter!
This is the song that my son's counselor sent me....I have to hold on to it! That some moment today there is a light shining within him that has been waiting to shine for so long. Click
I am so raw right now. I feel all my emotions rising to the surface and I'm unsure of what to do with them. I know what I tell women all the time. I need to talk about it and not stuff everything inside. In fact I argued with God about stuffing last night. I said, "I am not stuffing". He said to me, "Really, then what is the feeling inside your gut right now." I wanted to scream BAD FOOD!!!!!!!! But I hadn't even eaten any supper. It's a good thing God has a sense of humor.
Like I said in my blog yesterday I was totally exhausted. God showed me that it is draining to act like everything is great when it really isn't. I went and helped at the church and knew I needed to act happy. Nobody wants a Debbie Downer around. And I think I went overboard maybe. God was showing me that it takes more energy to show people something other than what you are. I know to be real. I have always felt like I'm an open book. But I guess I'm not when it comes to falling apart or being upset.
I do want to have fun but I also know I need time to deal with my feelings. There is a balance. And I haven't figured that balance out yet. I wore a mask for so long in my life and I thought I had removed it but parts are still there obviously. The part of the mask that has the fake smile attached. And the thoughts attached to the mask that are I need to be happy at all times so people are not uncomfortable. I didn't realize how much I needed other people to be okay and put myself aside. I know that God calls us to put others first but not if it stands in the way of our own healing. Whenever I start to break or cry, I look at the person around me and then instantly realize the focus is on me and turn the subject around to them. It's been a defense mechanism for me for so long. Don't ask because I don't want to reveal anything I don't have to. It's all about needing to figure out how to live with secrets when I was younger. But those secrets have left. They have been exposed.
So now I just need to learn to live life being okay with tears in front of others. And not always needing to seem strong or happy. Why does that seem so hard? And as I'm typing I hear the words "Practice makes Perfect". There God goes again....trying to be a comedian. Even though I want it to be a joke, I know He is serious. Practice Lori. Practice till you get it right. You don't have to be perfect right out the gate. And do not give up regardless of the circumstances. All of our circumstances happen for a reason. And this is my season to allow tears to flow and replace them with laughter...genuine laughter!
This is the song that my son's counselor sent me....I have to hold on to it! That some moment today there is a light shining within him that has been waiting to shine for so long. Click
Friday, February 12, 2010
He Calls Us To Rest
I am past the point of exhaustion today. It's funny when we get emotionally drained how it takes so much out of you. And I continue to hear God ask me to rest. He is telling me I need to rest up for what is next. Because soon I will hit the floor running and not have a chance to take care of myself as He is giving me at this moment in time. I find that very hard to do. I feel guilty, but most of all lazy.
But I know I need to. I can feel my entire body and mind telling me enough already. Just stop! I know I've stated before that when I left this past weekend from visiting my son, I was told to go home and take care of myself. And I really haven't done that. I've always put myself last. It didn't matter if I was struggling, I would try and push on. I can say there have been a few instances where I've tried to take a breather when I felt so overwhelmed and it's backfired. And I can honestly say at a certain point in my life I was the same way. I would see someone going through a hard time and I wanted to say enough already. Suck it up. That's what I've done and I'm doing okay. Really? Yeah I was doing just fine. I was shoving and stuffing as fast as I possibly could. I had no energy and was not able to concentrate. And I'm starting to feel that way again.
We live in a society where everything is fast paced and I want it now. And if we do take some time to rest for ourselves, we seem as if we are not strong or even lazy. Do we ever really stop and think that we or the people around us are being asked to take a season of rest. That there is a genuine purpose for it. And sometimes we ignore God enough that He just decides He will find a way to make us rest by sickness or illness. He finds more subtle ways to get our attention.
In fact He did that a few years back. I had a major surgery. I was barely able to walk when I got home due to most of my stomach being cut open. The day after I was released, my husband of course needed to work. We are self-employed. There's no money coming in if he stays home. My sister couldn't make it down due to her job and I didn't want to bother anyone to help me. So what did I do. I decided I was going to get better right away. I pushed and pushed myself till I was walking around and able to do things for myself. I really didn't have a choice. But it comes down to asking for help. Something in which I refuse to do. It's the same with the rock wall I talked about in another blog.
I don't know which season God is calling you to right now but I'm sure if you listen long enough to your body, it will tell you. When God calls us to do certain things, He is going to give us the energy to sustain what we need to do. But if you are at the point of exhaustion and getting upset easily, then it's time to take a step back and see what God is saying. This may just be your season of rest. And by that I don't mean going to bed and sleeping all day long, but pressing in to God and taking quiet times throughout the day. Choosing events that you can give up to be home a little bit more. Ask for help where you can.
As I'm typing this, I realize I need to really take this advice. I honestly do not want God to make me rest. I want to do it on my own. It's so much easier that way. He knows what my needs are. I just need to listen, submit and be obedient.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5 (NIV)
But I know I need to. I can feel my entire body and mind telling me enough already. Just stop! I know I've stated before that when I left this past weekend from visiting my son, I was told to go home and take care of myself. And I really haven't done that. I've always put myself last. It didn't matter if I was struggling, I would try and push on. I can say there have been a few instances where I've tried to take a breather when I felt so overwhelmed and it's backfired. And I can honestly say at a certain point in my life I was the same way. I would see someone going through a hard time and I wanted to say enough already. Suck it up. That's what I've done and I'm doing okay. Really? Yeah I was doing just fine. I was shoving and stuffing as fast as I possibly could. I had no energy and was not able to concentrate. And I'm starting to feel that way again.
