I am totally exhausted today. I usually have a hard time sleeping and last night was no exception. In fact I was awake most of the night. I had a feeling going on inside of me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was praying against anything that may be keeping me awake but to no avail. I woke up this morning and went to a Beth Moore Bible Study and started feeling the same way. It was taking over everything inside of me. Lately I have been very excited about a certain dream that I have. I've been on my knees praying for it and God has been showing me glimpses of what His answered prayers will look like. And suddenly it came to me. I knew what the feeling going on inside of me was....it was pure excitement! To most of you this might sound so simple and actually a little stupid. How can someone not know what true excitement is?
It is from being a person that has numbed most of her life. Just like I've said before in this blog, I wouldn't allow myself to live life without looking over my shoulder. Even when I sit with friends at a table for lunch, I need to sit where I can see people walking into the restaurant because I don't want anyone walking up to me without knowing it. I'm not really great with surprises. In fact I'm not really great with people loving on me or giving me gifts.
My "Love Language" is gifts. And yet I love giving them to people but it's so hard for me to receive. I wonder what it will look like when I actually figure out what unconditional love is all about. I pray daily to give it but the receiving end seems a little foggy. "Unconditional" What exactly does that mean? The dictionary says "to love someone regardless of their beliefs or actions". It is an awesome feeling to know that God loves me that way. He doesn't care what I've done in the past or what I will do in the future. Yes - He will discipline me once in awhile. He knows what is best for me and what will make me the happiest. And the small spurts of happiness I've allowed in every now and again won't come close to what He has in store for me.
As for now I am going to concentrate on allowing God to show me how to love and accept unconditionally through Him and then I plan on finding out what all this true excitement and joy is all about. Because I know one day God is going to give me my dream and answer my prayers. Otherwise this wouldn't be building up inside of me. More than anything the joy that I've discovered is loving on people and being there for them. I just need to allow them to reciprocate. Why is that so hard???? I plan to find out.
"He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
he does not shy away from the sword.
The quiver rattles against his side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.
In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground;
he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds."
Job 39:20-24
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