Waging War!

I have been praying and crying out to God so much lately, I wonder if He is even there listening anymore. I was telling Him this morning that I am at the end of my rope and need Him to throw me His. I've been praying for a word, any word. I just need to know He is there somewhere. I remember when I first started my walk with the Lord. He would show up in ways I never thought imaginable. I would get little notes and see things that I knew He had placed there just for me. But I'm walking this road and I feel so alone. I keep hearing, "Lori don't give up!" Is it because He knows I'm so close to actually doing that? This season I've been going through for some time now has opened my eyes to so much. Some of the thoughts I used to have are slapping me in the face. I can remember hearing about people being homeless and living in their car. And I would wonder how that could happen if there were jobs out there. I would look at situations where someone had committed suicide and think how selfish it was to leave their family in such turmoil. I've watched shows on people that just leave and run with the hope of having a new life. But let me tell you, all of this has become more of a realty to me in these past months.
I understand why people are homeless. I have been looking for a job for some time now and you would think I could come across something. We live in a community where knowing Spanish is a must in the job market and unfortunately I do not know Spanish. Yes I could take Spanish classes for a semester at the college, but that doesn't help my situation right now. And I can tell you that more times recently I have thoughts of "why am I even here?" I feel like God has used me all that He can and my time is up and He is tired of me and left. It's a lonely feeling. And the running away....well it's a quick thought but I know I've done that so many times with my problems that I can't see myself doing it but the thought of a new life sounds so wonderful right now.
I'm not writing this because I'm asking anyone to feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I would ever want. But I do know that God has asked me to be vulnerable and transparent. So if I were to get on my blog and say "life is great right now", I would be lying. And to be honest, I know that other women are out there feeling the same way. So what do we do with all of this? We have to wage war against the enemy. This isn't a battle against the people around us. This isn't a battle against God. This is a battle against an enemy that has the sole purpose to steal, kill and destroy. And believe me, this enemy wants me dead! I can feel it all around me.
But if we can feel it all around us, we need to look at why there is a battle for our lives. It's because we are a threat! That threat is what is making me push on. I pray to do big things for God. The enemy knows that too. And he is trying to destroy me before that happens.
So for today, I am just going to rest. Rest in the fact the enemy will not win again today. I may be stuck in this season until God has everything put together for me, but it's exactly just that.....a season. And as long as I make it though this season even with a little frustration and not dealing it with perfectly, I've still won as long as I am alive and still walking forward! The same is true for you! Wage a war of your own today! Fight the right fight and let the rest go.
We are singing this song at church right now and I wanted to share it with you as well. This is our battle cry girl! LET'S DO THIS THING! CLICK

Home is in your Heart

I decided to share with you a part of my journaling today. I hope that it may help you with any of your struggles you may be going through today or the days to come. Remember you are never alone and He is always nearby ready to heal your aching heart! I know from experience. Writing in my journal daily helps me to get my thoughts back in perspective. If you don't journal, I pray that you would try it and see what God can do in your heart along the way. God bless!

"I'm having a difficult time today. I know I'm acting out in a way of trying to gain some sort of control in my life. I don't want to be emotional. I want to be filled with joy and peace regardless of what's going on around me. I'm so sorry Father. What's wrong with me? I know I didn't have a problem trusting and relying on you when I was single. Now I have a middle man which is my husband and I have to continue to know that you will speak to him and direct our paths through him. I feel so out of control in so many ways. I'm looking for a place to call "home" and can't seem to find it.
A home is a place that feels safe, peaceful and where family and friends gather. It's a place of laughter and fun! It's a place you can go when the world seems crazy around you and you can get much needed rest. I don't know if I've ever felt like I've had a "home". It seems as though there has been chaos around for so long. But what I realized today more than ever before is that "home" is wherever God is. I can find all of those things wherever I am wrapped in a blanket, with my bible, journal and worship music playing. So we might have our house and business taken away. We might be broke with no chance of money coming in soon, but I can always be at "home" with my Father anywhere I go! Thank you for that Papa! I love you!"

