Today is a New Day!

Today is a new day. That is what I keep telling myself. You know how you've been so used to putting on the "face and smile" for so long it just becomes a normal part of your routine first thing in the morning? That's been my life for far too many years. Someone told me the other day that people don't really know me. I can understand that. Because I really don't know me either. When you've lived your life trying to just be okay, it messes with you. So here I am. God has brought me to a place that I cannot fake it anymore. I used to say "Fake it till you make it". You can see how well that has worked for me. I am at a point that I really have to look at what's left to heal or I won't survive. The past couple of days I have walked around feeling like I am grieving. I either cry at a drop of a hat or I am in a state of nervousness or just plain out of it. I sit and just stare. I know that I am grieving the fact of not being able to see my youngest son but I am also grieving the person I've known and lived with for so long. God is ready to strip me of that facade once and for all.

So let's start with Georgie Ann. I look into her eyes in baby pictures and wonder what she could tell me. What were you thinking? Georgie Ann was the name given to me at birth and I had that name till about six months old. I was put up for adoption at birth and waited that long before I found a place to call home. I cannot say for a fact that at such a young age you can actually feel rejection but I can say it was the beginning to a life of not feeling safe and more rejection to follow.
I was adopted into a home and suddenly had an older sister, which was also adopted. We were quite the family. My dad had dark hair, my mom had red hair, my sister had blond hair and I had black hair that stuck straight up. I was a little Indian girl.

I'm typing this and it is making me very nervous and uptight. I know that I need to get everything out but it's easier to tell people your story that you are closest to or a group of people at church, but strangers means I am putting my life out there to be judged or misread. And I don't ever want to hurt anyone in the process. So that is why throughout this blog I will not use names or specific people. I don't feel like a person needs to remember everything in their past. I don't think I need to relive the specific details to heal. But I do need to look at what God puts in front of me. Not only do we stuff events, but we stuff the emotions that are attached to them. The only way to feel safe is to take care of all of it. So it all gets pushed down and pushed down till you get to a place that if you stuff one more thing, you will explode!

As I'm praying for God to reveal to me what it is exactly He needs to do in me today, I challenge you to do the same thing. I will tell you that I have been here before in my journey, only a different place...a different season. We are like an onion and God needs to work on each layer and continue to unravel us till we get to the core. But I can also tell you that I tried to heal without God and it was a waste of my time. You can do nothing without God. He is your creator. Why would you want anyone else beside you helping you to be the person He created you to be? He knows everything about you. If you do not know God or have a relationship with Him, that is your first step. In fact as you read this, I imagine you feel a stirring inside. We were not meant to be alone! If you have not accepted Christ into your heart you may read this prayer out loud.
“Jesus, I need you. I repent for the life I’ve lived apart from you. Thank you for dying on the cross to take the penalty for my sins. I believe you are God’s Son and I now receive you as my Savior and Lord. I commit my life to follow you. Amen.”

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Please take this journey with me in a new way - as a new creation.