Never Take Joy For Granted

Yesterday was such a freedom for me. I feel like years of fears, doubt and shame was suddenly taken from me. Once I chose to release that little girl to God, something changed in me. I can't even put it into words for you. I have waited a lifetime for this feeling. It's changed my view of my husband. I don't fear him breaking my heart. In fact I want to be close to him every time he is anywhere around. Some of you don't know me very well, but just trust me when I say that is a miracle. We have had our battles, but who hasn't? I could say that our problems are due to him and the things he did before and right after we were married, but that would be a lie. Yes he did some things to break my trust, but I am responsible for my reactions to that. There's a point when you need to forgive but more importantly get to a place that you completely forget. And I think I did that yesterday. I said that I have been waiting for us to have our honeymoon. I just knew we would do it different than some couples. I told my husband that we would do it backwards....the fighting in the beginning and then the rest of the years will be our honeymoon. And I believe our honeymoon started last night.
Yes I had a breakthrough yesterday. I found the core that I've been praying and searching for. It took a lot of tears, hard work and faith. It's been years since I first started my healing process once I chose to give my life to Christ and move ahead in my life with God. But I've unraveled that onion layer by layer and here I am. Wouldn't it be nice if it was the end to the story and I knew I would live "happily ever after". But it's just the beginning of a new chapter.
Now I have to learn how to live with peace in my life. To know how to handle this feelings of joy and happiness. Because I feel like a little girl in a candy store right now. I've been dancing in the kitchen, laughing, singing and just allowing myself the freedom of happiness. I think my husband watches me and thinks "What happened to my wife? I've never seen her like this." To be honest, I've never felt or seen myself this way either.
Once you have lived with a black cloud most of your life, once things are going good you just wait for the next bomb to hit. But I am standing in the promise that this can last and it will last! But I also have to realize how to continue my walk with God on a whole new level. One of not always on my knees begging for Him to take my world apart so I can be free, but being on my knees in victory. Not on my face crying, but on my face rejoicing. I heard Joyce Meyer speak the other morning and she said once you allow your old self to die there is peace. Because she said anytime someone dies, immediately after there is peace. And I can say today I am feeling that.
I know it's going to take years now to develop my new self and to learn what that looks like, but I'm so ready. It is now time for God to show me Lori Ann. Because I truly believe that Georgie Ann has went to Heaven and she is being loved on for all the years that were lost. But for me, they were not lost. If hadn't been for Georgie Ann and her struggles, I would not be the woman I am today. It has given me a strength, compassion and sincerity for women and their healing. And I know God will use it all to help others feel the same victory and freedom I now feel. My God is amazing!!! Allow yourself to entertain the thought of a close relationship with Him. I challenge you today to pray and ask Him to take your world apart to expose the new self in you. Yes it is sometimes hard, but the end result is so worth it! Trust me. I know!!!! I would not take back all those years for anything in this world. I appreciate joy. I appreciate peace within. I will never take any of it for granted. We always think of all the money and fame that sounds so good. But let me tell you, no amount of money could make me feel the way I feel today. Now not only can I help women in their suffering but show them the true victory in all of it. I have a new testimony! Praise God for my suffering!

"He sat down and summoned the Twelve. "So you want first place? Then take the last place. Be the servant of all." Mark 9:35 (The Message)

Letting Go

After blogging yesterday I went and had a massage from an awesome friend of mine. She does wonders with her hands, but the best part is she lets God use her in a way that touches more than my tight muscles but right to my heart. Yesterday was no different.
We were discussing my neck and shoulders and why they were so sore. At one point she pressed on my shoulder and said "This here is not of Jesus, what's going on?"
I love this friend of mine! Tell it like it is girl! I can say that today but yesterday was a little different. It brought up so much in me. In fact when I blogged yesterday about that little girl that just wanted "Somebody to love her", God revealed more to that one short sentence.
I discovered that I have decided that I need to carry the heaviness of my past hurts in my neck and shoulders because I don't ever want to forget it. I always wanted to be reminded of where I’ve been so that I could walk with women through their hurts and suffering. I feel like I need to really be able to feel it so I won't forget what God did for me as well. And I heard God say "You are trying to carry the pain that my son was meant to bear for you and others. You are putting yourself on the cross for these women. You can help these women without carrying your painful past."
The other thing that was brought out yesterday was a "key". My friend said that I had a key to my lack of sleep and happiness and I knew what it was. What? If I had a key and knew what it was, wouldn't I be using it??
Which brings me to sleep. I know I blame my lack of sleep on my husband's snoring but reality is that I haven't slept well since I was a little girl. I could never fall into a deep sleep because I had to be aware of my surroundings. I never knew who was going to come in my bedroom and what they were going to do. So I've had years and years of little or no sleep. You know I've had God with me the entire time just to stay focused in daily life.
Back to the key....my friend was done with my massage and she said take my time getting up. So I laid there on my stomach trying to figure out what the key was. And I heard God say 2 things. "Let people love you and give me that little girl". I immediately started sobbing. I told Him that I couldn't let Him have her because He would hurt her. And if I let other people in my life, they will hurt her too. I need to protect her from anymore pain. After all hadn't she been through enough?
And God is reminding me I cannot be completely free from my past until I release that hurt, abused little girl to Him. She needs to go to Heaven to live with Him and live in innocence and forget the scars and pain from a distant past. And then I can have that same feeling in my heart as well. I will be able to do what my friend told me yesterday - Be refreshed and feel like I've been given back all the years of lost sleep and I will have a renewal in my body and mind.
So I choose to do that today. I may have to continually remind myself every day of that choice. I do want that happiness and joy that God is promising me. I went in for a massage yesterday and left with a key to the unlocking of my core. The core I've been waiting years to reach. And here it is. Thank you my dear friend and thank you God!!!!

Side Note - I've been hearing this song for awhile now and knew God was trying to tell me something but I was confused. I didn't have a daughter die. Why did it pertain to me? And now I know. So I'm sharing it with you today. I do have a little girl that has gone to Heaven. Hallelujah!!! (Please click here)

Will Somebody Please Love Me

Have you ever felt alone? Really alone? I bet we all have at some time in our lives. It's crazy that I can feel alone and yet have so many people in my life that love me. I thought I was past this part in my life. The other day I was sitting on the couch journaling and the thought popped into my head "Will somebody please love me". I hadn't said that for some time. I used to say it daily. Not really knowing why. It was just a constant thought in my head. Why couldn't I feel love? I knew God loved me but I couldn't understand how he could love a mess like me. No one else seemed to. But now I look back and realize that probably those people loved me the way they knew how. Nobody loves with abuse unless there is abuse in their past. I just don't think someone wakes up one day and says "I think I'll rape a child today".
I look at them with sadness instead of anger. In fact God has put a compassion in me for people that molest children. I watch them on television when they are in court and look into their eyes. I see the sadness that is deep inside. I bet they were thinking the same thing "Will somebody please love me".
So now I need to learn to accept love. I know God has strategically placed caring people in my life for that specific purpose. They are people that are able to love me in a way that I need. That will stand by me. I have to say...me typing this right now brings tears to my eyes. I didn't realize just how special these people are until this moment. I hope I've never taken them for granted in a way they felt that way. I know I'm a difficult person to love but they do anyways. Including my husband. I've had a hysterectomy but don't think for one moment he doesn't have to deal with my PMS. Because my moods can change like the weather on certain days.
I can remember when I was climbing a rock wall in Arizona. I had a group of people standing below encouraging me. It was the tallest rock wall I had ever seen. I started up. I need to tell you this rock wall was designed so that a person would need to ask for help in order to get to the top. I climbed that wall for a good half hour. When there was a place that was difficult to get to the next step I would just look and figure out how to do it. My legs were shaking uncontrollably to say the least. I made it to the top and only lacked one more step to ring the bell. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to it. Someone yelled from below "You know you can ask for help". At first I thought no way, I can do this. And then I finally gave in and they helped lift the rope so I could reach.
For me it was a great accomplishment. How crazy to not want help. And it didn't even dawn on me that help would be needed in the first place. I think back to the amazing women watching me below and it must have been hard for them to watch me for so long struggling and just waiting for me to ask for help.
I wonder if people around me think the same thing today. That they reach out to me to help and I just say I'm okay so that I won't bother them or I won't accept their kindness. I just pray that any of you reading this that struggle with the same thing will look around closely. Look at the people that God has placed in your life in a new way. They will love on you. They know you are worthy of being loved on. They see you as beautiful because they see you through God's eyes. Please don't hide anymore. Let others love you. I will start this day letting love approach me without running, won't you?

"Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out." Ephesians 6:13-18 (The Message)

Step Across The Line

I did not sleep at all last night. I kept thinking about different things that God seems to be putting in my path. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared. It feels like I've been in this place before. I explained to you about my hope and dreams for "Hummingbird Haven". But I've also wrestled with the idea of having a store. My husband has room next to his car dealership but it just hasn't seem like the right place. I have an amazing friend that is designing dresses for me. She is creating dresses using God's design for women. I bet you are wondering what that means but I will explain more at a later date. She also has some unique ideas that could have only come from God. I want to have all of it in a store for women. A store that can be a place of peace and refreshing. It seems as though a door is opening up with that exact vision in mind. I've heard God tell me this store would be about healing the inside out. Which would be clothes and the outer appearance, but a place women can come in for prayer and just relax and read or talk. Could this possibly be actually happening? Could something good actually happen to me? I've waited for this for so long. I hadn't realize it but I do need it.
I am ready for something exciting and fun to happen. I am ready to enjoy life. My husband and I were praying this morning and he was praying specific words over me and I just started crying. I couldn't stop till after I was getting in the shower. I asked God what was up. And he said you are at the grieving stage of your life. It's time to grieve the things you endured and the things you missed out on. And it felt good. I felt lighter. There is a time to grieve but then we need to move on. If we stay in the grieving season for too long it causes depression and our emotions to be where they shouldn't be.
So I've grieved and now I'm ready to take that turn to the newness of happiness and life. Could it possibly be that easy? I'm praying it is. I am going to start speaking life over this newest venture that is in front of me. I'm going to speak life over our family. I'm just going to speak life in general. It would be real easy for me right now to say "Nothing ever works out for me. It does for everyone else but I was just meant to have little." I've thought that. I'm happy for everyone around me but a little part of me wishes I could be doing those things. I never realized that I actually can do them. I just need to step out and stop watching on the sidelines. I need to stop moping and actually get in the game.
I pray that if you feel like you cannot achieve your dreams, you will take a step across the line in the sand you drew a long time ago. You were never meant to sit back and watch, you were meant to participate and accomplish BIG things. Who drew the line in the sand? Was it you or someone speaking failure over you. We have word curses spoken over us as children and adults. You can break any of them by saying a quick prayer to God.
"Father I break any word curses spoken over me. I am not those words. I am a child of yours and you call me to be a beautiful person with aspiring dreams and aspirations. Release any of these word curses spoken over me in the name of Jesus, Amen."
I pray you have a blessed day full of life and hope with no boundaries stopping you from the good things God calls you to.

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)

Bring On The Laughter God

I woke up very early this morning feeling very anxious. I couldn't figure out exactly why. But I thought about coming home from visiting my sisters and the anxiousness got worse. It's not because I have anything bad to come home to. In fact it is the exact opposite. But why was I feeling this way? I was asking God why. And I was remembering all the laughter I had visiting family. How I didn't have a care in the world while there. I could just sit back and relax, cut loose and enjoy myself. Didn't I have the same thing at home? But I realized that I didn't. Not because of anyone else, but because of me.
I looked forward to my week ahead. And it is going to be the same as any other week. Lifegroup 1 night a week, mentoring a few days a week, bible study 1 morning a week, helping children at Awana's 1 night a week, and reading and studying in between. So???? And then God showed me that I didn't take time out for fun. That I spend my days thinking of what I need to do in order to be in the "Will of God". I am so consumed by it that I've let it control my life. I have become so focused on making sure I never go back to the way I used to be that I feel like I have to be "Super Christian Woman". How ridiculous! God doesn't ask us to be perfect, but I live by performance. I want to be perfect or at least look perfect. How unrealistic is that?
So what does fun look like? I guess that is the question of the day for me. Crazy huh? How can a woman in her early forties not know how to cut loose and have fun? I did it with my sisters around but that was a part of my past. How do the two worlds collide? I cried on the way home today because it seemed so ridiculous that I didn't know how to relax at home in my own community. And yet I could do it somewhere else. Maybe because people in my past don't care what I've done. Let's face it from when I lived there, I could smile and talk to people and that would be a step up from what I used to do. Not many expectations there. So why do I think there are so many here? Why do I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders?
I help on a prophetic team at church sometimes. I've had an elder ask me why it doesn't just wipe me out and I say because God just uses me. I don't stress about it. If he wants to use me so be it, if not then He will give the words to someone else. I just know God will show up! I know He loves the people so much and wants to speak to them.
Hmmm...why do I not think the same way every day? Why do I not think that I can be "not perfect" and He will still love me? So this is the next leg of my journey. Learning how to have fun and trying to live each day not focused on performance. I don't know what to tell you will transpire, but I am ready. And I just have to say I hope that God shows me how to have fun in a way that I can't stop laughing for days. My little sister and I used to be able to look at each other when we were little and just start laughing to the point of tears rolling down our faces. My dad would look at my mom and tell her to shut us up. And if I cried it was "shut up" as well. I would be called a cry baby. So I just learned laughter and tears were annoying to people so I just tried to stifle it. But now is the time to let loose. To let the good emotions take over and not try to hold back any longer. So when you enter a restaurant, I might just be the woman in the corner laughing uncontrollably. What an awesome day that will be!!!!

"Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6

I Dare You!

I couldn't sleep very well last night. Before going to bed I was thinking about so much of what I want to do with my life. You would think at my age I would not be thinking about that. It's usually something you do when you are in high school, but somewhere along the way I didn't have any thoughts of what I wanted to do when I was older. I just wanted to survive and be happy. I had no idea what that entailed. If you would have asked me when I was in high school if I would be doing what God has called me to so far, I would have said you were nuts!!! I wouldn't have seen myself being over Women's Ministry. I definitely wouldn't have seen myself mentoring women. I was a messed up girl. I didn't have aspirations. I didn't have goals or dreams. But here I am. God took a mess like me and created something wonderful. I don't want to sound conceited but I have to give God the glory for everything I am today and I need to thank Him and acknowledge His presence in my life.
I have bigger dreams. I want to open a building called "Hummingbird Haven - A Place of Hope!" It will include meals for people at a cheap price so that people can make sure their families have a hot meal at least once or twice a week. I want to have addiction groups, healing groups, fitness groups and training women/girls how to cook, just to name a few. My mind goes to so many different directions. I get so excited! I've looked at the building I want to purchase. It used to be a bar and had a nickname which included the word "Sin". How awesome would it be to change a place that was used to destroy lives to a place that is used for healing and God's glory.
This all sounds good except for the fact we have no money to purchase it. I'm not saying this because I want a hand-out. I'm saying this because I know my Heavenly Father is going to come through in a big way for me. I know that He has the most riches available for His children and I just happen to be one of them. So some day, I know that I will see a big red bow on top of this building from my "Daddy" because He loves me that much.
I know some of you reading this are skeptical to say the least. When we toured the building a few weeks back, I could see so much potential. I was walking through excited! I explained to the realtor what I wanted to do and he just looked at me with almost pity. And my husband said "Yeah my wife has big dreams". I know that my husband supports my faith in God but at the same time is hoping that I won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen for me. But I am holding true to what I want. Because I have given up way too many times in my life when it seemed to difficult to achieve.
I mentioned before I played basketball in school. I didn't practice much at home. In fact I was not one of those girls that played years in grade school like most kids do now. But I excelled in basketball. I could play with 20 yr old men and run circles around them. My sister and brother-in-law would play every week for fun at our community gym. I would go and play with them and no one would want to guard me. They just let me go. And when I played for our school if we were behind in points I would hear parents behind us telling our coach to put me in. And I could get us caught up. When I was a freshman I was asked to play on varsity. It was a great achievement for me. But it started getting in the way of partying and my friends. So I quit. I could have played through high school and possibly gotten a scholarship but I didn't follow through.
I also took piano lessons for years. I would practice every day. But not in the way most would think. If I was upset about something, I would sit at the piano and play until I had stuffed it down and could get up and be okay. Some days I would sit there for hours. In fact one day I was taking a class from a pastor and he molested me. I ran home crying. I went right to the piano and played and played and played some more. Mom asked me what was wrong and I didn't say a word. My mom told me she could always tell when I was upset because she could find me at the piano. I haven't played a piano in years. I have one in our basement collecting dust. I want to start to play again but once I sit down on the bench it just reminds me of darker days. I used to play very well and maybe some day I will once again. But God will have to get me through it.
So here I am today. Believing in myself but mostly believing in my Heavenly Father. I am still working on the loving and believing in myself. But I also know that I've come a very long way and I'm not about to give up or turn back. My passion in my heart is to help people and I know that passion was given to me by God. We all have passions deep down. I challenge you to think about what that is for you. Dare to let God take that passion and allow it to sprout and grow. That's what true happiness is for you. We were all created differently so that we can change this world. What is your part in it? Even if you don't feel like God could possibly use you, take a step of faith and see what happens. I dare you!

