Yesterday was such a freedom for me. I feel like years of fears, doubt and shame was suddenly taken from me. Once I chose to release that little girl to God, something changed in me. I can't even put it into words for you. I have waited a lifetime for this feeling. It's changed my view of my husband. I don't fear him breaking my heart. In fact I want to be close to him every time he is anywhere around. Some of you don't know me very well, but just trust me when I say that is a miracle. We have had our battles, but who hasn't? I could say that our problems are due to him and the things he did before and right after we were married, but that would be a lie. Yes he did some things to break my trust, but I am responsible for my reactions to that. There's a point when you need to forgive but more importantly get to a place that you completely forget. And I think I did that yesterday. I said that I have been waiting for us to have our honeymoon. I just knew we would do it different than some couples. I told my husband that we would do it backwards....the fighting in the beginning and then the rest of the years will be our honeymoon. And I believe our honeymoon started last night.
Yes I had a breakthrough yesterday. I found the core that I've been praying and searching for. It took a lot of tears, hard work and faith. It's been years since I first started my healing process once I chose to give my life to Christ and move ahead in my life with God. But I've unraveled that onion layer by layer and here I am. Wouldn't it be nice if it was the end to the story and I knew I would live "happily ever after". But it's just the beginning of a new chapter.
Now I have to learn how to live with peace in my life. To know how to handle this feelings of joy and happiness. Because I feel like a little girl in a candy store right now. I've been dancing in the kitchen, laughing, singing and just allowing myself the freedom of happiness. I think my husband watches me and thinks "What happened to my wife? I've never seen her like this." To be honest, I've never felt or seen myself this way either.
Once you have lived with a black cloud most of your life, once things are going good you just wait for the next bomb to hit. But I am standing in the promise that this can last and it will last! But I also have to realize how to continue my walk with God on a whole new level. One of not always on my knees begging for Him to take my world apart so I can be free, but being on my knees in victory. Not on my face crying, but on my face rejoicing. I heard Joyce Meyer speak the other morning and she said once you allow your old self to die there is peace. Because she said anytime someone dies, immediately after there is peace. And I can say today I am feeling that.
I know it's going to take years now to develop my new self and to learn what that looks like, but I'm so ready. It is now time for God to show me Lori Ann. Because I truly believe that Georgie Ann has went to Heaven and she is being loved on for all the years that were lost. But for me, they were not lost. If hadn't been for Georgie Ann and her struggles, I would not be the woman I am today. It has given me a strength, compassion and sincerity for women and their healing. And I know God will use it all to help others feel the same victory and freedom I now feel. My God is amazing!!! Allow yourself to entertain the thought of a close relationship with Him. I challenge you today to pray and ask Him to take your world apart to expose the new self in you. Yes it is sometimes hard, but the end result is so worth it! Trust me. I know!!!! I would not take back all those years for anything in this world. I appreciate joy. I appreciate peace within. I will never take any of it for granted. We always think of all the money and fame that sounds so good. But let me tell you, no amount of money could make me feel the way I feel today. Now not only can I help women in their suffering but show them the true victory in all of it. I have a new testimony! Praise God for my suffering!
"He sat down and summoned the Twelve. "So you want first place? Then take the last place. Be the servant of all." Mark 9:35 (The Message)
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