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

He is Directing Me to a Hidden Treasure

I have been pondering on the message at church all week and still unsure of how to deal with it or what God is asking me to do with it. Our Pastor talked about how he received a letter from a woman wanting to find her family because her Dad had slept around with so many women that she had found at least 30 siblings so far via Facebook. He happened to have the same last name. And it brought back so many emotions for me. Many of you already know that I am adopted. I've always been curious about who my birth parents were and what they might be like. But I've always known I was adopted and it never affected me. I would tell friends growing up and they would just act shocked and amazed like it was a big deal. I would just shrug it off. It didn't mean much to me.
Quite a few years back, long after my Mom died, I decided it might be great to finally meet my birth Mom. In my adoption papers, I had names of my birth Father and Mother. However, I had no idea if they were the correct names. I gave up with just a little bit of research, trying to decide if I actually wanted to go through with it. What if she rejected me? I had a friend that honestly thought she could contact my Mom and it would be a "happily ever after" reunion. She did the legwork and found my Mom. She contacted a close friend of hers and with conversations back and forth was told that my birth Mom didn't want any contact with me. She was remarried with a new family and they knew nothing of this baby girl she gave birth to so many years prior. So my biggest fear came true. And I wasn't devastated. Yes it hurt me, but I moved on. I had not had this woman in my life up to this point, I certainly didn't need her today either.
So that's not the confusing part for me. I was praying one day and I specifically heard words loud and clear "You know you have a Dad". God was reminding me that I had a birth Dad. And it was so odd to me because I had never thought about searching for him. Probably because of the relationship I had with my own Dad. A father figure, or men in general had scared me enough in my life that I wasn't willing to even go to a place of putting another one in my life in that kind of role. So who knows maybe you will be taking the next journey with me to not only finding a new trust in my Heavenly Father but a relationship with my birth Dad! I don't know why God would say that if he didn't have plans for it. Regardless I know that I am searching for a time with my Papa or Heavenly Father that I can just rest in His enormous lap and enjoy everything He has ready and waiting for me. And know that He will never hurt me. Maybe refine me to develop my character but to see Him in the way He is calling me to. What about you? Where are you at in your "Father" relationships? More importantly your relationship with your Daddy in Heaven? It's time we find out together!

"There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!"
Psalm 19:11 (The Message)

The Number of Your Heart

I recently had a stay in the hospital for a few days. I was having major chest pains and wasn't sure of what was going on. Even though I strongly disagreed with going to the emergency room, my husband was very adamant about me going. So we made a trip at around 11:00 pm. I was thinking I would just make a quick trip, they would check everything out and I would be back at home within a few hours. That didn't happen. They ended up admitting me.
Of course along with being in a hospital, there are always many questions from staff there. The doctor kept saying that I didn't have any risk factors that would lead me to have a heart attack. But my husband told me that I did. He commented on the stress we have been under lately. I just thought to myself "Yeah right. Everyone has their amount of stress. I'm not any different." But while I was in the hospital, God began to speak to me. I have a tendency to minimize everything that is going on. Not because I want to just ignore it, but because I think who am I to complain about my life? There are people that have it worse than I do. But God showed me grieving is good. I have had several losses in the past year. Not due to deaths, but due to change in seasons. It's not that I haven't had people to talk to, I just feel like they won't really understand. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but not at any fault of his own, he doesn't understand at all. He doesn't understand the emotions that go along with everything we've endured. He can compartmentalize and go on. That just doesn't work for me.
Now I'm not promoting for everyone to act out of their emotions, but at the same time we need to embrace them enough to see them through and be done once and for all. The nurses at the hospital kept asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what was my pain level. I would answer with the physical, but quietly I started thinking on the level that my heart was hurting with everything this past year. When my son was sent away for a year, it was a 10! No doubt about it. When God asked to me step down from everything I had ever known at the church, it was an 8. When I was asked to forgo everything that was comfortable to take in 4 grandchildren, it was a 7. But once I had gotten so close to them and was asked to release them back to their Mom it was an 8. When I think back to the marriage issues, it's a 9 and when I think to letting go of our family house that has been such a part of our lives, it's an 8. Throw in major financial difficulties in the middle, and it's a disaster waiting to happen. My heart finally said enough!
The hospital couldn't find any "physical" signs that I had or was getting ready to have a heart attack, but my emotional heart told me it was time to let go and stop trying to make everything seem okay. It's not okay. It's been a year from hell. I want to release it. I want to be done with the crying and the screaming, but I'm still in the middle of all of it. Trying to find a place where I can settle into and feel comfort once again can only come from God. I can't fill it with stuff, with people, or with keeping myself busy. It's time to rest in God and allow Him to love on me. To crawl up in His lap and just sleep like I've never slept before. It's time to just REST!!!! How about you? What number is your heart feeling today?