"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open." James 1:5-8 (The Message)

I Want To Be Remembered For More!

I'm visiting my sisters for the weekend. Saturday would have been my Mom's birthday so we decided to make it a new tradition to get together every year on her birthday. I'm excited. My family kind of became distant once my Mom died. She seemed to be the glue that kept all of us together. When she passed away in 1999 it was hard on all of us. She died of pancreatic cancer. It was such a long journey for all of us. I would say that my Mom suffered the most, but looking back she was much stronger than any of us. She would never complain and stayed positive the entire time. They gave her 6 months once diagnosed and she lived a year. I cannot say it was a year of actual living. It was a rollercoaster ride for all of us but I know more so for Mom.
Her grandchildren were her life. There was so much to live for in her eyes. My youngest sister was pregnant with her first granddaughter. She promised my sister that she would be alive to see her. And also during that time my nephews were in separate accidents. My oldest nephew was kicked in the mouth by a cow and had to have his jaw wired shut and my youngest nephew was hit in the eye with a baseball and had to have surgery to fix bones shattered around his eye.
I can still remember the day I got the call from my oldest sister that said it was time. My Mom was bleeding internally and vomiting blood. I needed to get to Colorado as soon as possible. Even knowing it was the end my Mom stayed positive. She was laughing and smiling even when she looked and felt miserable. She wanted to die at home but we talked her into going to the hospital. We waited for the ambulance. And we all lined up to tell her goodbye. That was the hardest day of my life. Giving her a hug knowing it was the last time I could talk to her. I think back to how strong of a woman she had to be. When the ambulance showed up and they took her out on the gurney, she talked about how beautiful her yard was. I can't imagine leaving my house for the very last time and knowing I would never be back.
She laid in the hospital bed for several days. She was completely out of it. The only reason I think she stayed alive so long was because she still wanted to see her granddaughter. But I went into her room and whispered in her ear about my nephews and their recent checkups at the doctor's office. I explained that they were fine. And it wasn't long afterwards she finally let go. She fought a good battle for sure. I know God was trying to take her home several times because she would sit up in bed and have her arms stretched out like someone was there trying to grab a hold of her. Weeks before going to the hospital she kept asking if we heard the music. We couldn't hear anything but she would say "It's the most beautiful music I've ever heard." I would love to know what she heard and saw, but I know one day I will.
I just pray that I can live my life as strong as my own Mom did. She is an inspiration of how to remain strong, full of joy even in the darkest moments of your life. As we witness what Haiti is going through, we need to realize our own mortality. Heaven is real but so is Hell and we need to take a look at where we want to go when we pass on. I can't wait till the day I'm taken to my real home. Not that I want to leave this earth anytime soon but I know God has much more in store for me when I come face to face with Him in Heaven.
Just to let you know, my Mom passed away in August and my niece was born in October. Mom missed it by a couple of months. But when my sister was in the hospital after having her baby girl, she noticed a balloon hovering on the ceiling. It said "Beautiful Baby Girl" on it. She had no idea where it came from. She told a nurse that someone must have left the balloon there. And the nurse looked at her puzzled and said "We haven't had a girl born in this hospital for months." So my Mom found a way to tell my sister that she had seen her granddaughter after all. My sister still has the balloon to this very day.
I still miss my Mom and wished she was here to talk to. We would talk almost every day, but I know she is in a better place. No more suffering and she has a new body. She wanted to be cremated because she said she wanted the cancer burned out of her body. But it was just a body. Her character and what was on the inside was what mattered the most. Not the shell she was given to live in. What do you want to be remembered for? I know mine is not having the "perfect" body or face, but that I helped people and I made a difference. I want my character to shine bright!

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Galatians 6:7-8 (The Message)

Today Is The Day For A New Road

I am struggling a little bit today. I sent a couple of letters to some people I felt I had to apologize to for different reasons. I received a letter back from one and I didn't realize just how much I had hurt them. I knew I had hurt this person but didn't know to the extent that was expressed. It made me very upset. I started crying. We go through life living it selfishly and just bulldoze over people in the process. Even though I'm a different person today, there is a small group of people that I left hurting in my past. So I feel like God is showing this to me right now so that I make sure and not just talk about my behaviors being changed but that I actually walk it out. I do not want to treat someone badly today to know that they will be hurt for an extended amount of time down the road due to my actions.
I think about my sons and what they had to endure. I'm not saying I was the worst mom but I didn't love them the way they needed. I know I have to forgive myself and I'm in the process of doing that but we never know how we can influence others by our actions till it may be too late.
So I want my influence each day to be good. To draw people to a Heavenly Father that I've found along the way. Not just a Father that is kinda there but is absolutely there in a way that I feel safe and can trust. That will protect me from harm. I want to influence people to heal and look for the best life they can have. I want to be a positive role model instead of a negative one. I just have to give the people from my past to God and let Him heal the areas that I've caused pain. I cannot keep punishing myself because that will cause a distraction in my own life and it is too burdensome to live in my past. I have come too far to keep looking in the rearview mirror. To some that may seem selfish but we cannot live in regrets, shame and guilt. What good does that do? We can punish ourselves for the rest of our lives and then on our dying day think "I just wish I would have lived life. Really lived life instead of suffering all these years". We only have one life. And God has forgiven us. Even if the people we've hurt never forgive us, that's alright. As long as we move forward ourselves and change our behaviors and habits that's all that is asked of us. We heal what's inside of us that causes destructive behavior. The only way we fail is if we continue our cycle of destruction. Sometimes it takes awhile to realize what those bad cycles are, but once you turn your life around to do good, it won't take long to realize them.
I pray that anyone reading this will take a look at their daily lives. I pray that you will not have to go as many years as I did before realizing my road of selfishness and damaging loved ones along the way. Today is the day to take a different road. The high road which leads to a Father that loves you and sets you apart from anyone else. You will then realize what was intended for your life. Not anyone else's but yours only. We were all created differently for this time of life. Don't you think it's time to find out what that is for you?

IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!!
(please click)

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4 (The Message)

Have Mercy on That Little Girl

I had my first night of Lifegroup last night. We watched a DVD of "Captivating". Women discuss their childhoods and how those childhood memories and events affected the way they love and allow themselves to be loved. I watched it again today. In fact this is about the 4th time I've watched it and I didn't hear the specific words I heard this last time. Stasi Eldredge said "Have mercy on that little girl" talking about herself as a child. I never thought about it that way before. Who am I kidding - I never thought about it all. "Have mercy." And it hit me. I have been totally disgusted with who I am since I was very small. Because there had to be something very wrong with me. Why would men and boys want to do those horrible things to me? From what I could tell, other girls weren't experiencing similar things. Of course I never really asked but I just assumed my friends were "normal". But I look back and there may have been more friends living the same challenges. It's all about familiar spirits. And we tend to be more comfortable around people that have a tendency with the same life experiences. One of my friend's brothers took me down in their basement and tried to rape me. Why would I not think he wasn't doing that to anyone else?
So back to my childhood. I picture that little girl and I am so angry with her! Why didn't she scream? Why didn't she tell someone? Why didn't she do something to change it? I must have blamed her for my misery all of these years. I despised her for allowing such things to happen. So I look back to a child and think of her in third person form. I can't intertwine her with me. Because if we are the same person, then I despise myself as well. Can you believe the heavy duty mask I've worn all these years just to be somewhat okay with myself?
I had someone ask me the other day why I don't attend more social functions. I've thought about it and I can honestly say that when I am in a group of people I don't know very well, I start to literally shake. That's why my husband and I don't go to movies or concerts. I know it saddens my husband because he enjoys both of those things. In my past I could handle being around people more if I had a little to drink. Of course the larger the crowd, the bigger the drink. It made me calm down. Since I've stepped away from drinking, I just isolate or stay home.
So now God is taking me to a place that I can be okay with me. Have mercy on that little girl and be able to love her in a way that she feels comforted. Because I know when she feels that, so will I. I need to have compassion and love on her so that she knows she is okay. That she didn't cause people to reject her even at birth. I look back and wonder what was wrong with me even at day 1.
I feel like I've walked through quite a bit in this journey of my blog but I now realize I've just begun. I pray that God shows me my true identity. That He shows me what brings joy, peace and happiness. But even with all my prayers, I know it's just going to take stepping out, trusting Him and doing the things I've pushed away from. To learn how to have fun even in the largest crowd. Hmmmm....I wonder what my first test will be? I'm almost afraid to ask, but I know that God will be beside me the entire time. He would not take me this far to leave me to do this part of healing by myself. I will trust, I will trust, I will trust. Even when I second guess myself, I will trust. I have to keep telling myself that. Because I know the little girl inside is cheering me on and so is God!

