Will Somebody Please Love Me

Have you ever felt alone? Really alone? I bet we all have at some time in our lives. It's crazy that I can feel alone and yet have so many people in my life that love me. I thought I was past this part in my life. The other day I was sitting on the couch journaling and the thought popped into my head "Will somebody please love me". I hadn't said that for some time. I used to say it daily. Not really knowing why. It was just a constant thought in my head. Why couldn't I feel love? I knew God loved me but I couldn't understand how he could love a mess like me. No one else seemed to. But now I look back and realize that probably those people loved me the way they knew how. Nobody loves with abuse unless there is abuse in their past. I just don't think someone wakes up one day and says "I think I'll rape a child today".
I look at them with sadness instead of anger. In fact God has put a compassion in me for people that molest children. I watch them on television when they are in court and look into their eyes. I see the sadness that is deep inside. I bet they were thinking the same thing "Will somebody please love me".
So now I need to learn to accept love. I know God has strategically placed caring people in my life for that specific purpose. They are people that are able to love me in a way that I need. That will stand by me. I have to say...me typing this right now brings tears to my eyes. I didn't realize just how special these people are until this moment. I hope I've never taken them for granted in a way they felt that way. I know I'm a difficult person to love but they do anyways. Including my husband. I've had a hysterectomy but don't think for one moment he doesn't have to deal with my PMS. Because my moods can change like the weather on certain days.
I can remember when I was climbing a rock wall in Arizona. I had a group of people standing below encouraging me. It was the tallest rock wall I had ever seen. I started up. I need to tell you this rock wall was designed so that a person would need to ask for help in order to get to the top. I climbed that wall for a good half hour. When there was a place that was difficult to get to the next step I would just look and figure out how to do it. My legs were shaking uncontrollably to say the least. I made it to the top and only lacked one more step to ring the bell. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to it. Someone yelled from below "You know you can ask for help". At first I thought no way, I can do this. And then I finally gave in and they helped lift the rope so I could reach.
For me it was a great accomplishment. How crazy to not want help. And it didn't even dawn on me that help would be needed in the first place. I think back to the amazing women watching me below and it must have been hard for them to watch me for so long struggling and just waiting for me to ask for help.
I wonder if people around me think the same thing today. That they reach out to me to help and I just say I'm okay so that I won't bother them or I won't accept their kindness. I just pray that any of you reading this that struggle with the same thing will look around closely. Look at the people that God has placed in your life in a new way. They will love on you. They know you are worthy of being loved on. They see you as beautiful because they see you through God's eyes. Please don't hide anymore. Let others love you. I will start this day letting love approach me without running, won't you?

"Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out." Ephesians 6:13-18 (The Message)