I helped with our Food Outreach this morning. I always enjoy that every Saturday morning. I was asked to pray with a gentleman that was in need of healing. As we were praying I could hear that it was fear that was causing his illness. I prayed that he would be able to release that fear of failure. I kept hearing "tell him Lori that he is not his circumstances. That I am bigger than that and I am with him." When we were done praying I told him that God loved him so much and asked if he felt it while we were praying and he said "yes". And I repeated the message that he was not his circumstances and tears started forming in his eyes.
Thank God that I am not my circumstances. I can tell you that I don't remember much about my childhood. I can remember a few fun incidents especially with a couple of close female cousins but beyond that it is a black whole. My first vivid memories are of 6th grade. That's why I said earlier that I look into my eyes in baby pictures and when I was very little and ask that little girl to speak to me. I want to know what she was thinking in the midst of what was going on. My mom was a very gentle woman. She would always smile and yet you knew that she was hiding behind something. I knew she loved me a lot but never really gave hugs and kisses. And there was a sadness that loomed. But she could always show "the face". I was never really close to my dad. There were situations with him that caused me to mistrust him at a deep level. In fact there were many men in my life that caused me to distrust male figures completely. They seemed to only look at me as a body and what they could do with it. I don't know if anyone ever really saw "me". So if I were my circumstances even as a young girl, I would have been trash, used and abused. But the flip side is that I didn't have a relationship with Christ. I didn't know at the time it wasn't true. That's how I perceived myself. I lived with shame all through childhood. I would never make eye contact with people. I would look down as I walked. I was a worthless ragmuffin.
As I'm typing those words "worthless", I ask myself if that is still how I see myself. And if I have to be honest I say "yes". I know that Christ died on the cross for me and my sins. I know through him I am worthy even when I do rotten things. But the image of myself from a little girl is still with me. I look in people's eyes when they talk to me to see if they really look at me. Do they see me for more than "a body" or a waste of time. And I can honestly say that God has put some genuine people around me that I truly believe really want to know me and don't care about the ugliness that once surrounded me. I have been praying for God to put those people in my life and remove the ones that continue to tear me down. I don't have time for that. I've wasted too many years running from God and seeking my own way. So I can look into the eyes in the pictures and see a little girl trying to make it with a smile and laughter but seeing sadness and hopelessness behind all of it. And if I look at pictures taken recently I probably can see the same thing. Yes I've come a long way but the overwhelming sadness looms deep down. That little girl needs to heal so I can.
"O Master, these are the conditions in which people live,
and yes, in these very conditions my spirit is still alive—
fully recovered with a fresh infusion of life!
It seems it was good for me
to go through all those troubles.
Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline.
You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing."
Isaiah 38:16 (The Message)
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