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."
~ Psalm 63:1

Building New Muscle

I am sitting in my room having quiet time and trying to find God once again. It's not that I actually lost him but I have not been as close as before. I was asking him last night when I went to bed about what happened. I wanted to know what happened to me. Why have I gotten weak? I remember when I fist began my relationship with Him. I would cry every weekend at church and I had such a reliance on God. I talked to him about everything and knew so intimately that he was there with me.
So I sit here today wondering why I feel so distant. What God spoke to me last night was that "Life happened". When I came to know him I was single and focused on my boys and building a relationship with them and trying to survive financially. It seems as though many years later, I'm married but right back to the same place only different. I'm still working on my relationship with my boys. Some of them are better and some are worse. And when you get married and have step children and families, it's another focus. I love my step daughters, don't get me wrong. They are not the problem, I am! I am trying to find my place in the midst of life, including family life.
I think that we all try to find our "place". Women specifically need to nest and find a place they are comfortable. And I will just say that God has not allowed that comfort in my life for some time. I know the reason is to make me grow in so many different areas. Being in the center of the battle, I'm not sure of what I'm learning but once I come out of it I know it will be crystal clear.
It would be easy to run. I don't know where I would run to. I really don't have anywhere to go. But I can remember one day not so long ago coming back from my sister's house and feeling alone more than I ever have in my life. I had a breakdown in my relationship with my sister and she has been the strong one in my family that I knew I could count on. Once that was stripped away, I really felt alone. So on my way back I cried, no I weeped on a whole new level. And I thought I could just drive and drive. No one would really miss me and even if they did, it wouldn't take long for them to forget me. Yeah the whole pity party thing. I think I had gotten to a place where emotionally I was at the end. I could not take one more thing happen in my life.
I know we have all been there. You may be there today. I am still pulling myself up and out but I know that God is there helping me. And I choose to take a breather before I pull myself farther out again. I'm not in a pit. I am just in a place that God is asking me to reach deep down and find a new strength. Not one I've relied on ever in my life before. When I pray to go to a new level in my life, it means that God has to train me and work muscles and areas that have not been worked before. Life is always about choices and I choose to live today. I choose to give God my life so that He can use it. I choose to just be me, but me stronger and better than ever before. What about you?

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them." Philippians 4:4 (The Message)