We live in a society where everything is fast paced and I want it now. And if we do take some time to rest for ourselves, we seem as if we are not strong or even lazy. Do we ever really stop and think that we or the people around us are being asked to take a season of rest. That there is a genuine purpose for it. And sometimes we ignore God enough that He just decides He will find a way to make us rest by sickness or illness. He finds more subtle ways to get our attention.
In fact He did that a few years back. I had a major surgery. I was barely able to walk when I got home due to most of my stomach being cut open. The day after I was released, my husband of course needed to work. We are self-employed. There's no money coming in if he stays home. My sister couldn't make it down due to her job and I didn't want to bother anyone to help me. So what did I do. I decided I was going to get better right away. I pushed and pushed myself till I was walking around and able to do things for myself. I really didn't have a choice. But it comes down to asking for help. Something in which I refuse to do. It's the same with the rock wall I talked about in another blog.
I don't know which season God is calling you to right now but I'm sure if you listen long enough to your body, it will tell you. When God calls us to do certain things, He is going to give us the energy to sustain what we need to do. But if you are at the point of exhaustion and getting upset easily, then it's time to take a step back and see what God is saying. This may just be your season of rest. And by that I don't mean going to bed and sleeping all day long, but pressing in to God and taking quiet times throughout the day. Choosing events that you can give up to be home a little bit more. Ask for help where you can.
As I'm typing this, I realize I need to really take this advice. I honestly do not want God to make me rest. I want to do it on my own. It's so much easier that way. He knows what my needs are. I just need to listen, submit and be obedient.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5 (NIV)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Love Never Gives Up
I'm crawling to the finish line today. The finish line meaning the completion of another day. I cannot move and I feel like I just want to be done. I'm saying "feel like" because I know it's a feeling and that's all. I know I cannot give up. I didn't come this far and work so hard in my life to stop now. But to be honest I'm ready to crawl into my bed and sleep. I hate this feeling!!! I don't think I've ever felt exactly like this before. Maybe because before it just was about me and my healing. I haven't ever felt so helpless in a situation. I always knew I was in control because it had to do with me. If I gave up it only affected me, but in reality if I would have given up it would have affected the ones I love around me even more.
I've been strolling around the house much like a woman with no purpose. I am feeling totally defeated. Isn't that what the enemy would love for me to feel? I've been so used to depending on myself for so long and it seems as though I've had the strength to do just that. But I don't know if I can do this one alone. With alone I'm not saying completely alone. I know I've always had God. I mean by asking for help from those around me. I hate to be a nuisance to anyone. I don't want to bother people. After all everyone has their own struggles. Why would I bother anyone with mine. I have fallen apart in front of friends before and I know that they feel uncomfortable. It's hard to know how to react and I know they worry about saying the right thing. So I've learned to suck it up, pull the strength from deep down and walk through it without asking for anything.
I found a picture of my son this morning. I looked at it and started crying. It was a picture of him and his brother playing in the mud at their Grandma's house. He was completely covered in mud. In fact the only thing sticking out of the mud was his head and hands. God asked me to send it to him. And I looked through a whole stack of pictures thinking I could surely find a better one. But it didn't matter I knew this was the one. As I looked over it again God spoke to me. This is where your son is at right now. He is in the deepest pit he could ever be in. But his head is above ground and his hands are up ready to be pulled out. All he has to do is ask. And then God spoke to me and said you are in the same place. Except the way in which you can be pulled out is different. You will need to rely on the people that love you and I've put into your life for such a time as this.
What?????? You've got to be kidding me! God - I'm sure I heard you wrong. You know that people scare me. Have I ever really had anyone I can truly trust in my life? I've had close friends that I trusted and felt they were like a sister and then one thing happened and they acted like I was their worse enemy. Anything but that God!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!
From my past abuse I have had a fear of man. It was easy to trust God because I knew how much He loved me. He showed me all the time. But people are a different story. Remember when I talked about emptying out so that God could fill me back up? Well this is what He is trying to do...fill me up with the right kind of love that comes from someone other than Him. I'm at a place where God is calling me to die to myself once again. I sure hope I'm up for the challenge.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:3-7
I've been strolling around the house much like a woman with no purpose. I am feeling totally defeated. Isn't that what the enemy would love for me to feel? I've been so used to depending on myself for so long and it seems as though I've had the strength to do just that. But I don't know if I can do this one alone. With alone I'm not saying completely alone. I know I've always had God. I mean by asking for help from those around me. I hate to be a nuisance to anyone. I don't want to bother people. After all everyone has their own struggles. Why would I bother anyone with mine. I have fallen apart in front of friends before and I know that they feel uncomfortable. It's hard to know how to react and I know they worry about saying the right thing. So I've learned to suck it up, pull the strength from deep down and walk through it without asking for anything.
I found a picture of my son this morning. I looked at it and started crying. It was a picture of him and his brother playing in the mud at their Grandma's house. He was completely covered in mud. In fact the only thing sticking out of the mud was his head and hands. God asked me to send it to him. And I looked through a whole stack of pictures thinking I could surely find a better one. But it didn't matter I knew this was the one. As I looked over it again God spoke to me. This is where your son is at right now. He is in the deepest pit he could ever be in. But his head is above ground and his hands are up ready to be pulled out. All he has to do is ask. And then God spoke to me and said you are in the same place. Except the way in which you can be pulled out is different. You will need to rely on the people that love you and I've put into your life for such a time as this.
What?????? You've got to be kidding me! God - I'm sure I heard you wrong. You know that people scare me. Have I ever really had anyone I can truly trust in my life? I've had close friends that I trusted and felt they were like a sister and then one thing happened and they acted like I was their worse enemy. Anything but that God!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!
