I am struggling a little bit today. I sent a couple of letters to some people I felt I had to apologize to for different reasons. I received a letter back from one and I didn't realize just how much I had hurt them. I knew I had hurt this person but didn't know to the extent that was expressed. It made me very upset. I started crying. We go through life living it selfishly and just bulldoze over people in the process. Even though I'm a different person today, there is a small group of people that I left hurting in my past. So I feel like God is showing this to me right now so that I make sure and not just talk about my behaviors being changed but that I actually walk it out. I do not want to treat someone badly today to know that they will be hurt for an extended amount of time down the road due to my actions.
I think about my sons and what they had to endure. I'm not saying I was the worst mom but I didn't love them the way they needed. I know I have to forgive myself and I'm in the process of doing that but we never know how we can influence others by our actions till it may be too late.
So I want my influence each day to be good. To draw people to a Heavenly Father that I've found along the way. Not just a Father that is kinda there but is absolutely there in a way that I feel safe and can trust. That will protect me from harm. I want to influence people to heal and look for the best life they can have. I want to be a positive role model instead of a negative one. I just have to give the people from my past to God and let Him heal the areas that I've caused pain. I cannot keep punishing myself because that will cause a distraction in my own life and it is too burdensome to live in my past. I have come too far to keep looking in the rearview mirror. To some that may seem selfish but we cannot live in regrets, shame and guilt. What good does that do? We can punish ourselves for the rest of our lives and then on our dying day think "I just wish I would have lived life. Really lived life instead of suffering all these years". We only have one life. And God has forgiven us. Even if the people we've hurt never forgive us, that's alright. As long as we move forward ourselves and change our behaviors and habits that's all that is asked of us. We heal what's inside of us that causes destructive behavior. The only way we fail is if we continue our cycle of destruction. Sometimes it takes awhile to realize what those bad cycles are, but once you turn your life around to do good, it won't take long to realize them.
I pray that anyone reading this will take a look at their daily lives. I pray that you will not have to go as many years as I did before realizing my road of selfishness and damaging loved ones along the way. Today is the day to take a different road. The high road which leads to a Father that loves you and sets you apart from anyone else. You will then realize what was intended for your life. Not anyone else's but yours only. We were all created differently for this time of life. Don't you think it's time to find out what that is for you?
IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!!
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"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4 (The Message)
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