Shedding the Skin of Oppression

I was having my quiet time and studying the Word and God took me directly to 1 Chronicles. The word that stands out to me the most is "joy". Once again I am back to that word. After my study time I realized that God is pushing me in a way to feel exuberant joy. Real joy! Not one that comes and goes, but joy that stays with me every single day of the rest of my life. I want people to be around me and realize that my walk with God is not just about working hard and waiting for the next "thing" but laughing all the way through it.
I've been watching people around me lately. I see both. The joy and the sadness. I see people getting engaged and planning their weddings and they are so excited. I see the expectant parents waiting for the birth of their next child. I hear the excitement and joy in their voices. And I look back at my life and can't recognize any of that anywhere. I got married when I was 17. Not because I was so madly in love and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this guy, but that I wanted an excuse to get out of my house. He was a guy that was physically abusive and I knew that prior to getting married. On our honeymoon, he beat the crap out of me on a cruise ship and he ended up with scratches on his face. How joyful is that?
When I was pregnant with my two oldest sons, I was consumed about gaining weight. I was in the middle of an eating disorder battle and that was more important than the living baby inside of me. Once I had the babies, I was on my own. I can remember waiting for my husband to pick me up at the hospital to take us home and he called asking that I talk to the doctor to see if he could pick me up early because he was in harvest and had to get parts. Our joy of a new child was put to the side and we were resigned to being convenient on a parts run.
So having real joy in my life is so foreign to me. I remember a particular job I had and I would laugh constantly. It was great to have that every day. Since I've been home, I'm trying to find the laughter here. It's my own fault that I don't find it. I isolate myself from others. I don't really understand why I do that. I always thought it was because I didn't want to get hurt. But I realized this morning it is because I feel like I'm going to fail. I have put myself in such a position of being "responsible" that I've lost out on just letting go and being free in life. I can remember that whenever my Dad would help me out when I was a single mom, he would send me money in the mail and write a note saying that he was helping me out but in return I needed to call him more. I needed to be there for him more.
I didn't realize that I had associated people helping me with something attached in return till yesterday. I was praying about the words "falling from grace" and God showed me many things about how I view the world according to people in my past. Mostly my Dad. Now I have healed in so many areas with my relationship with my Dad. But the one thing that haunts me still to this day is that I had tried so hard to make amends with my Dad. I knew that as a Christian I needed to honor and respect him regardless of our past. I felt the need even more once my Mom died. She made me promise her right before she died that I would take care of Dad and not be too hard on him. He called me one day and we had the typical conversation and I was praying quietly the entire time to keep from getting angry. And he made a remark and I instantly lost it and spouted something back and then hung up. A week later he was dead. He died of a heart attack. That was the last words I spoke to him.
So here I am a very serious woman. I analyze things I say to people making sure that I was appropriate and didn't hurt them. I don't ever want to leave something negative in the air. And what this is doing is robbing my joy.
It's time to shed the old skin of oppression. God never intended for me to wear it so long. It's robbing my joy. I don't know what that looks like, but I know I will find it very soon. I am helping children 1 night a week. Talk about finding joy and laughter. It's just what the doctor ordered. Or should I say the great physician himself. I pray that you will find your true joy. Not the joy that just shows up every now and again but the joy that is deep down. And if it doesn't come naturally, I pray that you will allow God to show you what old skin you need to shed.

As I was journaling this morning, this song played on the radio. It's been a song that God plays for me so that I know He is still there. I hope you can find some comfort in it today as well. Click

Half-Hearted Prayers

Today is going to be a great day! I'm telling myself that because I have to believe it. The opposite is unthinkable. I've had way too many of the other days. You know how you pray and believe in your heart that things are going to change and God is going to answer your prayers. You believe it in your heart, but not with your WHOLE heart. It's because we think we are not worthy of something so wonderful. That it is for someone else more worthy - that lives their life without any difficulties or sin issues. Surely God will bless them before me. And let's face it, there has to be a long line of people before me. So it's hard to think that my time may be coming soon. God doesn't want us to live half-heartedly. Or not allowing Him to use us to our full potential.
Let's face it! Who is without sin? I can think of several of my closest friends and I look at how they live their lives and how awesome their personalities are and I think "Wow they really have it together". But at the same token, I'm sure people might think the same about me. I look at how the closest people around me are having things fall into place for them. And I ask God, "What is wrong with me? What do I need to change? What are they doing so well, that I'm not?" I'm honest when I say I am completely happy for them and how God is putting everything together for them. I just use them as an example of how I should be.
Then I realize I'm comparing myself to them. And God doesn't ask us to do that. We are all created unique. We all serve a purpose and mine is different than one of my friends. That's why the body of Christ makes everything happen victoriously. It's the same with our own body. We need all the parts working together in order for us to function appropriately and effectively.
I have to stay positive in my prayers and realize that God loves me so much that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. And He is not willing to sit back and only give me half - but the whole thing. That's why we cannot just settle for giving Him half our heart. We reap what we sow. So if I sow half-hearted prayers, I will reap half-hearted prayers! I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to accept that. I want it all! I will expect big things and I will give God my entire heart. I will not worry about getting hurt or rejected! I know that God is waiting for me to accept what He has waiting for me and know that I may not deserve it, but He loves me and wants to bless me anyways! And guess what, He loves you just as much! We are all His favorite. What is your prayer today?

"This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple." Colossians 1:26-27 (The Message)

I'm Accepting Today!