From my past abuse I have had a fear of man. It was easy to trust God because I knew how much He loved me. He showed me all the time. But people are a different story. Remember when I talked about emptying out so that God could fill me back up? Well this is what He is trying to do...fill me up with the right kind of love that comes from someone other than Him. I'm at a place where God is calling me to die to myself once again. I sure hope I'm up for the challenge.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:3-7
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Get Me Off This Ride!
I love to ride roller coasters but I have to say lately this roller coaster ride I am on is getting rather old. I woke up this morning feeling okay. And then I went to the store to get some Valentine's gifts and suddenly got depressed. It was so hard to feel that distance once again from my son. And I know he has got to be at a place that he feels so utterly alone. No amount of chocolate I send him right now will make him feel better. But I know what can. And that is God filling him up with His love.
I helped with Awanas at church tonight. All the way into town I was asking God what I was supposed to say to these kids. I can't even be there for my own son and yet I need to reach out to other people's children. It just didn't seem fair. But what's fair? Being a Mom to son that is totally lost or being confident in my Heavenly Father enough to allow Him complete access to my son in a place away from home.
I have had so much faith in several situations in my life. I think it was easy for me to turn to God. I had tried everything else on my own for so long that I was ready to give my life over for any chance of change and being happy. I've allowed myself to let go of my past hurts and traumas and yet here I am grieving over allowing the same kind of change in my son. Why would I not believe that God doesn't love my son even more than I do? That He couldn't do a miracle in him like He did for me?
I was praying this morning for God just to put me in a season of "fun". I want to take my mind off of what I am going through right now. I want to be in a season of laughter and joy. And once I prayed it, I stopped and took a step back. How can I have a season of fun when my son is going through the darkest time in his life. Is that even fair for me to pray? It's like I need to be in anguish if he is. The saying is true...when our children hurt, we hurt and most of the time we hurt that much more. But I know truly releasing my son to God means trusting enough to go on and do the things He is calling me to do this season of my life. I am unsure of what that may be but I'm sure hoping that I laugh all the way through it.
Life isn't about the difficulties and pain, it's about the attitude in the midst of all of it. I know there will be troubles but I also know that I've been equipped for all of them. I just need to reach deep down and pull up the strength that I've built up all these years. Some days it's easier to find it than others and today I didn't do such a great job of even searching in the right places. But tomorrow is a new day! And it's a new day for my son as well. And I pray he chooses to find himself in a whole new way right along with me. That he finds his laughter once again. A laughter that is real and genuine.
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)
I helped with Awanas at church tonight. All the way into town I was asking God what I was supposed to say to these kids. I can't even be there for my own son and yet I need to reach out to other people's children. It just didn't seem fair. But what's fair? Being a Mom to son that is totally lost or being confident in my Heavenly Father enough to allow Him complete access to my son in a place away from home.
I have had so much faith in several situations in my life. I think it was easy for me to turn to God. I had tried everything else on my own for so long that I was ready to give my life over for any chance of change and being happy. I've allowed myself to let go of my past hurts and traumas and yet here I am grieving over allowing the same kind of change in my son. Why would I not believe that God doesn't love my son even more than I do? That He couldn't do a miracle in him like He did for me?
I was praying this morning for God just to put me in a season of "fun". I want to take my mind off of what I am going through right now. I want to be in a season of laughter and joy. And once I prayed it, I stopped and took a step back. How can I have a season of fun when my son is going through the darkest time in his life. Is that even fair for me to pray? It's like I need to be in anguish if he is. The saying is true...when our children hurt, we hurt and most of the time we hurt that much more. But I know truly releasing my son to God means trusting enough to go on and do the things He is calling me to do this season of my life. I am unsure of what that may be but I'm sure hoping that I laugh all the way through it.
Life isn't about the difficulties and pain, it's about the attitude in the midst of all of it. I know there will be troubles but I also know that I've been equipped for all of them. I just need to reach deep down and pull up the strength that I've built up all these years. Some days it's easier to find it than others and today I didn't do such a great job of even searching in the right places. But tomorrow is a new day! And it's a new day for my son as well. And I pray he chooses to find himself in a whole new way right along with me. That he finds his laughter once again. A laughter that is real and genuine.
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Soar - Not Sit
I've spent the last few days isolating from everyone. I first felt guilty about it but knew I needed the time to get my head put on straight. I read through an entire book yesterday just to try and stop the visions of my youngest son's anguish in my mind. I know without a doubt that he is in a place that he needs to be. But this is so hard! I think about some friends of ours. They lost their son a little over a year ago due to a car accident. I've watched their grief from a distance and had no idea what they were feeling. But I can say I'm feeling some of it right now. The big difference is that some day my son will return. I can't imagine never laying eyes on him ever again. So I will take what God is doing right now over that any day. God is saving my son's life. I think back to the past year and realized that I didn't enjoy my son in a way I should have. It always seemed as though he was going in a different direction and I stopped knowing how to talk to him. Would I really want that to continue? To wait for the day I get a phone call that he is either in jail or dead?
I know there is a reason we are all going through this. I told my husband this morning, not only does my son need to change but so don't we. My son's entire family needs to change right along with him. We cannot expect my son to come home after working on himself and all of us have stayed the same. Quite honestly I don't think his healing would truly last. It's like putting a recovering alcoholic in a bar and expecting everything to be alright. At first he would have enough strength but with the temptation and struggles right in front of his face, how long would it last?
God has been showing me the reasons and I have to say I am excited. I know my son will turn around and help other young men to get out of their own pain and misery. But I also know as a family and community, others will step in and help me with a program to help our youth in southwest Kansas.