"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back?"
Luke 6:31 (The Message)

Find A New Survival Kit

I was having my quiet time this morning and going through our journal given at church. I read in Genesis 37 about Joseph. After reading and pondering on it, I listened to Charles Stanley and he spoke about the exact same scripture. I first thought of my son. Joseph dealt with rejection from his brothers. He lived through some very dark moments in his life. His brothers sold him into slavery and then was thrown into jail for something he didn't do. But through it all he went above and beyond and succeeded in everything he attempted. He was a leader. He was born to be a leader.
I know that my son is going through a difficult time right now. He has been removed from everything he's known and is homesick to say the least. I know he's felt rejection. I also know he's been a slave to his thoughts and actions. He has been in bondage for some time without even knowing it. He just thought he was living life as he knew. But it was a life he had created for himself. I way of getting by and trying to survive. He once succeeded in sports and something happened and the coaches would not play him. There were personal issues with coaches but it also had to do with his attitude. So he gave up on sports altogether. Everything that he once enjoyed in his life was traded in for anger and rebellion.
But here he is...succeeding at a place that he dislikes. He is stepping up to be a leader there. In fact they tell us that they are asking him to help the other boys to be better leaders as well. He is to be a role model of change because he is submitting and doing everything that is asked of him. They want him to model what the other boys should be doing. He is succeeding at a quick rate of speed.
I have to say that speaks volumes to my heart. I know God is showing me more promises of the plan he has for my son, even in the midst of my missing him. On my darkest days without him right now in life, I have to hold on to what God is reassuring me of right now.
But as I'm listening to this message and looking to my son, God speaks to me. He asked if this reminded me of anyone else. And I thought about it for awhile and He said "It's you My Child. You lived through some very dark and difficult days but look at you now. I have called you to succeed and be a leader."
Whenever we think we cannot go through one more difficult time in our lives, we just need to remember those days will help us to gain more strength, endurance and mold our character to withstand anything thrown our way. I thank God for the difficult days that He helped me get through. I know without a doubt I would not be who I am today without pushing past all the darkness in my life. And the same is true for you. There may be days all you can do is crawl but DO NOT STOP! You have the strength even if you have to search deep down. God equips us with everything we need. We just need to find the proper tools. And sometimes that's getting rid of the old tools we once used to survive. Find your new survival kit within you and through God. I've said it before if I can do it, anyone can. Including you!

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

What Are You Hiding Behind?

Yesterday I got my hair cut. I have to say getting any drastic changes done to my hair is difficult for me. And making it very short freaks me out even more. It reminds of when I was younger and I had long beautiful hair. I cannot tell you when my Mom changed her attitude about the length of my hair but I went from having long hair to my mom wanting me to have hair so short that I could not do anything with it all. It would just stick to the side of my head. I couldn't put a curling iron in it whatsoever. In fact I looked like a boy.
And as I'm typing this I remember it being around 7th grade. It was shortly after the time the boy that started stalking me was around. I think it was my mom's way of protecting me from him and other boys and men's advances. I think in her mind she thought if I didn't draw attention to myself that I would be safe. But to me it felt like I was more exposed. People could see more of my face. I couldn't hide behind the hair any longer. In fact with the very short haircut, it just made more attention being drawn to me because kids were wondering why I went from having beautiful hair to hardly none at all. And it wasn't attractive on me at all.
I had a friend a week ago ask me why I hid behind my hair. She told me that I needed to show my face more. You know the smile that we usually give when we just look at someone when they are talking and we say "sure" but thinking "whatever". That was me. But I trusted this friend of mine because she knew my story. She knew so much about me and I told her to cut it so that it would look good. So I sat in the chair and saw my hair that I had grown out for so long fall to the floor. I tried to act like it was okay and even joked about it but inside I was screaming. I've talked about living my life differently but I have to say God is humbling me about beauty. Because beauty is what I lived for. Not that I did a great job of it but trying to look "perfect" was what I strived for. And now I am at a place that I use my hair as a mask and I wear the baggiest clothes I can find. Because if my body cannot be perfect than I do not want anything to do with clothes that show it. So I say "I will go clothes shopping when I lose weight and I can fit into them right". Yeah God doesn't need to take my beauty away from me at all! I don't mean literally but in a way that I will be happy regardless of how I look. Our bodies are a temple and we are to take care of them but not fret about it day in and day out.
In fact I was getting ready for church this morning and was running late. I ended up nicking the end of my nose and I couldn't stop it from bleeding. So I'm standing in front of the mirror with toilet paper stuck to my nose, trying to do something with my new hair and a huge wet spot on my jeans. Very attractive! And I looked at my husband and said well maybe the bloody nose will take the attention off of my hair and jeans. He laughed and said "It's awful to be human huh?" That is something I have to remember each day. I don't have to look a certain way and my hair will grow back. But I have to tell you - it's shorter but I love the freedom that I have. It feels lighter on my head. I have very thick hair so after she was done layering and thinning it out, I felt like I had nothing on my head. And that includes the heaviness and layers of a past life. A life of hiding. Next God will need to work on me being okay with my body. I don't know how that looks right now but I'm ready. We are called to be totally free.
Do you have any bondage that keeps you back from living a life you were intended? This is a test to use when thinking about bondage. Is there any thought that takes up a lot of your time each day? Do you worry about anything in particular every day? If you do, it's time to take a look at it and work through it. How you work through it is up to God. He is the only one that knows what you need to heal. Because one person's journey is going to be different than your own. He may use someone else to help but, allow Him to put those people in your life. We have a tendency to choose people we know will agree with our old lives and how we live them. Let's face it, change is difficult. But you can do it! I am a living example of that!

"Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing." Philippians 2:14-16 (The Message)

Never Too Busy

I have been watching what is going on in Haiti. My husband and I watched a special on television last night. I started weeping uncontrollable. When I saw the faces of the living and the dead, it broke my heart. But not in a way you would think. I thought about how I've seen that same look of hopelessness here where I live. They are in crisis mode in Haiti there's no doubt about it but we have situations going on right under our noses. We are a nation in crisis.
My heart was also breaking for my youngest son and a few other people that have been around me. I felt like I had failed all of these listed. My son got to a place that I couldn't reach out and do anything to help. And these few other people were going through situations similar to my childhood and I didn't reach out to them. And what makes me the maddest is that they were right in front of me. I would talk to them weekly...look into their eyes and they would ask when we could get together. And in my own busyness, I didn't recognize the hurting, the same hurting I went through as a child. I was so angry with myself. Have I gotten so busy that I don't have time for people that God puts in front of me to help? Am I so selfish that I can't look outside of my own little petty problems to seek someone else and help them? I talk daily about how I want to reach out to others and somehow I've failed a few that have been right in front of me all along.
I am not saying this as pity party for me or put guilt on anyone else. I'm saying this so that I remember to stop and take the time for anyone needing me and to not think I will always have the time because that just isn't true. Time is precious. I need to take advantage of each opportunity given to me. I pray that you will do the same. Who is in your backyard that can use a smile or uplifting word? We just never know how something very small can change someone's life!

"My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?" Galatians 5:16-18 (The Message)