It's been a long weekend. I think I actually should say it's been a long couple of years. I was able to spend the weekend with my youngest son and attended a Parent Seminar. The seminar went well. I just realized some things about myself. I sat there one night listening to the other parents talk about how they got their sons to the school and I just sat amazed. Most of them had used a transport company and they had talked about how the 2 big guys came at 2 or 3 in the morning and took their sons from their bed and hauled them away in the night.
Our son was not "transported" but taken by his Dad and brothers. Of course he didn't know where he was going but that was difficult enough. I kept texting his brother the entire morning wondering if they were there yet and what his brother's reaction was. Even during that time they tried to protect me. I didn't realize how much of a reaction it had been.
When the other parents were talking about the different places their children had attended prior to this school, it brought me back to the first place my youngest son attended as well. I'm not going to name the place, but let's just say it was awful! If I would have known more specific information about this school, my son would have never set foot on campus there. In fact, just a month ago I heard from another Mom that had her son there while mine was attending had to remove her son. She had found out that pills and alcohol were being sold and a staple there. In fact her son, which is very young, didn't have problems with being addicted to drugs till attending. There was much more that happened, but I would rather not comment. Mainly because it's just too hard for me to even think about. I praise God every day that we were shown little things in the school while there for a parent weekend and we immediately removed our son.
But this was several years ago. And we are still trying to help our son see his truest potential in life. And after this weekend, I can see the changes in him but wondering when we know he is at the place that he can leave a school that is isolating him from the world and start to live life as God intended. It's hard and also very draining. My son has been there almost 9 months now. And it never seems to get easier to have him away. In fact it's much harder after spending an entire weekend with him.
God is showing me patience, as well as complete trust. Right now I want my son to be done and to come home and I hear God say, "He is not ready". Which makes me want to scream! I want to ask God if He doesn't see the pain I'm feeling, the tears that flow freely quite often and the sadness in my own son's eyes. And as usual, God reminds me of my own healing. He shows me the journey it's been and reminds me that I needed that time. And now it's my son's time. I can't say I am just giving in and being the perfect Christian that is full of laughter and joy, but I'm choosing to accept today. Accept God's perfect will for my life and my son's life.

"That's plain enough, isn't it? You're no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He's using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he's using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home." Ephesians 2:19-22 (The Message)

I know I've played this before, but I needed as a reminder today and thought maybe you did too! "IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT"

Stand up Soldier!

I found this quote this morning. "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." ~Victor Frankl~ Yep, I'm pretty sure that's what is going on with me right now. God is squeezing me in a way to move me in a new direction. And maybe not even a new direction. When I was having my quiet time this morning, God was showing me that I was in a battle zone. I've seen this before when my husband and I went to the mountains this summer. I looked at this mountain in front of us and asked God to show me where I was on this mountain of my journey and He showed me I was at the very top. I was amazed and excited but then He spoke to me and said "You are at the top My Child but you are laying down." And then I saw a picture of me laying on my stomach afraid to stand because of not feeling safe.
That's the image that God showed me again this morning. I felt like I was in the middle of a war. That shots were being fired all around me and I was laying down to take cover afraid to stand up. And God told me to STAND UP! He told me to not fear anything. That I need to stand and move onward and not look back. He also told me that I was not left behind and that I was a leader. He has called me to lead and once I do that, others will follow.
Talk about putting everything going on in a whole new perspective. I know I've been in a battle zone. I know that there is an enemy that would love to immobilize me right now. Because as long as I am not able to move, then I won't be doing anything for God and His Kingdom. And I have to believe that there is something big around the corner or I wouldn't need to fight so hard. So I am putting on my hard hat and I'm going to stand and move forward knowing that God will reflect any bullets that come my way. I will not allow the enemy to win this newest battle. I am going to lead and hope that others will follow. We are all called to lead by example and I've been questioning myself way too much lately. I've been standing on the sidelines waiting for the next big break to come along but maybe I need to make the break happen by moving forward. No one can be used while they are laying on the ground trying to protect themselves. No one won any battles doing that. Which battle do you need to fight today? You need to start by trusting God and knowing He has your back and will not let you down. I'm going to do just that today.

"How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it."
Psalm 119:9-16

Keep Walking!