As I stated before I've been reading a book series. It talks about a group of women that God put together in order to help each other heal as well as help out in their community. I know that God has placed people in my life for such a time as this. I can think about the friends in my life that have the same passion. It's not by coincidence I can assure you. Everything happens for a reason. And every close friend that we fully trust is in our lives for a reason. We just need to look at the big picture and see why. We sometimes look at the pain we are in and forget to look past it and see what comes following all of it. I cannot wait till this pain passes but I have chosen to see what God needs to do with me in the midst of all of it. Because I know there is a reason for it. And there is a reason for yours as well.
I heard on the radio this morning "God wants us to soar - not sit" and that's what I choose today. I will not wallow in my own pain. I have to stay strong for my son but more importantly for God.
"You need to know, friends, that thanking God over and over for you is not only a pleasure; it's a must. We have to do it. Your faith is growing phenomenally; your love for each other is developing wonderfully. Why, it's only right that we give thanks. We're so proud of you; you're so steady and determined in your faith despite all the hard times that have come down on you." 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4 (The Message)
I know there is a reason we are all going through this. I told my husband this morning, not only does my son need to change but so don't we. My son's entire family needs to change right along with him. We cannot expect my son to come home after working on himself and all of us have stayed the same. Quite honestly I don't think his healing would truly last. It's like putting a recovering alcoholic in a bar and expecting everything to be alright. At first he would have enough strength but with the temptation and struggles right in front of his face, how long would it last?
God has been showing me the reasons and I have to say I am excited. I know my son will turn around and help other young men to get out of their own pain and misery. But I also know as a family and community, others will step in and help me with a program to help our youth in southwest Kansas.
As I stated before I've been reading a book series. It talks about a group of women that God put together in order to help each other heal as well as help out in their community. I know that God has placed people in my life for such a time as this. I can think about the friends in my life that have the same passion. It's not by coincidence I can assure you. Everything happens for a reason. And every close friend that we fully trust is in our lives for a reason. We just need to look at the big picture and see why. We sometimes look at the pain we are in and forget to look past it and see what comes following all of it. I cannot wait till this pain passes but I have chosen to see what God needs to do with me in the midst of all of it. Because I know there is a reason for it. And there is a reason for yours as well.
I heard on the radio this morning "God wants us to soar - not sit" and that's what I choose today. I will not wallow in my own pain. I have to stay strong for my son but more importantly for God.
"You need to know, friends, that thanking God over and over for you is not only a pleasure; it's a must. We have to do it. Your faith is growing phenomenally; your love for each other is developing wonderfully. Why, it's only right that we give thanks. We're so proud of you; you're so steady and determined in your faith despite all the hard times that have come down on you." 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4 (The Message)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Behind Blue Eyes
"Go home and take care of yourself right now" she said. I don't even know where to start. I don't know what the balance is in all of that. What I would love to do is lay in bed with the covers pulled over my head and just be done with life for awhile. But I know that would be giving up. I would allow the enemy to win this battle and I refuse to do that. I've been through too much in my life to let this be the one thing that takes me out.
I look at my youngest son's picture on my fridge and it kills me. I look into those sad eyes. Who knows how long they have been sad and I didn't even realize it. After all he did learn from the master. But I've made excuses for his behavior and allowed it to happen. I did find my voice with him yesterday which took more strength than getting through any abuse I went through. I think I've lived for quite some time now in a mode of fighting for everyone else and making sure everyone else is fine and healing and I've lost sight of me. I always thought it was selfish if I needed to talk about me and my problems. In fact it makes me feel weak. And I never want to be seen as weak. I've fought too hard for too long.
But God showed me this morning that it takes more strength to reach out to others than to isolate and work through your problems yourself. It's more selfish to stop anyone else being able to help me. I know that from experience. I know when I talk to women about their problems it ends up helping me even more. And God told me as I'm writing this that I am keeping someone else from being healed by not reaching out. He has the plan. I know that when I post these blogs every day it speaks to someone. My pain is allowing someone else to look at their own life in a different way. And that's what I was praying for.
So once again I think back to the words "take care of yourself now Lori". And I'm asking God what that looks like. My first instinct is to shut down. I got a call from a friend this morning asking me about my weekend trip and I wanted to hang up on her. I didn't want to cry about it anymore. In fact I kept waking up in the middle of the night and would get instantly upset. I hate the feeling inside of my gut right now. I just want it to go away. And I know by experience the only way it is going to go away is if I release my son completely to God. I can't help my son from here. And honestly I couldn't help him if I was there or he was here. He needs help in a different way. I know that in my mind, but my heart is playing a tug of war with my mind. My mind has the facts but my heart sees the look on my son's face yesterday. And I'm working very hard just to get through this one day. So that's what I'm praying for.....the baby step of just making it to another day without giving in or giving up. Some days that's all we can do. I know God will love me even if I'm crawling through this next phase of my journey right now. My son is at Phase 2 in his program and I'm just beginning Phase 1 of mine. I sure hope he completes his first. Or it would be great if we completed it at the same time. He would come back as a new young man to a new stronger mom. How awesome would that be?
I heard this song this morning and it reminded me of my son. I think this is what he feels right now. Please pray for my blue-eyed son. Click
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that." Matthew 5:43-47 (The Message)
I look at my youngest son's picture on my fridge and it kills me. I look into those sad eyes. Who knows how long they have been sad and I didn't even realize it. After all he did learn from the master. But I've made excuses for his behavior and allowed it to happen. I did find my voice with him yesterday which took more strength than getting through any abuse I went through. I think I've lived for quite some time now in a mode of fighting for everyone else and making sure everyone else is fine and healing and I've lost sight of me. I always thought it was selfish if I needed to talk about me and my problems. In fact it makes me feel weak. And I never want to be seen as weak. I've fought too hard for too long.