I Am Not My Body

It is a great feeling to empty out my life and emotions in this blog. It is rather difficult as well. I realize that I've held in more shame than I thought I had. I know that once I gave my life to Christ that I was forgiven. I realize God had forgiven me but I hadn't really forgiven myself. I could forgive others way more than I could myself.
People that carry shame are easily spotted. I can say that because I was one of those people. I would walk with my head down, never making eye contact. What if someone could look in my eyes and see the disgusting things I had done? I really felt strongly in that area when I first started going to church. Here are all these people that live their lives for God. They had it all together. What would they think of someone like me? In fact I didn't even want a name tag because then I could no longer stay anonymous. If people would ask my name, I would look down or away and just give them my first name. Even once I started to build relationships, I would keep people at arm's distance because I was just sure once they found out my past, I would be shunned. I didn't deserve to be among the people that had it all together and surely they would judge me.
Now that I've been at the same church for quite some time, I realize that we are all a group of dysfunctional people. If someone walks around saying they have it all together, they are just hiding the truth. I don't care if you were raised in the "perfect" family - life happens. No one is perfect! Even if we would like to believe we need to be. I've always felt like I needed to be perfect in many ways but the most important being about my body. In order to achieve the best body possible, I would starve myself or exercise continually. I had associated who I was with how my body looked. It started from a young age. People wouldn't notice anything about my personality or what was on the inside but the outward appearance. It was either about my body or eyes. My dad's friends would come over and I would walk outside in my swimming suit to get in our pool and they would make crude comments about my body. So I associated attention with how I looked on the outside. Even when I worked in Denver several years back, the men in my office made my login name on the computer "legs". That's all they saw when they looked at me even when I was their office manager. So now I'm getting older and let's face it, your body droops more than it did when you were younger. And God is taking this maturing season in my life to show me how true beauty is what's on the inside. And when your body starts to fail you, it's a perfect learning opportunity. It's not like I have a choice unless I want plastic surgery. And I've spent way too much of my life numbing out and being fake that I don't want any part of it anymore which includes parts of my body.
So the shame needs to take a long vacation to never return. I realized this morning that I take very hot showers. In fact the water is almost scalding hot. I always thought it was because I was cold all the time. I've take these kinds of hot showers for as long as I can remember. And God showed me this morning that it has to do with the shame that I have held inside. It's almost like I need to purify my body. That maybe if I get the water hot enough, it will get rid of all the residue of my past life. The ugliness will be washed away.
Shame is defined as "a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt or shortcoming." And the definition of shortcoming is "an imperfection or lack that detracts from the whole". We feel like we need to be perfect or make ourselves whole so that God and other people will love us. But Jesus is the one that makes us whole. We can try to make our bodies, faces, minds and children perfect but we are of the flesh. We will mess up and I've done that my fair share but it's time to know that I am forgiven. I am a child of God and I am here to help others realize the same. We are a society of hurting people. I want to be able to look into their eyes and see the hurt and for them to know that I'm here. I will not judge them. I want to show them the same God that brought me to where I am today. I'm not anyone special or different, I've just walked the same long journey and I'm getting free! Thank you God!

"Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. "If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." John 8:31-32 (The Message)

On My Knees Again

It's been a repenting week here at our house. It's so funny how God uses this blog to totally rearrange my thinking. I've had thoughts about myself and those closest to me for so many years and I never realized how twisted my thinking was until now.
I was thinking back to my blog yesterday and God showed me someone in my life that I've been frustrated with. So frustrated that at times I am beside myself with anger. I would wonder why she can't just figure it out? Why does she drag others down with her? When is she going to grow up? And then God revealed how my life used to be. Am I so vain that I think God can change me and my heart but won't do it for this person? That I'm more important than she is. Talk about some serious pride!
It got me to thinking about how we judge others around us. And if we take a look at the people that frustrate us the most, it's probably because they are flashing something into our own mirror that we don't want to look at. It might remind us of our own ugliness past and/or present. How many times do we watch reality television shows that degrade other people and think that's okay. Or maybe we just watch because it takes our minds away from our own lives. I have to admit I've watched "The Real Housewives of Orange County" a few times. It was good to escape into a world of the rich and famous. But as you really look at these women that say they are happy because they have it all, you realize they don't have anything at all. Their focus is the money and fame. And the fear of losing the money which then leads to losing the fame is always at the back of their minds. How sad of a life is that? I want to know who I am even in the midst of having absolutely nothing. And if God has to take me there to find it, then so be it. I would rather be poor and happy with life.
I don't want my life to revolve about judgements of others. I want to focus on God and my family. If I'm focusing on the right people and things in my life, then the rest will not matter. Other people that have opinions are just distractions. It's easy for us to be distracted with other people, then we don't have to look at ourselves. Satan would love for me to be distracted. Then I would not serve God's will for my life. The end would be here and I would be looking back saying "if only". I don't ever want to look back with regrets.
I am so thankful that we have an incredible pastor at our church. I know that he allows God to use him. I can attest to that in the fact every Sunday I leave service knowing he was speaking directly to me. Only God can use someone's voice to speak to so many people and filter it so that they hear what they need to hear that moment in time. If I'm honest, I will say there are times I've felt like maybe things in our church could be a little different. But God has put the leaders there for a reason. And when we "mean mouth" people in authority it's speaking of our character. And it makes it worse when we speak the same offenses to our children so that they can take on the same beliefs. It's a double whammy. Who am I to say that because I have an opinion, the church staff should listen to it. They have hundreds of opinions. But the only one that matters is God's. So am I going to trust God or not?
I want to help people and in order to do that and have the platform to do it, I have to check my character and make sure that I am not making judgements against other people. I don't want to gossip because I don't want others to gossip about me. So like I stated before, my knees have been on the floor once again apologizing and repenting to God for being prideful in my relationship with Him, and thinking I wouldn't need to help someone that was at the same exact spot I once was. The best way to thank God for saving me is to take my testimony and reach out to others. I have walked it...it's time for me to take someone else's hand and lead them through it as well. Is there someone that is flashing images in your mirror today? I hope that you will reach out to them. And even if that seems too difficult, then pray for them. Once you start praying for someone that irritates you the most, God will change your heart and satan will no longer have a hold of that area in your life.

"If anyone boasts, "I love God," and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won't love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can't see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both." 1 John 4:20-21 (The Message)

This Is Your Moment!

I woke up this morning with a rock in my stomach. Isn't it funny how some days we can be on top of the world and the next, feeling like that world is on top of us? I am missing my youngest son so much. I was able to talk to him Monday night and I try to stay positive and strong for him. But when he breaks down and cries and says he wants to come home, it breaks my heart. I ask God how He thinks I am strong enough to handle this. It's tearing my heart apart! But I hung in there and God spoke to me through a representative at the school and through Beau's own mouth. God reminded me why he was there. As I'm writing this I realize the feeling that I turned my back on my son. And I never wanted to do that. But I did do that and I need to let God heal any damage because of that and other situations in his life.
I remember back to a time when I was in high school. I got married very young. I can say I just wanted out of the house. In fact I was married my senior year in high school. It's the marriage I never talk about. It's a shame issue because I feel like I've jumped on the marriage bus way too many times. This guy asked my parents if he could marry me the summer before my senior year in high school. They agreed and I jumped on the chance to "be free". Little did I know that I would just move into a situation that was far from being free. This man was physically abusive. One night he strangled me to the point of passing out. I never told anyone. I kept thinking this was better than what I had. He had no guilt in what he was doing. In fact he blamed it on me. That I caused him to treat me that way. We were at my parents house talking and before I knew it he had thrown me to the floor. I started yelling and my parents came running. I thought "Thank goodness - they know and it will finally be over." My dad took this guy into the living room while my mom tried to calm me down. It got quiet and I heard my dad say "You know how women are". My heart sank. So I sucked it up and decided this was what I deserved and maybe it was all my fault.
Let me tell you what stuffing things down in this situation did for me. I got severely depressed. I couldn't find excitement in anything. So I turned to another man. Someone was paying attention to me and he seemed very nice and seemed to treat me better than anyone ever had. He was quiet and shy. How would he ever hurt me? So I turned to him for my needs. I decided to leave my husband and move out. I looked to my family for support but let's be honest. What I had done was awful! I had cheated on my husband, someone they had brought into the family. Yes they knew he was abusing me, but we were taught that we hide what needs to be hidden and we just act like everything is okay.
I went to our county fair with some friends. My family had basically disowned me. I spotted my family and guess who was with them? My soon to be ex-husband. They were laughing together and ignoring me. I don't blame my family in any way. I was running and they were trying to get me to face a situation and I refused. I had completely handled all of it in the wrong way! I committed adultery. I have since repented of everything I did to this guy. Yes he was abusing me but I handled it inappropriately. I hurt him. I had destroyed anything in him that maybe God wanted me to help heal. People do not lay a hand on other people unless there is something that is hurting inside. And not only did I do this to him, but other men down the road. I was selfish because I had looked for what I was missing in my life in all the wrong places and didn't realize the only one that could fill that void was God. I destroyed relationships trying to find the one person that was going to make me happy.
So this is why I want desperately for my son to know I'm there for him. But I can't save him. Only God can do that. No one could save me. Not any one of those men that I sought after. I am so thankful today that I am facing my insecurities with my Heavenly Father and the husband that he has placed me with.
I pray today that you will seek God to fill your void. You were never intended to fill it with other people or "stuff". And you will be miserable trying and will hurt others along the way. Please use my life as an example of how to turn your life around now. This is your moment! Take it...Take God and never let go!

"Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you." 2 Corinthians 5:16-20 (The Message)

How Does Excitement Feel?