I take time every morning to journal. Even if I feel like my day is going to be busy, I still find the time to quiet my mind and write about my prayers and concerns for the day. Not only does it help me to get everything out, but God speaks to me in the stillness of the morning. He helps to comfort my heart in unsettled places and He also answers my questions. Sometimes I don't hear what I would like to hear and this morning was no exception to that.
I have been in a cloud for some time now. Not a cloud of confusion as much as feeling like I'm walking around not being able to see through to the victory of what's at the clearing at the end. I'm not confused in it because I know that God is leading me through. Even if I'm blinded in some of the areas within it, I know that there is something God is doing within me. There are some days I walk in it with boldness and some days I have a tendency to hold back and God has to pull me. And when I say pull me, I mean pull hard.
Since my youngest son has been gone, it's been the most difficult journey in the fog so far in my life. My husband pointed out to me last night just how much it affects me. I'm always so excited to get to see him, but just as heartbroken when I have to leave him once again. I know that God keeps telling me that my son is not ready to come home yet and to have hope in what God is doing in his life even if I don't see the results just yet. But my Mother's heart wants to scream!
Which brings me back to my journal time this morning. I was asking God specifics about moving forward and He showed me that I'm not through the cloud yet. That there is more to endure and conquer within it. So immediately I started crying. I was pleading and asking God to give me a breather. I don't know what else my heart can take. But I have to believe that God knows what I can handle. And I know that with every battle, I've become stronger as a Christian and as a woman in a crazy world. God is preparing me for the place in my life that I have prayed so hard for. I cannot reach millions if I'm not strong and prepared in ALL areas. I can't be prepared in just a few or I will fall apart. Oh sure it might be okay for awhile, but God knows every aspect of my heart that needs work. And if I go out before Him thinking I am ready, I will not do everything I've wanted to do. At midstream I might have to stop and finish the work on my heart that God knew needed done all along.
This is what God spoke to me this morning about being in the cloud. "You have helped change and touched so many lives even when your light is dim. Look how many lives you will touch once you make it out of this cloud and your light is shining in full brightness."
So this is what I'm holding on to. I know some of you reading this may be going through a cloud of your own and wondering when it will ever end. But it will end. Don't look at the darkness of the cloud, look at the sparkles of light shining within. God is trying to show you something. He is doing a mighty work in you. Don't ever underestimate the character building that is happening in the midst of the battle to get out. You are called to something big. Even if you haven't prayed for it, God has a plan for you. You are not alone in the fog. He is there to take your hand and lead you...and even pull you like He is me at times. Don't panic! It will soon be over and you will see what's at the end of the cloud. But you have to fight to get there. If you just stand still, then you will be standing in the mist of confusion and not see what your life is truly meant to be. Are you willing to stand there and take that chance? I know I'm not!

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (NIV)

Training Required

I have been praying for God to give me some exciting news lately. I'm unsure of what that news may be but I'm ready for a glimmer of excitement. I've had my share of excitement lately but it's not the kind that I really want to write home about. I can say without a doubt that our house has not been without a dull moment for a few months now. And as the dust has settled I'm wondering what could possibly be next.
I feel like I'm in a marathon and I've just finished. I am at a place to catch my breath but at any moment God could shoot the gun off once again for the next leg of the race to start. I can feel it building as I write. But I'm really praying for God to let this next leg of the race to be one of laughter and a sense of belonging somewhere. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone reading right now, but I've felt like I'm all over the place but not really any "certain" place. It's a known fact that women need to "nest". They need a place that is a sanctuary and a place to call home. But I haven't felt like that's where I'm at. I feel like God is going to move us into a different house, which I am perfectly fine with. I am ready to "downsize" our finances. I don't want our lives to revolve around a house payment. But it feels like it's more than that. I hear that God is wanting us to get back to the basics. And I'm unsure of what that all means. But I do know that if He is telling us to do that, He will provide the rest of the details.
As my husband and I were praying this morning, I saw the 2 of us standing in quicksand and we have been standing there for so long looking for a stick to grab a hold of or someone to come along and help us out. But then I saw God's mighty hand reaching out for us and all we had to do was put our hands in the air for Him to pull us out. I think sometimes in life we look to people and things to make us feel "settled" or happy but those things can never fully make us satisfied. We need to stop looking around and look straight up. I know that in my most unsettled place in life that I can pray, journal or read and find the answers. The answers may not come to pass in the form of help right away because God needs to build our character within it. And I know that is exactly the place I am right now.
God doesn't want me to "nest". He wants me to stay a little uncomfortable so I don't stand where I am at for too long. Because if that happens I become stagnant and move into a space that is too hard to move out of. I've been there before in my life and I know I don't want to go back there ever again. So I'm willing to be right where I'm at today....waiting for the gun to go off to sprint for the next call of duty....whatever that may be. But in the meantime I am going to do the training required to do it properly. And for me right now, it's studying and writing. What is it for you?

