That's Close Enough

I'm writing this morning with a sad and fearful heart. I know what I am going to say sounds strange to most of you but just follow me. I have been once again overtaken with my emotions and the feeling of failure as a mom. I think I've lived through the shame and I've asked my children for forgiveness for not being the mom I think they deserved. But here I am still feeling like I should have done more. They were little. They didn't deserve what happened to them just like I didn't when I was little.
I distance myself from children. I enjoy being around them but only short periods of time. You know it's like when you pat them on the head and say hi and then think "Okay that's close enough. Don't try to get into my head or heart." I felt like I was supposed to help with Awanas this year and it has been great. I didn't think I could do much damage a few hours one day a week. Yeah there was the one very embarrassing moment but it was something minor I could laugh off. I absolutely love those children and we get together and worship and pray. More than anything I want them to gain an intimate relationship with God at a very young age. I've asked them to pray over one another and just to see the excitement about talking to God and realizing if they are having problems reading God can help them is priceless. I know my life would have been different if I would have known how to call out to God when I was a very little girl.
I have 3 sons that I absolutely love. But I didn't really know how to be a mom. In fact to be honest it stressed me out. Their dad is a farmer and was busy as farmers are so the boys and I would do quite a bit by ourselves. But I didn't know how to respond to them when I was overwhelmed so I turned to what I know best...numbing out. When they were very little I chose an eating disorder. I basically stopped eating knowing it was the only thing I could control in my life at this point. Everything else seemed to be chaos. My boys were just boys. Energy, fighting and did I mention ENERGY????? And since I wasn't putting the proper nutrition in my body I definitely couldn't function properly. I came close to dying when the boys were little. I had a doctor tell me if I hadn't gotten help I would have died within a week. Did that scare me???? No. I thought the boys and their dad would be better off without me. I was a mess and was far from the wife and mother they deserved.
That was the thought that stayed with me - that I carried with me from childhood. I would rather be dead! What kind of a life was I living anyways and I just caused pain for anyone around me. So that brings me back to the not wanting anyone to get too close. If they REALLY knew me, would they like me? So I spent my entire life smiling behind a mask I thought everyone would surely like. I tried so hard to draw people's attention away from me. I wanted to hide and realize now the very things I was doing to try to hide just made people look at me even more. Because the things I was doing before I knew God were wrong. Yeah I still do plenty of wrong things and I still hate to draw attention to myself but I know now that I am forgiven. That some day I am going to see myself as a beautiful woman because I have to believe that God wouldn't create junk. I cannot wait till the day that happens. I lived a fair share of my life thinking I was just an example of "what not to do". See that girl over there - do the exact opposite and you will be fine! But I realize that I endured as much as I did so that I have a testimony to help others. I have been there. I don't have to read the book. It was my life.
And as I'm writing this....I hear God saying "See My Child, you are a new creation and are forgiven. Your sons may have struggled because of your actions, but I will take that and use it for good. You are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what you had and your boys will be just fine." Thank you God!!!!!

"God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. Salvation's available for everyone! We're being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. This new life is starting right now, and is whetting our appetites for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness." Titus 2:11-14 (The Message)