But God showed me this morning that it takes more strength to reach out to others than to isolate and work through your problems yourself. It's more selfish to stop anyone else being able to help me. I know that from experience. I know when I talk to women about their problems it ends up helping me even more. And God told me as I'm writing this that I am keeping someone else from being healed by not reaching out. He has the plan. I know that when I post these blogs every day it speaks to someone. My pain is allowing someone else to look at their own life in a different way. And that's what I was praying for.
So once again I think back to the words "take care of yourself now Lori". And I'm asking God what that looks like. My first instinct is to shut down. I got a call from a friend this morning asking me about my weekend trip and I wanted to hang up on her. I didn't want to cry about it anymore. In fact I kept waking up in the middle of the night and would get instantly upset. I hate the feeling inside of my gut right now. I just want it to go away. And I know by experience the only way it is going to go away is if I release my son completely to God. I can't help my son from here. And honestly I couldn't help him if I was there or he was here. He needs help in a different way. I know that in my mind, but my heart is playing a tug of war with my mind. My mind has the facts but my heart sees the look on my son's face yesterday. And I'm working very hard just to get through this one day. So that's what I'm praying for.....the baby step of just making it to another day without giving in or giving up. Some days that's all we can do. I know God will love me even if I'm crawling through this next phase of my journey right now. My son is at Phase 2 in his program and I'm just beginning Phase 1 of mine. I sure hope he completes his first. Or it would be great if we completed it at the same time. He would come back as a new young man to a new stronger mom. How awesome would that be?
I heard this song this morning and it reminded me of my son. I think this is what he feels right now. Please pray for my blue-eyed son. Click
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that." Matthew 5:43-47 (The Message)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Day I Will Never Forget
I have to say this has been the most difficult and challenging day of my life! I feel like I've been ran over a truck. You know how we pray and pray for things to happen and then God answers our prayers but it isn't in a way we would have expected or really wanted. I have to remember that God's ways are far more insightful and lasting than my quick fix I would love to see right now.
I never realized how long I've lived my adulthood overprotecting my children. I love them so much and I've felt guilty for so long in what they had to go through due to my healing as they were growing up. I've allowed them to talk to me and act a certain way with me that is very disrespectful.
This weekend I had to face a huge fear of mine. I was asked to confront my youngest son in a way that made him look at everything he's been doing. And not only did I have to tell him how disappointed I was in him and his actions but then walk out the door as he was just looking at me crying. He looked so helpless and hopeless to say the least. It killed me. But I knew God was truly asking me to release him today and I needed to not let the past hold he had on me continue. I was willing to kill myself in order to save my child. But I wasn't saving him. I was making it worse. In a way I was covering for him. I sat in a room and watched his dad, brothers and counselor call him out on everything he had been doing. Just to see the look on his face killed me. I kept praying "God get me out of here. I can't watch anymore of this." I wanted to just run. But I hear God tell me to be honest with my son. To let him know how much he had hurt me and that I wasn't going to allow the lying to continue any longer.
He gave me a hug and said "Mom I will finish this program for you". So here I am at that place of an answered prayer. I have prayed for so long for my youngest son to be saved from himself and God is doing that but not in the way I wanted. I just wanted life to make a quick change. To not have to be away from him like I am right now. But I can also look back to my own journey of healing and know this is exactly what is called for at this moment in time. I have to trust God in a whole new way. My son's counselor hugged me and said "Now go home and take care of yourself." I am so drained that the only way that looks good is my bed. I would love to just lay in it for a week straight. I am missing my son on a whole new level. And I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face. But I know that he was able to release the lies and hopefully almost felt a relief in fessing up to the truth. I know this is just a small step in a long journey but I do trust God. Because I've been on my knees for far too long for all 3 of my sons to not believe that God wasn't there listening and He is making a lasting result. Not just one that lasts but an instant but a lifetime.
So after many tears and anguish, I start a new journey of changing the Mom I've seem myself to be. I need to be one of empowerment. I know just the Father that can help me with that. And for that I'm truly thankful.
"God loves all who hate evil, and those who love him he keeps safe, snatches them from the grip of the wicked." Psalm 97:10 (The Message)
I never realized how long I've lived my adulthood overprotecting my children. I love them so much and I've felt guilty for so long in what they had to go through due to my healing as they were growing up. I've allowed them to talk to me and act a certain way with me that is very disrespectful.
This weekend I had to face a huge fear of mine. I was asked to confront my youngest son in a way that made him look at everything he's been doing. And not only did I have to tell him how disappointed I was in him and his actions but then walk out the door as he was just looking at me crying. He looked so helpless and hopeless to say the least. It killed me. But I knew God was truly asking me to release him today and I needed to not let the past hold he had on me continue. I was willing to kill myself in order to save my child. But I wasn't saving him. I was making it worse. In a way I was covering for him. I sat in a room and watched his dad, brothers and counselor call him out on everything he had been doing. Just to see the look on his face killed me. I kept praying "God get me out of here. I can't watch anymore of this." I wanted to just run. But I hear God tell me to be honest with my son. To let him know how much he had hurt me and that I wasn't going to allow the lying to continue any longer.