I am totally exhausted today. I usually have a hard time sleeping and last night was no exception. In fact I was awake most of the night. I had a feeling going on inside of me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was praying against anything that may be keeping me awake but to no avail. I woke up this morning and went to a Beth Moore Bible Study and started feeling the same way. It was taking over everything inside of me. Lately I have been very excited about a certain dream that I have. I've been on my knees praying for it and God has been showing me glimpses of what His answered prayers will look like. And suddenly it came to me. I knew what the feeling going on inside of me was....it was pure excitement! To most of you this might sound so simple and actually a little stupid. How can someone not know what true excitement is?
It is from being a person that has numbed most of her life. Just like I've said before in this blog, I wouldn't allow myself to live life without looking over my shoulder. Even when I sit with friends at a table for lunch, I need to sit where I can see people walking into the restaurant because I don't want anyone walking up to me without knowing it. I'm not really great with surprises. In fact I'm not really great with people loving on me or giving me gifts.
My "Love Language" is gifts. And yet I love giving them to people but it's so hard for me to receive. I wonder what it will look like when I actually figure out what unconditional love is all about. I pray daily to give it but the receiving end seems a little foggy. "Unconditional" What exactly does that mean? The dictionary says "to love someone regardless of their beliefs or actions". It is an awesome feeling to know that God loves me that way. He doesn't care what I've done in the past or what I will do in the future. Yes - He will discipline me once in awhile. He knows what is best for me and what will make me the happiest. And the small spurts of happiness I've allowed in every now and again won't come close to what He has in store for me.
As for now I am going to concentrate on allowing God to show me how to love and accept unconditionally through Him and then I plan on finding out what all this true excitement and joy is all about. Because I know one day God is going to give me my dream and answer my prayers. Otherwise this wouldn't be building up inside of me. More than anything the joy that I've discovered is loving on people and being there for them. I just need to allow them to reciprocate. Why is that so hard???? I plan to find out.

"He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
he does not shy away from the sword.

The quiver rattles against his side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.

In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground;
he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds."

Job 39:20-24

Back To The Basics

I have an unexplainable joy today that is an answered prayer. I have been praying for God to put a joy inside of me that will never leave. It's funny how once you get used to bad things happening, drama and trauma, you feel like that should be a part of your life all the time. It's almost like you see that as your identity and who you are. It was like I wanted to make myself a little sad so that when the next blow came I would already be at that place that it wouldn't be so devastating. I was sick of the roller coaster ride I had created for myself. God would show me happiness and I would be good for a couple of days, but then it was going against the grain that I had created so I would revert back to my old ways. It was uncomfortable for me. Isn't that sad? That what was comfort to me was illness and sadness.
I had such a breakthrough with my husband last week. I am so in love with him. I can't wait to see him when he comes home. This is new for me but it's an incredible feeling. And I know I couldn't do any of this...feel any of this without God. He does answer prayers. He answered mine in a big way!
He is now showing me a different kind of joy. I feel like He is asking us to sell everything and follow Him. The reason I know that it is God is because it is not freaking me out. I have a peace and feel almost relieved. We have been struggling with finances for some time. In fact the only way we have survived each month is by God's grace and mercy. We have not had any steady income coming in for quite awhile and yet we've been able to pay all of our bills each month. But we are at a place that is very bleak. The worst it's ever been and I'm excited! Because I know God has something wonderful just around the corner for us.
He showed me this morning the time when I first came to know Him...when I built my relationship with Him. Prior to going to church, I was living with a man. I started going to church and someone mentioned to me that it was a sin to live with someone. Those words did something inside of me. So much so that I decided to move out shortly after. I found the first place I could afford by myself. It was an apartment over a business. I can actually say it should have been condemned. It was awful. I moved there in October and stayed during the winter. The only heater was an old large overhead heater and needless to say it didn't heat much. The windows wouldn't close all the way so at night my son and I would have to push the bed right under the heater just to stay warm. I could say it was the lowest point in my life, but that's where I found God the most! Every night I would read my bible, devotion book and journal. That's where I fell in love with Him.
So here I am once again. Not in the exact same place but similar. I have hope because I know where my husband and I are today is exactly where we need to be and God has it completely under control. I realize once again I don't need "things" to make me happy. I just need my husband, family and friends. The rest is just fluff...a filler for God and who needs that. I have found true happiness today and that is being okay with myself and not worrying about where my next meal is coming from because I know that God has it under control. He will never leave me! It's time to get back to the basics with my Heavenly Father.

"In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:5-6

Life Could Have Been So Much Different

Yesterday was a busy day for me so I missed my blog but it was definitely not a day without God showing me more hope. As usual Saturday mornings are always an awesome day for me. It is our day for the Food Outreach. I enjoy this morning and look forward to it every week. There is so much God wants to do in this community and I can see signs of it each Saturday. We are a community of hurting people. I am so thankful that God took me in through our church and changed my life around or it could have turned out so differently.
I was talking to a couple friends yesterday and we were talking about hunting. I explained that I disliked guns, in fact I actually said the word hate. They asked me why and I had somewhat of a difficult time explaining that. When I was young, I had someone in my life point a gun to me and tell me they were going to kill me. It was a woman that hated me because her husband was molesting me and she blamed it on me. To this day even being close to a gun makes me cringe. I went on a trip to Denver with a friend a long time ago and she told me there was a pistol in the glove box if we need it for any reason. Just knowing it was that close to me made me literally start to shake. I've also had someone try to teach me how to shoot a gun but once they try to put the gun in my hand I lose it and have to be as far away from it as possible.
One of my friends yesterday said "I'm so proud of you for not turning to drugs with everything you went through". I then thought of how God had protected me from that. You see I would drink but never do any drugs. I can say I tried marijuana and absolutely hated it. People would be smoking pot around me but I would pass and drink instead. But I do remember one night someone asking me if I wanted to try cocaine. So I snorted it not once but twice and it had no effect on me whatsoever. I know that God's protection must have been on me even when I didn't know Him. He knew if I would have gotten that high feeling from cocaine one time it would have been over for me. Because numbing out was a huge part of my life so that would have been the ultimate way to do that. I didn't realize how much God loved me even then when I hadn't even acknowledged His existence. How amazing is that?!?
I pray that today even in the midst of everything that may seem difficult to deal with or being angry with the life that has been dealt you, that you can stop and thank God for even the littlest things. Because actually they are not that small. We can choose to use the bad things in our lives to become angry and pity ourselves or we can use them to help others get out of their pit! When we stop focusing on ourselves and help those around us, our problems seem to disappear. And by helping someone else work through life, it heals us in the process. Who is God sending your way to help you heal?

"Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Psalm 5:11

Sweetly Broken

I don't even know where to begin with my revelation from yesterday. I think you can tell by my previous blog that my husband and I have been struggling in our marriage. We have struggled pretty much from day 1. Mainly because we both brought baggage into the marriage and in the midst of it all there have been situations that I have been unable to forgive or forget..or should I say I have not really chosen to forgive or forget. I've been very angry with my husband and it's showed to him each and every day. Don't get me wrong there have been some awesome days with him as well.
I was talking to a few friends yesterday and talking about what I want to do with my life. How I want God to use me. The first thing God showed me in the conversations was my youngest son's face. God asked me if I would be able to forgive your son for things he's done when he gets back. He said "Will you continue to tear him down or will you allow him to heal and move on?" Of course my immediate response was of course I will love on him and build him up. And He said then why won't you do that for your husband? And he showed me my son's face and then Brett's face. He showed me in the sadness in both.
The second moment of revelation was when I was talking about how I wanted so much to move on what God has ready for me. And God told me that He has called all wives to be helpmates to their husbands. Wives sometimes hear the word submit and they think it's something negative, but it's submitting to God and helping our husbands. If we love our husbands and allow God to use us to build them up, the submission will be easy. God will build the love and trust in us as we cheer our husbands on and in the process He will allow our husbands to love us the way we need to be loved. Of course if you know me at all, I argued with God. I said "But God I want to do things for you and my husband is holding me back!" And He sweetly said back to me, "My Child your husband is not holding you back, by not being his helpmate you are holding him back."
Needless to say these revelations changed my heart immediately. I cannot explain it but I repented on my knees and wrapped my arms around my husband last night and cried uncontrollably and kept telling him "I'm sorry" and at one point I said "I need you to look at me and realize just how sorry I am for tearing you down and not being the wife I need to be for you."
So now I realize how I am going to find out who I am and how God sees me. He will use my husband to show me! I thank God for being "Sweetly Broken" so that I can fulfill my most important call on my life. To be the best wife I can possibly be!

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Don't Be Afraid To Be Sweetly Broken! PLEASE WATCH!

