Have Mercy on That Little Girl

I had my first night of Lifegroup last night. We watched a DVD of "Captivating". Women discuss their childhoods and how those childhood memories and events affected the way they love and allow themselves to be loved. I watched it again today. In fact this is about the 4th time I've watched it and I didn't hear the specific words I heard this last time. Stasi Eldredge said "Have mercy on that little girl" talking about herself as a child. I never thought about it that way before. Who am I kidding - I never thought about it all. "Have mercy." And it hit me. I have been totally disgusted with who I am since I was very small. Because there had to be something very wrong with me. Why would men and boys want to do those horrible things to me? From what I could tell, other girls weren't experiencing similar things. Of course I never really asked but I just assumed my friends were "normal". But I look back and there may have been more friends living the same challenges. It's all about familiar spirits. And we tend to be more comfortable around people that have a tendency with the same life experiences. One of my friend's brothers took me down in their basement and tried to rape me. Why would I not think he wasn't doing that to anyone else?
So back to my childhood. I picture that little girl and I am so angry with her! Why didn't she scream? Why didn't she tell someone? Why didn't she do something to change it? I must have blamed her for my misery all of these years. I despised her for allowing such things to happen. So I look back to a child and think of her in third person form. I can't intertwine her with me. Because if we are the same person, then I despise myself as well. Can you believe the heavy duty mask I've worn all these years just to be somewhat okay with myself?
I had someone ask me the other day why I don't attend more social functions. I've thought about it and I can honestly say that when I am in a group of people I don't know very well, I start to literally shake. That's why my husband and I don't go to movies or concerts. I know it saddens my husband because he enjoys both of those things. In my past I could handle being around people more if I had a little to drink. Of course the larger the crowd, the bigger the drink. It made me calm down. Since I've stepped away from drinking, I just isolate or stay home.
So now God is taking me to a place that I can be okay with me. Have mercy on that little girl and be able to love her in a way that she feels comforted. Because I know when she feels that, so will I. I need to have compassion and love on her so that she knows she is okay. That she didn't cause people to reject her even at birth. I look back and wonder what was wrong with me even at day 1.
I feel like I've walked through quite a bit in this journey of my blog but I now realize I've just begun. I pray that God shows me my true identity. That He shows me what brings joy, peace and happiness. But even with all my prayers, I know it's just going to take stepping out, trusting Him and doing the things I've pushed away from. To learn how to have fun even in the largest crowd. Hmmmm....I wonder what my first test will be? I'm almost afraid to ask, but I know that God will be beside me the entire time. He would not take me this far to leave me to do this part of healing by myself. I will trust, I will trust, I will trust. Even when I second guess myself, I will trust. I have to keep telling myself that. Because I know the little girl inside is cheering me on and so is God!

"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back?"
Luke 6:31 (The Message)