I woke up very early this morning feeling very anxious. I couldn't figure out exactly why. But I thought about coming home from visiting my sisters and the anxiousness got worse. It's not because I have anything bad to come home to. In fact it is the exact opposite. But why was I feeling this way? I was asking God why. And I was remembering all the laughter I had visiting family. How I didn't have a care in the world while there. I could just sit back and relax, cut loose and enjoy myself. Didn't I have the same thing at home? But I realized that I didn't. Not because of anyone else, but because of me.
I looked forward to my week ahead. And it is going to be the same as any other week. Lifegroup 1 night a week, mentoring a few days a week, bible study 1 morning a week, helping children at Awana's 1 night a week, and reading and studying in between. So???? And then God showed me that I didn't take time out for fun. That I spend my days thinking of what I need to do in order to be in the "Will of God". I am so consumed by it that I've let it control my life. I have become so focused on making sure I never go back to the way I used to be that I feel like I have to be "Super Christian Woman". How ridiculous! God doesn't ask us to be perfect, but I live by performance. I want to be perfect or at least look perfect. How unrealistic is that?
So what does fun look like? I guess that is the question of the day for me. Crazy huh? How can a woman in her early forties not know how to cut loose and have fun? I did it with my sisters around but that was a part of my past. How do the two worlds collide? I cried on the way home today because it seemed so ridiculous that I didn't know how to relax at home in my own community. And yet I could do it somewhere else. Maybe because people in my past don't care what I've done. Let's face it from when I lived there, I could smile and talk to people and that would be a step up from what I used to do. Not many expectations there. So why do I think there are so many here? Why do I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders?
I help on a prophetic team at church sometimes. I've had an elder ask me why it doesn't just wipe me out and I say because God just uses me. I don't stress about it. If he wants to use me so be it, if not then He will give the words to someone else. I just know God will show up! I know He loves the people so much and wants to speak to them.
Hmmm...why do I not think the same way every day? Why do I not think that I can be "not perfect" and He will still love me? So this is the next leg of my journey. Learning how to have fun and trying to live each day not focused on performance. I don't know what to tell you will transpire, but I am ready. And I just have to say I hope that God shows me how to have fun in a way that I can't stop laughing for days. My little sister and I used to be able to look at each other when we were little and just start laughing to the point of tears rolling down our faces. My dad would look at my mom and tell her to shut us up. And if I cried it was "shut up" as well. I would be called a cry baby. So I just learned laughter and tears were annoying to people so I just tried to stifle it. But now is the time to let loose. To let the good emotions take over and not try to hold back any longer. So when you enter a restaurant, I might just be the woman in the corner laughing uncontrollably. What an awesome day that will be!!!!
"Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6
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