Time To Clean The Graffiti of My Heart

I picked up my "Love Dare" book today and decided it was time to go through it again. Or should I say...pick up where I left off. I don't know if any of you have been through it but it makes you look at your spouse in a whole new way. So that's why I start going through it and suddenly it's been months since I did anything in it. I opened it and of course was exactly where I needed to be right now in this moment of my life. "Love Believes the Best" This chapter talks about having deep and private corridors in our hearts that lead to 2 rooms. One is the Appreciation Room in which we write positive words and phrases on the walls about our spouse. The other one is the Depreciation Room where we write all the negative and frustrating words and phrases on the walls. And we need to make a choice which room where are going to camp in when it comes to our relationship with our spouse.
Yeah...talk about hitting me upside the head! This is it. I hold my heart back from everyone including my husband. Especially my husband. He is the closest to me and the one that can hurt me the most and the one I can hurt the most. It is the scariest to be vulnerable to him.
But I was thinking that these rooms are not the only ones past the corridors. There are rooms for our parents, children, friends, enemies and even God. If we look at past memories and our relationships we will have good and bad events that happened. We need to look at them and see if we dedicated an entire room for bad memories and who they involve. Who's taking up space in our hearts and what doors need to be shut.
The process of me learning to see myself for who I was created to be is to clear all the cobwebs out in my mind. I've known that and have worked hard on doing that but I've never visualized it in such a way as the Love Dare book did for me. All the times that I felt unprotected have taken root in my heart and mind. They have taken over thought processes in a way that sometimes controls my life and actions. And I've chosen to camp out in the Depreciation part of my heart to protect myself. But I am then not allowing God to protect me in the process. I'm not believing in His promises and that He has a bigger plan full of surprises and excitement.
I pray that you will take a look at your "Depreciation Room(s) in your heart and work to clean off all the graffiti and negative phases and comments written on the wall(s). It's time to set up camp and live in the Appreciation Room of our hearts!

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." Ephesians 5:1-2 (The Message)

Can Cleaning Be A Hobby?

An end to another day. And as I say another day it really isn't. This day has brought new hope and excitement. And if I had to narrow down why I feel that way, I wouldn't be able to do that. I have spent several days in a slump. Maybe because of the holidays and maybe missing my son, but most of all because I just plain decided to isolate myself in the house. It has been awhile since I've gotten out of the house and really did much of anything.
My seasons have changed so much lately that I can't keep track what my days consist of anymore. For such a long time it was going to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Then it was cutting back my hours to quitting completely. Next it was homeschooling my son to now being home every day by myself wondering what the heck to do. I will be starting a women's lifegroup again soon and I started mentoring women once again but what about the other spare time? How do I manage that? To be honest...cleaning isn't much fun anymore. And can cleaning really be a hobby? And even if it was one, would I want that as my only hobby?
So now it's back to finding what I enjoy doing. I spent so much of my life trying to numb out or just get through each day without falling apart that I never really explored finding the little enjoyable things in life. When I was younger I played basketball and absolutely loved it! I even coached my son's basketball teams when they were younger. I took piano lessons for years. I would say that it was enjoyable but I used it as a coping mechanism. When I was struggling or upset I would sit down at the piano and play until I had stuffed down everything that was bothering me. I have a piano in my basement and I can't look at it without it bringing back bad memories. I also used to draw but mostly cartoons and I enjoy writing. Yep - still not coming up with a hobby.
So I guess for now my hobby will be seeking God and allowing Him to show me what to do with my time. He will take me in a direction that will only lead to awesome opportunities. The one thing I know is that whatever I decide to do, I need to surround myself with women that will help me to grow as a woman of God and to just have fun! I've missed out on that in my life and it's time to giggle and laugh like I've never done before. I have a tendency to isolate myself from people because it feels safe. So I know that when I get in a slump and I'm reverting back to old habits, it's time to push out of it even if it takes more effort and energy than just sitting back and doing what feels more comfortable. I pray that you will do the same thing? What is God asking you to do this week? You might just be surprised.

"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy." 1 Peter 1:13-16 (The Message)

Better Listener Than Talker

I've been thinking about this blog and what I first set out to accomplish and that is to find me. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't realize that I would be having such a hard time looking in the mirror. I don't think I understand how much I had shoved that little girl down into the depths of my soul. It's like I've pushed her down to never see daylight because she needs to be protected. And what if I let her out? What does she hold within? I'm sure there has to be sadness, frustration and anger. I know there was a time that someone had really upset me. He was moving me away from my kids and an anger came from deep down that frightened me. My arms were swinging and I made contact with his face. Instead of an anger it was more of a rage. That scared me so much that I vowed to keep that emotion deep down. It could never come up again.
I think back to that time in my life. I was struggling with my relationship with my sons. In fact 2 of them wouldn't hardly even speak to me. My mom had just passed away from cancer and my new husband had gotten a job in Denver and we needed to move away. Which meant I was leaving my sons behind. My youngest son was a momma's boy and I think he suffered the most when I left but I know it affected all of us. I would drive back as much as possible but I no longer wanted to live the life I had put myself in. In fact I tried to commit suicide several times. I would take enough pills that should have killed me but I would wake up days later and be angry. Why did I have to wake up???? I was no good to anyone. Everyone would be better off without me. How selfish was that thinking? Finally I decided enough was enough and I moved back to be with my boys and left my husband. We had a long distance marriage for a few years but ended up going our separate ways.
Isn't it funny how we go through life with major events happening each and every day and somehow we just move on thinking we are supposed to deal with it. We don't really know how to deal but life isn't going to stop because we are struggling. There are jobs we need to go to, kids that need taken care of and a house that needs cleaned, etc. Who has time to stop and focus on healing? But we need to. Our bodies were not meant to house the junk we shove in. Somewhere we stopped communicating in our society. We have decided being busy is the answer to everything. I know that God has put some incredible friends in my path that are ready to listen if I need to talk. I just don't want to bother them because I know they surely have better things to do. But we need to take the time for one another. We need to be there for each other and I'm thankful for my friends. I'm sure you have them as well. I know I'm a better listener than talker. But maybe it's time for me to talk!

"You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom,
when you make friends with Madame Insight.
She's worth far more than money in the bank;
her friendship is better than a big salary.
Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth;
nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her.
With one hand she gives long life,
with the other she confers recognition.
Her manner is beautiful,
her life wonderfully complete.
She's the very Tree of Life to those who embrace her.
Hold her tight—and be blessed!"
Proverbs 3:13-18 (The Message)

Please protect me Father

I am sitting here wondering if life will be different. I know that it is different from the way I used to live and see it but I mean "truly" different. I want to wake up each morning excited for the day. Not to just be okay with it but absolutely be in love with the day and my life.
I put myself in a situation last night that made me feel very unsafe. I felt vulnerable in a way that brought back feelings of wanting desperately to feel protected by someone. I wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and just make it be okay. I started thinking back to when I was in 6th grade. I moved from a very small school to a larger one. I went from about 4-6 in my class to around 80. There was some excitement with that but also fear. What started out as a chance to see life differently to "hiding out". I had a boy in my class that would stalk me. He would treat me okay if I was his girlfriend but if I ever decided to "break up" with him, as middle schoolers call break up, then he would make my life miserable. If I wouldn't be a part of his life then he would make sure everyone else in our class would have attitudes with me. I was to the point that I would skip school or try to avoid him and everyone else. I specifically remember hiding out in the bathroom during recess because I knew if I stepped foot outside he was going to do "something". I had a teacher come into the bathroom and let me know that I needed to be outside so I reluctantly went out and once I stepped foot outside there was a teacher standing right there. I thought "Thank goodness. Someone is here to protect me." The first words out of this teacher's mouth was "Hiding out in the bathroom huh?" And then he started laughing and guess who was right behind him? This boy! And he took my arm and threw me around till I finally flew to the ground and this teacher watched and laughed.
I've waited my whole life to feel like someone loved me enough to protect me. And even though I know I have a Heavenly Father that absolutely loves me there are times I feel like He could have done more to protect me...that he could have let people show me love when I really needed it. And then He reminded me this morning that He did protect me from this boy in my class. He might have been able to mentally, verbally and physically abuse me in middle school but God stepped in before it went any further. This boy came to my house one night knowing that I was home alone babysitting my little sister. My dad and mom had just gotten home from a dance and the doorbell rang. My dad told this boy that I was in bed and to leave me alone. So this boy went to my friend's house immediately after and raped my friend. It could have been me! I regret that it was my friend but I know that God stopped that event from happening to me.
Sometimes we look at the bad things and forget about the good things even if there are few of them. We need to look at all the good that surrounds us and not focus on the one bad part. I know that once I am completely and utterly focused on God at all times that all hell can come against me and I will be okay. Because Christ made it okay and Satan wants me to lose sight of that. Satan wants me to fall apart at the seams and I refuse. I may have lost a lot throughout my childhood but the one thing I will never have lost and that is that I am a child of the most High and He sacrificed His Son so that I can have eternal life. No one else will ever do that for me. No one else can protect me the way that He can. And in the midst of the trials that surround me right now, I know if I stand strong I will survive and wake up to the excitement of each and every day!