He gave me a hug and said "Mom I will finish this program for you". So here I am at that place of an answered prayer. I have prayed for so long for my youngest son to be saved from himself and God is doing that but not in the way I wanted. I just wanted life to make a quick change. To not have to be away from him like I am right now. But I can also look back to my own journey of healing and know this is exactly what is called for at this moment in time. I have to trust God in a whole new way. My son's counselor hugged me and said "Now go home and take care of yourself." I am so drained that the only way that looks good is my bed. I would love to just lay in it for a week straight. I am missing my son on a whole new level. And I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face. But I know that he was able to release the lies and hopefully almost felt a relief in fessing up to the truth. I know this is just a small step in a long journey but I do trust God. Because I've been on my knees for far too long for all 3 of my sons to not believe that God wasn't there listening and He is making a lasting result. Not just one that lasts but an instant but a lifetime.
So after many tears and anguish, I start a new journey of changing the Mom I've seem myself to be. I need to be one of empowerment. I know just the Father that can help me with that. And for that I'm truly thankful.
"God loves all who hate evil, and those who love him he keeps safe, snatches them from the grip of the wicked." Psalm 97:10 (The Message)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Let your Child Have a Deep Cleaning
I'm writing this blog with some excitement and apprehension. As I've told you some time ago, my youngest son is at a private school. I have only talked to him 3 times since December 10th. That is all we have been allowed due to him making the changes he needs to make. It has been very difficult. I feel like I've lost my son. Each time I talk to him on the phone it seems to make it that much worse. I miss him even more.
I look back to when he was a toddler. He has always been so full of energy, laughter and willpower. He has a heart that is full of compassion. He has shown that to so many people. But he lost it. He lost sight of the young man that he was created to be. God showed me this morning back when my son broke his leg twice. When he was around 2, he tumbled down the stairs at his grandparents house. He was so busy running around pushing a little grocery cart that he must have forgot the stairs were close by. His grandparents brought him home not thinking anything major was wrong. My son continued to cry and I decided he needed to be checked out by a doctor. He had an x-ray and he had broke his bone in his lower leg. So they put a bright blue cast on his leg just below the knee.
That didn't keep him down. He still ran all over the place. He just adjusted to the heaviness on his other leg. I got a phone call from my babysitter at work and she said my son had fallen again and wasn't sure if he was alright. He was crying uncontrollably. So I took him back to the doctor and they x-rayed the part of his leg that had already been broken. They said it was fine. So I took him home.
It didn't take long to realize it was far from fine. He would just sit on the floor and cry and his legs were having tremors. So I decided to take him to another doctor. He did an x-ray of the whole leg and found that my son had snapped his femur bone above the knee. Since his leg couldn't give when he fell due to the cast already there, it just broke instantly.
The next cast that had to be put on was a body cast. They took him to surgery right away and he woke up with this heavy thing covering most of his little body. We took him home and I remember how difficult it was for him to have to lay around. That's all he was able to do. When he would go in the vehicle with us, we would have to lie him down in the back of a suburban with the seats out. I finally figured out a way to put a bean bag in the front seat of his dad's pickup so he could ride around the farm and be able to see all around him.
But I have to tell you it didn't take long for him to pull himself up to a coffee table even with a body cast on. He would pivot around everything smiling from ear to ear. He was determined to not stay down for long.
Looking back to the determination in this little boy of 2 reminds me that God put that in him for such a time as this. I was on my knees crying to the Lord this morning about this weekend and when the song came on with lyrics "It's going to be worth it", I realized God has it all under control. He has my son in His hands and guiding the newness and changes that need to happen. My son not only belongs to me but he belonged to God first. God knows my son's heart and he knows how to reach him in a way that I could only dream of.
So if any of you are facing your own issues with your children, know that God is there and waiting for you to release them to Him. Once we try to protect our children in our way, we stand in the way of what could save their lives entirely. Our protection and wanting them to not hurt or suffer is only prolonging that pain. We are not allowing the Lord to love on them in a way that will not be a bandaid fix but a deep cleaning that scars over to be healed completely! I'm ready for that. Are you?
"I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout." Psalm 18:1-2 (The Message)
I look back to when he was a toddler. He has always been so full of energy, laughter and willpower. He has a heart that is full of compassion. He has shown that to so many people. But he lost it. He lost sight of the young man that he was created to be. God showed me this morning back when my son broke his leg twice. When he was around 2, he tumbled down the stairs at his grandparents house. He was so busy running around pushing a little grocery cart that he must have forgot the stairs were close by. His grandparents brought him home not thinking anything major was wrong. My son continued to cry and I decided he needed to be checked out by a doctor. He had an x-ray and he had broke his bone in his lower leg. So they put a bright blue cast on his leg just below the knee.
That didn't keep him down. He still ran all over the place. He just adjusted to the heaviness on his other leg. I got a phone call from my babysitter at work and she said my son had fallen again and wasn't sure if he was alright. He was crying uncontrollably. So I took him back to the doctor and they x-rayed the part of his leg that had already been broken. They said it was fine. So I took him home.
It didn't take long to realize it was far from fine. He would just sit on the floor and cry and his legs were having tremors. So I decided to take him to another doctor. He did an x-ray of the whole leg and found that my son had snapped his femur bone above the knee. Since his leg couldn't give when he fell due to the cast already there, it just broke instantly.
The next cast that had to be put on was a body cast. They took him to surgery right away and he woke up with this heavy thing covering most of his little body. We took him home and I remember how difficult it was for him to have to lay around. That's all he was able to do. When he would go in the vehicle with us, we would have to lie him down in the back of a suburban with the seats out. I finally figured out a way to put a bean bag in the front seat of his dad's pickup so he could ride around the farm and be able to see all around him.