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7 (NIV)

Ready to Move and Groove for God!

I sit and wait. I say that I am excited about this new season that God is bringing. The problem is that I thought I knew what it was and once again I may be totally off base. Sometimes we feel a passion stirring within us and we just know that God is finally ready to use it. I was worshiping at church last weekend and I heard the words "I'm sending you" so I got instantly excited! Because I know that God calls us but we have to wait till we are ready to be "sent". Sent could mean a variety of different things. It could mean a variety of different ministries. So once again I sit and wait.
I've talked to someone recently and explained to her that I didn't really know if she needed college behind her. She has such a huge testimony and God can use her to help others regardless of spending a lot of money on college and being away from her kids. Her children are her most important ministry right now. But I look at where I sit right now and it makes me wonder why I didn't have more goals in high school. I just wanted to get out of the house and do my own thing. I was very selfish in my attempt to numb out and get away from my Dad. I know that it is never too late to go back to college and get a degree but what would it be in? I don't know that what my goals to save lives for God can be learned in a textbook. I can tell I'm battling once again for my life and to not be discouraged right now.
I had a friend of mine send me a text message last night and said to rest because I need it for the next plan God has for me. I wanted to scream "Are you kidding me???" I've been resting! I stepped away from most of what I was doing at the church to help with Grandchildren and now that they are settled back in with their Mom I'm ready to move and groove.
But I hear once again to "rest and prepare". But wouldn't it be easier to prepare if I knew what to prepare for? I bet you can't tell I'm being cynical. I find myself holding back. I don't want to push for anything that isn't mine to push for. I don't want to stand in the way of anyone else being in a position that I'm praying so hard for. I want God's perfect will for my life and for those around me. So that brings me back to where I was in the beginning of this blog.....so I sit and wait!
So as I sit and wait I will continue to dream big! I don't know if I will be praying or focusing on any certain area ~ only to be used to reach millions once again. It doesn't matter who or what ministry. Millions are millions! And God knows which group of people that is. I can only speculate and we all know speculation is not truth and it can get our minds in a place that is unhealthy and leads to disappointment. So I will stick with God's truth which is that He loves me and will never leave me. He will do the same for you. What will we do in the stillness as we sit and wait????

"Take a good look at my trouble, and help me—
I haven't forgotten your revelation.
Take my side and get me out of this;
give me back my life, just as you promised.
"Salvation" is only gibberish to the wicked
because they've never looked it up in your dictionary.
Your mercies, God, run into the billions;
following your guidelines, revive me.
My antagonists are too many to count,
but I don't swerve from the directions you gave.
I took one look at the quitters and was filled with loathing;
they walked away from your promises so casually!
Take note of how I love what you tell me;
out of your life of love, prolong my life.
Your words all add up to the sum total: Truth.
Your righteous decisions are eternal."
Psalms 119:153-160 (The Message)