"But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously." Micah 6:8 (The Message)

That's Close Enough

I'm writing this morning with a sad and fearful heart. I know what I am going to say sounds strange to most of you but just follow me. I have been once again overtaken with my emotions and the feeling of failure as a mom. I think I've lived through the shame and I've asked my children for forgiveness for not being the mom I think they deserved. But here I am still feeling like I should have done more. They were little. They didn't deserve what happened to them just like I didn't when I was little.
I distance myself from children. I enjoy being around them but only short periods of time. You know it's like when you pat them on the head and say hi and then think "Okay that's close enough. Don't try to get into my head or heart." I felt like I was supposed to help with Awanas this year and it has been great. I didn't think I could do much damage a few hours one day a week. Yeah there was the one very embarrassing moment but it was something minor I could laugh off. I absolutely love those children and we get together and worship and pray. More than anything I want them to gain an intimate relationship with God at a very young age. I've asked them to pray over one another and just to see the excitement about talking to God and realizing if they are having problems reading God can help them is priceless. I know my life would have been different if I would have known how to call out to God when I was a very little girl.
I have 3 sons that I absolutely love. But I didn't really know how to be a mom. In fact to be honest it stressed me out. Their dad is a farmer and was busy as farmers are so the boys and I would do quite a bit by ourselves. But I didn't know how to respond to them when I was overwhelmed so I turned to what I know best...numbing out. When they were very little I chose an eating disorder. I basically stopped eating knowing it was the only thing I could control in my life at this point. Everything else seemed to be chaos. My boys were just boys. Energy, fighting and did I mention ENERGY????? And since I wasn't putting the proper nutrition in my body I definitely couldn't function properly. I came close to dying when the boys were little. I had a doctor tell me if I hadn't gotten help I would have died within a week. Did that scare me???? No. I thought the boys and their dad would be better off without me. I was a mess and was far from the wife and mother they deserved.
That was the thought that stayed with me - that I carried with me from childhood. I would rather be dead! What kind of a life was I living anyways and I just caused pain for anyone around me. So that brings me back to the not wanting anyone to get too close. If they REALLY knew me, would they like me? So I spent my entire life smiling behind a mask I thought everyone would surely like. I tried so hard to draw people's attention away from me. I wanted to hide and realize now the very things I was doing to try to hide just made people look at me even more. Because the things I was doing before I knew God were wrong. Yeah I still do plenty of wrong things and I still hate to draw attention to myself but I know now that I am forgiven. That some day I am going to see myself as a beautiful woman because I have to believe that God wouldn't create junk. I cannot wait till the day that happens. I lived a fair share of my life thinking I was just an example of "what not to do". See that girl over there - do the exact opposite and you will be fine! But I realize that I endured as much as I did so that I have a testimony to help others. I have been there. I don't have to read the book. It was my life.
And as I'm writing this....I hear God saying "See My Child, you are a new creation and are forgiven. Your sons may have struggled because of your actions, but I will take that and use it for good. You are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what you had and your boys will be just fine." Thank you God!!!!!

"God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. Salvation's available for everyone! We're being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. This new life is starting right now, and is whetting our appetites for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness." Titus 2:11-14 (The Message)

You Are Not Your Circumstances!

I helped with our Food Outreach this morning. I always enjoy that every Saturday morning. I was asked to pray with a gentleman that was in need of healing. As we were praying I could hear that it was fear that was causing his illness. I prayed that he would be able to release that fear of failure. I kept hearing "tell him Lori that he is not his circumstances. That I am bigger than that and I am with him." When we were done praying I told him that God loved him so much and asked if he felt it while we were praying and he said "yes". And I repeated the message that he was not his circumstances and tears started forming in his eyes.

Thank God that I am not my circumstances. I can tell you that I don't remember much about my childhood. I can remember a few fun incidents especially with a couple of close female cousins but beyond that it is a black whole. My first vivid memories are of 6th grade. That's why I said earlier that I look into my eyes in baby pictures and when I was very little and ask that little girl to speak to me. I want to know what she was thinking in the midst of what was going on. My mom was a very gentle woman. She would always smile and yet you knew that she was hiding behind something. I knew she loved me a lot but never really gave hugs and kisses. And there was a sadness that loomed. But she could always show "the face". I was never really close to my dad. There were situations with him that caused me to mistrust him at a deep level. In fact there were many men in my life that caused me to distrust male figures completely. They seemed to only look at me as a body and what they could do with it. I don't know if anyone ever really saw "me". So if I were my circumstances even as a young girl, I would have been trash, used and abused. But the flip side is that I didn't have a relationship with Christ. I didn't know at the time it wasn't true. That's how I perceived myself. I lived with shame all through childhood. I would never make eye contact with people. I would look down as I walked. I was a worthless ragmuffin.

As I'm typing those words "worthless", I ask myself if that is still how I see myself. And if I have to be honest I say "yes". I know that Christ died on the cross for me and my sins. I know through him I am worthy even when I do rotten things. But the image of myself from a little girl is still with me. I look in people's eyes when they talk to me to see if they really look at me. Do they see me for more than "a body" or a waste of time. And I can honestly say that God has put some genuine people around me that I truly believe really want to know me and don't care about the ugliness that once surrounded me. I have been praying for God to put those people in my life and remove the ones that continue to tear me down. I don't have time for that. I've wasted too many years running from God and seeking my own way. So I can look into the eyes in the pictures and see a little girl trying to make it with a smile and laughter but seeing sadness and hopelessness behind all of it. And if I look at pictures taken recently I probably can see the same thing. Yes I've come a long way but the overwhelming sadness looms deep down. That little girl needs to heal so I can.

"O Master, these are the conditions in which people live,
and yes, in these very conditions my spirit is still alive—
fully recovered with a fresh infusion of life!
It seems it was good for me
to go through all those troubles.
Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline.
You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing."
Isaiah 38:16 (The Message)

Today is a New Day!

Today is a new day. That is what I keep telling myself. You know how you've been so used to putting on the "face and smile" for so long it just becomes a normal part of your routine first thing in the morning? That's been my life for far too many years. Someone told me the other day that people don't really know me. I can understand that. Because I really don't know me either. When you've lived your life trying to just be okay, it messes with you. So here I am. God has brought me to a place that I cannot fake it anymore. I used to say "Fake it till you make it". You can see how well that has worked for me. I am at a point that I really have to look at what's left to heal or I won't survive. The past couple of days I have walked around feeling like I am grieving. I either cry at a drop of a hat or I am in a state of nervousness or just plain out of it. I sit and just stare. I know that I am grieving the fact of not being able to see my youngest son but I am also grieving the person I've known and lived with for so long. God is ready to strip me of that facade once and for all.

So let's start with Georgie Ann. I look into her eyes in baby pictures and wonder what she could tell me. What were you thinking? Georgie Ann was the name given to me at birth and I had that name till about six months old. I was put up for adoption at birth and waited that long before I found a place to call home. I cannot say for a fact that at such a young age you can actually feel rejection but I can say it was the beginning to a life of not feeling safe and more rejection to follow.
I was adopted into a home and suddenly had an older sister, which was also adopted. We were quite the family. My dad had dark hair, my mom had red hair, my sister had blond hair and I had black hair that stuck straight up. I was a little Indian girl.

I'm typing this and it is making me very nervous and uptight. I know that I need to get everything out but it's easier to tell people your story that you are closest to or a group of people at church, but strangers means I am putting my life out there to be judged or misread. And I don't ever want to hurt anyone in the process. So that is why throughout this blog I will not use names or specific people. I don't feel like a person needs to remember everything in their past. I don't think I need to relive the specific details to heal. But I do need to look at what God puts in front of me. Not only do we stuff events, but we stuff the emotions that are attached to them. The only way to feel safe is to take care of all of it. So it all gets pushed down and pushed down till you get to a place that if you stuff one more thing, you will explode!

As I'm praying for God to reveal to me what it is exactly He needs to do in me today, I challenge you to do the same thing. I will tell you that I have been here before in my journey, only a different place...a different season. We are like an onion and God needs to work on each layer and continue to unravel us till we get to the core. But I can also tell you that I tried to heal without God and it was a waste of my time. You can do nothing without God. He is your creator. Why would you want anyone else beside you helping you to be the person He created you to be? He knows everything about you. If you do not know God or have a relationship with Him, that is your first step. In fact as you read this, I imagine you feel a stirring inside. We were not meant to be alone! If you have not accepted Christ into your heart you may read this prayer out loud.
“Jesus, I need you. I repent for the life I’ve lived apart from you. Thank you for dying on the cross to take the penalty for my sins. I believe you are God’s Son and I now receive you as my Savior and Lord. I commit my life to follow you. Amen.”

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Please take this journey with me in a new way - as a new creation.