But I have to tell you it didn't take long for him to pull himself up to a coffee table even with a body cast on. He would pivot around everything smiling from ear to ear. He was determined to not stay down for long.
Looking back to the determination in this little boy of 2 reminds me that God put that in him for such a time as this. I was on my knees crying to the Lord this morning about this weekend and when the song came on with lyrics "It's going to be worth it", I realized God has it all under control. He has my son in His hands and guiding the newness and changes that need to happen. My son not only belongs to me but he belonged to God first. God knows my son's heart and he knows how to reach him in a way that I could only dream of.
So if any of you are facing your own issues with your children, know that God is there and waiting for you to release them to Him. Once we try to protect our children in our way, we stand in the way of what could save their lives entirely. Our protection and wanting them to not hurt or suffer is only prolonging that pain. We are not allowing the Lord to love on them in a way that will not be a bandaid fix but a deep cleaning that scars over to be healed completely! I'm ready for that. Are you?
"I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout." Psalm 18:1-2 (The Message)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Learning To Love
I realized this morning that I have a lot to learn! I feel like I have been on top of the world since my massage last week. It has been awesome. But this morning God talked to me about the next trek of my journey. Now that I've emptied out the abuse and the bad things in my past, it's time to fill myself back up. Remember when I said God said that I needed to allow people to love me as well as give Him that little girl? Well the part of choosing to release that abused little girl was easy. Now it's time to allow others to love on me.
Isn't this what I've been waiting my entire life for? When I would repeat the words over and over about wanting somebody to love me. Here is the opportunity right in front of my face and I'm scared to death. And I don't know about you but when I get scared, anger has a tendency to come out right along with it. I have a great husband that is trying to show me affection and I can't wrap my brain around it. I know to some of you this sounds foreign but when love was twisted in your thought processes at any time in your life, it messes with you.
I want so much to love my husband the way God is asking me to. I also want to allow him to love me the way he wants to. But when he starts getting into my heart, I push away. So this morning I had to pray, pray hard to be able to allow him in. At first I wanted to run, but once I allowed closeness it was great. Awkward but great. So here I am. Looking to fill my heart to the top with the right kind of love. Not the twisted, sick kind I've known for so long.
I'm sure I've had plenty of people in my past that have tried to love me and I've pushed them away. This time I am standing firm. I am not going anywhere. I refuse to give up! I will allow my husband, children, family and friends into my heart. I'm a new little girl walking alongside my Heavenly Father letting Him teach me how to trust and be open to the people He sends into my life.
I have received several messages from people reading my blog and I appreciate all of your kind words. I know that I have not walked this journey just for me. I want my triumphs to speak volumes to you. I want you to know that you can do this! Whatever fear or pain you may be struggling with today, you can push through it. The hurting only lasts a short time and when you look down the road at the rest of your life of happiness, it is but a small breath in a large room of fresh air!
"For you've been a safe place for me, a good place to hide. Strong God, I'm watching you do it, I can always count on you—God, my dependable love." Psalm 59:17 (The Message)
Isn't this what I've been waiting my entire life for? When I would repeat the words over and over about wanting somebody to love me. Here is the opportunity right in front of my face and I'm scared to death. And I don't know about you but when I get scared, anger has a tendency to come out right along with it. I have a great husband that is trying to show me affection and I can't wrap my brain around it. I know to some of you this sounds foreign but when love was twisted in your thought processes at any time in your life, it messes with you.
I want so much to love my husband the way God is asking me to. I also want to allow him to love me the way he wants to. But when he starts getting into my heart, I push away. So this morning I had to pray, pray hard to be able to allow him in. At first I wanted to run, but once I allowed closeness it was great. Awkward but great. So here I am. Looking to fill my heart to the top with the right kind of love. Not the twisted, sick kind I've known for so long.
I'm sure I've had plenty of people in my past that have tried to love me and I've pushed them away. This time I am standing firm. I am not going anywhere. I refuse to give up! I will allow my husband, children, family and friends into my heart. I'm a new little girl walking alongside my Heavenly Father letting Him teach me how to trust and be open to the people He sends into my life.
I have received several messages from people reading my blog and I appreciate all of your kind words. I know that I have not walked this journey just for me. I want my triumphs to speak volumes to you. I want you to know that you can do this! Whatever fear or pain you may be struggling with today, you can push through it. The hurting only lasts a short time and when you look down the road at the rest of your life of happiness, it is but a small breath in a large room of fresh air!
"For you've been a safe place for me, a good place to hide. Strong God, I'm watching you do it, I can always count on you—God, my dependable love." Psalm 59:17 (The Message)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Take Possession of Your Land
I went to a Beth Moore bible study this morning. I just love listening to her. She has a way of making you think. But she also can make you laugh while doing it. She talked about taking possession of your land. It's kind of funny because some of the things she talked about today was what I discussed with my lifegroup last night. Last night I asked the women in my group what they felt like their ministry was. We are called to a ministry. That doesn't mean that everyone is called to be a pastor or to speak in front of millions of people. It just means that you are called to guide and help people in your everyday life. Sometimes people hear that they are supposed to reach large groups of people. So they look for the lime light and how to get in front of that large group. Maybe God is just saying they will speak to large groups of people one at a time. I do know that He will not overwhelm us. He will only give us what He knows we can handle. I watch people that are so busy looking for the "Big" thing that they miss out on the little ones God has put right in front of them. I've watched hurting people reach out to only be ignored because maybe they weren't important enough. Or maybe someone looked to them to be "too difficult" or "too gone to help".
