This Is Your Moment!

I woke up this morning with a rock in my stomach. Isn't it funny how some days we can be on top of the world and the next, feeling like that world is on top of us? I am missing my youngest son so much. I was able to talk to him Monday night and I try to stay positive and strong for him. But when he breaks down and cries and says he wants to come home, it breaks my heart. I ask God how He thinks I am strong enough to handle this. It's tearing my heart apart! But I hung in there and God spoke to me through a representative at the school and through Beau's own mouth. God reminded me why he was there. As I'm writing this I realize the feeling that I turned my back on my son. And I never wanted to do that. But I did do that and I need to let God heal any damage because of that and other situations in his life.
I remember back to a time when I was in high school. I got married very young. I can say I just wanted out of the house. In fact I was married my senior year in high school. It's the marriage I never talk about. It's a shame issue because I feel like I've jumped on the marriage bus way too many times. This guy asked my parents if he could marry me the summer before my senior year in high school. They agreed and I jumped on the chance to "be free". Little did I know that I would just move into a situation that was far from being free. This man was physically abusive. One night he strangled me to the point of passing out. I never told anyone. I kept thinking this was better than what I had. He had no guilt in what he was doing. In fact he blamed it on me. That I caused him to treat me that way. We were at my parents house talking and before I knew it he had thrown me to the floor. I started yelling and my parents came running. I thought "Thank goodness - they know and it will finally be over." My dad took this guy into the living room while my mom tried to calm me down. It got quiet and I heard my dad say "You know how women are". My heart sank. So I sucked it up and decided this was what I deserved and maybe it was all my fault.
Let me tell you what stuffing things down in this situation did for me. I got severely depressed. I couldn't find excitement in anything. So I turned to another man. Someone was paying attention to me and he seemed very nice and seemed to treat me better than anyone ever had. He was quiet and shy. How would he ever hurt me? So I turned to him for my needs. I decided to leave my husband and move out. I looked to my family for support but let's be honest. What I had done was awful! I had cheated on my husband, someone they had brought into the family. Yes they knew he was abusing me, but we were taught that we hide what needs to be hidden and we just act like everything is okay.
I went to our county fair with some friends. My family had basically disowned me. I spotted my family and guess who was with them? My soon to be ex-husband. They were laughing together and ignoring me. I don't blame my family in any way. I was running and they were trying to get me to face a situation and I refused. I had completely handled all of it in the wrong way! I committed adultery. I have since repented of everything I did to this guy. Yes he was abusing me but I handled it inappropriately. I hurt him. I had destroyed anything in him that maybe God wanted me to help heal. People do not lay a hand on other people unless there is something that is hurting inside. And not only did I do this to him, but other men down the road. I was selfish because I had looked for what I was missing in my life in all the wrong places and didn't realize the only one that could fill that void was God. I destroyed relationships trying to find the one person that was going to make me happy.
So this is why I want desperately for my son to know I'm there for him. But I can't save him. Only God can do that. No one could save me. Not any one of those men that I sought after. I am so thankful today that I am facing my insecurities with my Heavenly Father and the husband that he has placed me with.
I pray today that you will seek God to fill your void. You were never intended to fill it with other people or "stuff". And you will be miserable trying and will hurt others along the way. Please use my life as an example of how to turn your life around now. This is your moment! Take it...Take God and never let go!

"Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you." 2 Corinthians 5:16-20 (The Message)