Yesterday I got my hair cut. I have to say getting any drastic changes done to my hair is difficult for me. And making it very short freaks me out even more. It reminds of when I was younger and I had long beautiful hair. I cannot tell you when my Mom changed her attitude about the length of my hair but I went from having long hair to my mom wanting me to have hair so short that I could not do anything with it all. It would just stick to the side of my head. I couldn't put a curling iron in it whatsoever. In fact I looked like a boy.
And as I'm typing this I remember it being around 7th grade. It was shortly after the time the boy that started stalking me was around. I think it was my mom's way of protecting me from him and other boys and men's advances. I think in her mind she thought if I didn't draw attention to myself that I would be safe. But to me it felt like I was more exposed. People could see more of my face. I couldn't hide behind the hair any longer. In fact with the very short haircut, it just made more attention being drawn to me because kids were wondering why I went from having beautiful hair to hardly none at all. And it wasn't attractive on me at all.
I had a friend a week ago ask me why I hid behind my hair. She told me that I needed to show my face more. You know the smile that we usually give when we just look at someone when they are talking and we say "sure" but thinking "whatever". That was me. But I trusted this friend of mine because she knew my story. She knew so much about me and I told her to cut it so that it would look good. So I sat in the chair and saw my hair that I had grown out for so long fall to the floor. I tried to act like it was okay and even joked about it but inside I was screaming. I've talked about living my life differently but I have to say God is humbling me about beauty. Because beauty is what I lived for. Not that I did a great job of it but trying to look "perfect" was what I strived for. And now I am at a place that I use my hair as a mask and I wear the baggiest clothes I can find. Because if my body cannot be perfect than I do not want anything to do with clothes that show it. So I say "I will go clothes shopping when I lose weight and I can fit into them right". Yeah God doesn't need to take my beauty away from me at all! I don't mean literally but in a way that I will be happy regardless of how I look. Our bodies are a temple and we are to take care of them but not fret about it day in and day out.
In fact I was getting ready for church this morning and was running late. I ended up nicking the end of my nose and I couldn't stop it from bleeding. So I'm standing in front of the mirror with toilet paper stuck to my nose, trying to do something with my new hair and a huge wet spot on my jeans. Very attractive! And I looked at my husband and said well maybe the bloody nose will take the attention off of my hair and jeans. He laughed and said "It's awful to be human huh?" That is something I have to remember each day. I don't have to look a certain way and my hair will grow back. But I have to tell you - it's shorter but I love the freedom that I have. It feels lighter on my head. I have very thick hair so after she was done layering and thinning it out, I felt like I had nothing on my head. And that includes the heaviness and layers of a past life. A life of hiding. Next God will need to work on me being okay with my body. I don't know how that looks right now but I'm ready. We are called to be totally free.
Do you have any bondage that keeps you back from living a life you were intended? This is a test to use when thinking about bondage. Is there any thought that takes up a lot of your time each day? Do you worry about anything in particular every day? If you do, it's time to take a look at it and work through it. How you work through it is up to God. He is the only one that knows what you need to heal. Because one person's journey is going to be different than your own. He may use someone else to help but, allow Him to put those people in your life. We have a tendency to choose people we know will agree with our old lives and how we live them. Let's face it, change is difficult. But you can do it! I am a living example of that!
"Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing." Philippians 2:14-16 (The Message)
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