Back to my lifegroup last night. I asked a particular woman what her ministry was and she said she didn't know. I told her I knew what it was. It was to help youth. I asked her if she would be willing to give her testimony last night. I knew it would be very difficult but she did it anyways. I was so proud of her. Her testimony includes a son that committed suicide. She didn't think that she was close to being healed enough to be used by God to help others. It broke my heart! Why do we think we need to be perfect to be called? I know from experience that God has healed me the most when I was ministering to other people. It's humbling and as words come out of my mouth, I hear them and know God is not only speaking through me but TO me as well. God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. We just need to be obedient.
So I'm asking you. What is YOUR ministry? If you are not sure, then think back to what your passion is. What excites you or what puts you to tears the most? Also what is your testimony? What have you went through and walked out of? God can use all of it! He created you to be destined to something. It's not just existing in life. It's not just walking through the motions of everyday life. It's making a difference. And YES - YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! All you need to do is take a step of faith and see what God can do. So I dare you - take possession of your land! The land of hurting people that need someone to love on them. They need someone to walk them through their "valley of death" and help bring them out. And that someone may very well be YOU. Don't be too busy or looking for that next big thing to notice. It takes being obedient in the little things to be able to move on to the bigger ones.
"We, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene." 1 Corinthians 2:6-7 (The Message)
Back to my lifegroup last night. I asked a particular woman what her ministry was and she said she didn't know. I told her I knew what it was. It was to help youth. I asked her if she would be willing to give her testimony last night. I knew it would be very difficult but she did it anyways. I was so proud of her. Her testimony includes a son that committed suicide. She didn't think that she was close to being healed enough to be used by God to help others. It broke my heart! Why do we think we need to be perfect to be called? I know from experience that God has healed me the most when I was ministering to other people. It's humbling and as words come out of my mouth, I hear them and know God is not only speaking through me but TO me as well. God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. We just need to be obedient.
So I'm asking you. What is YOUR ministry? If you are not sure, then think back to what your passion is. What excites you or what puts you to tears the most? Also what is your testimony? What have you went through and walked out of? God can use all of it! He created you to be destined to something. It's not just existing in life. It's not just walking through the motions of everyday life. It's making a difference. And YES - YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! All you need to do is take a step of faith and see what God can do. So I dare you - take possession of your land! The land of hurting people that need someone to love on them. They need someone to walk them through their "valley of death" and help bring them out. And that someone may very well be YOU. Don't be too busy or looking for that next big thing to notice. It takes being obedient in the little things to be able to move on to the bigger ones.
"We, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene." 1 Corinthians 2:6-7 (The Message)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Stop Looking In the Rear View Mirror
I had a great weekend. After my breakthrough last week I was wondering what I would be blogging next. Because I don't want to go back to the past any longer. I've defeated that battle. I'm moving past it and forward. No more looking in the rear view mirror for me. I am looking straight ahead to what God has in store. No veering off to the left or right. I want a solid path to the exciting things I've waited my entire life for.
Here's the thing. I know I will have a few road blocks here and there but I also know they can be very temporary. They are not places I want to camp out at for very long. Because let's face it. Satan would love for us to camp out each and every day at a place that distracts us from what we are called to do. He'll send us into a tailspin so that we camp out at shame, guilt and anger to just to mention a few. I need to stay focused on God. If I do that it doesn't matter what is thrown my way, I can continue onward and not make any pit(y) stops.
I was reading in my bible this morning and God took me to Exodus 14:14. It says "The Lord himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense." I am going to stand on that this week. We may not be chased by an Army like Moses and the slaves of Egypt were in this scripture but we may feel trapped sometimes. Instead of giving in to any despair I will choose to stand where I am and watch the Lord rescue me whenever I need it. I will not try to do any of it on my own. Why would I want to when I have a Heavenly Father that has my back. I have the biggest and best bodyguard a woman could ask for and so do you.
Do not live your life in fear. Allow yourself to take steps forward. Please do not look in your rear view mirror today. It only causes regrets, and stops you from living in the present. And the present that you live today will have effects on the future to come. So don't you want to move on? Move towards fullness of life? And if you do have to make any pit stops along the way, make sure they are in the right places. Ones that will help with your healing, not ones that will destroy it. Have a blessed day! I know I will. Not because I'm perfect, but because I choose it!
"Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got!" Deuteronomy 6:5 (The Message)
Here's the thing. I know I will have a few road blocks here and there but I also know they can be very temporary. They are not places I want to camp out at for very long. Because let's face it. Satan would love for us to camp out each and every day at a place that distracts us from what we are called to do. He'll send us into a tailspin so that we camp out at shame, guilt and anger to just to mention a few. I need to stay focused on God. If I do that it doesn't matter what is thrown my way, I can continue onward and not make any pit(y) stops.
I was reading in my bible this morning and God took me to Exodus 14:14. It says "The Lord himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense." I am going to stand on that this week. We may not be chased by an Army like Moses and the slaves of Egypt were in this scripture but we may feel trapped sometimes. Instead of giving in to any despair I will choose to stand where I am and watch the Lord rescue me whenever I need it. I will not try to do any of it on my own. Why would I want to when I have a Heavenly Father that has my back. I have the biggest and best bodyguard a woman could ask for and so do you.
Do not live your life in fear. Allow yourself to take steps forward. Please do not look in your rear view mirror today. It only causes regrets, and stops you from living in the present. And the present that you live today will have effects on the future to come. So don't you want to move on? Move towards fullness of life? And if you do have to make any pit stops along the way, make sure they are in the right places. Ones that will help with your healing, not ones that will destroy it. Have a blessed day! I know I will. Not because I'm perfect, but because I choose it!
"Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that's in you, love him with all you've got!" Deuteronomy 6:5 (The Message)
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