Rejection = Protection

Hope is defined as "to cherish a desire with anticipation" and a dream is defined as "a strongly desired goal or purpose". We talk so many times about our hope and our dreams and it came to me that I've had one in general and I'm anxious about putting a specific title to it. Let me explain. At one time not so long ago I was talking to someone and we discussed me doing something specific in ministry. I got very excited and started praying about it and even started studying and researching ideas for it. And then when it came time to God allowing me to do it, I was told that it wasn't the right time. I do understand God's timing. He has shown me over and over again the purpose of not getting something too soon. But I have to be honest, I was completely bummed to say the least. I felt like I had built myself up for something big I had been praying for and it was quickly taken away. But what happened shortly after was that 4 Grandchildren moved in to our house and they needed my attention more than anything or anyone else. They were my priority and ministry at that time.
Now that they are back with their Mom and trying to get settled in, I am once again looking to this next season. I pray to be used on a large scale for God and for His glory and purpose but I find myself holding back. I told Him the other day I don't want to be rejected. I have felt rejected a good share of my life and I don't know if my heart can take that right now. So instead of putting myself out there, I am just allowing myself to be okay with whatever is put in front of me. But God spoke to me and He said "Lori every time you feel rejection, I want you to think of the word "protection". Rejection = Protection. It's not rejection, it's me protecting you." Which made perfect sense. But it didn't help my heart to feel less anxious at the time.
I go back to the definitions of hope and dreams. A dream, or a strong desired goal is nothing without hope. We need to anticipate that dream. Believe that it will come to be. I didn't put these desires in my heart. God did and if He put them in me, there is a reason for it.
God is asking us all to step out in boldness. We might not always succeed in everything we try but it's better to lose at trying than not try at all. Think of all the failures famous people have had before they found the one thing that gave them their first break. I don't want to be famous in everyone else's eyes. I just want to be famous in my Heavenly Father's eyes. I know He will love me regardless of what little or big things I do, but to watch a person's life change in front of my eyes is amazing. I've seen it so many times. To sit back and let God use me to help change a lost soul is better than any spotlight or any amount of money in the world. We all have a tendency to find that "thing" that is going to make us happy. I can tell you without a doubt, it is helping people.
I don't want to be consumed by which direction God will take me in order to do that this time. I am willing to wait patiently in boldness and continue to pray that I will not miss it once it is placed before me. But in the meantime I am willing to dream AND hope and allow God to put ways to continue to prepare me along the way. I hope you can do the same in your own life today. I dare you.....like the Nike commercials say, JUST DO IT!!!!!

"But God told Samuel, "Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with his looks and stature. I've already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 (The Message)

What's a Little Rain?

I got up this morning and told myself it was going to be a great day. I have to do that more frequently these days. It seems as though I wake up tired and frustrated. I could blame it on a million different things, but reality is that I'm in a battle right now. A battle for this next season God is calling me to. It's funny how we believe in God and what He is about to do in our lives, but why is it so hard to believe that there is an enemy that wants to discourage and defeat us just as much as God wants us to succeed. There have been many days lately that I feel shut down. I've talked about it before. It's a way that I have coped for many years. In all the ways I could choose to cope this is probably the one that seems to cause the least pain and frustration in those around me. I can say that and try to convince myself of that, but it is still a way of coping other than looking to the Word or my God to cope in what's going on around me.
I'm asking God to show me how to guard my heart in the right way. I've been hurt so much in the past that I've guarded my heart in a way that I decide no one should have access. Hence, the shutting down. I know if you have followed my life recently you know that we have had 4 Grandchildren living with us. Their Mom has returned to their lives and we couldn't be more happy for all of them. We are praying for all of their lives to change in the Lord and become a family that is supportive and loving. I can say with certainty that I am happy for them, but at the same time I feel like my heart has been shredded. I poured my heart and soul into these children for a couple of months. It wasn't easy when they first came to live with us because it was so sudden but once I allowed my heart to open up freely I was in their lives in a way that was great for all of us. And suddenly they are out of my life and I don't know what to do about my heart. Now I realize that they are not completely out of the picture. They still live in the same town and I can see them whenever I want, but it's hard to watch their little attitudes change back to where they were before they came to live with us.
I don't expect everyone to change all at once, including their Mom. They have had years of acting and reacting in certain ways and it takes some time to change a cycle that everyone is used to. But oh how it hurts to watch. You want so much for everyone to get it and live life happy, but it's not my timing ~ it's God's.
So I sit back and watch those closest to me struggling and hurting. I'm still waiting on my youngest son to return home and after 7 months away, I'm still looking at possibly 5 more. He is doing great don't get me wrong, but my heart misses him so much.
In the midst of everything around me, God has and is doing something in me. I do have a dream. I have a hope in doing something huge. In fact God spoke specific words to me this morning. And the enemy would love to come along and make me think that I am unworthy or uneducated to do what God is calling me to. That's the discouragement I'm talking about first thing in the morning. So before I even step foot onto the floor when getting out of bed, I tell myself "It's going to be a great day Lori". On the days I forget to do that, the day turns out just as I wake up. Frustrated, tired and full of hopelessness. So first thing in the morning is my choice for the day. Is it going to be one of joy and newness or is it going to be one I waste away due to my own negativity? Today I chose joy and to be in warrior mode.
In my quiet time God spoke to me and said "It's time to stand up and stand strong for me and for those I call you to help." And that's exactly what I'm going to do. What about you? Don't let the enemy take that choice away from you today or any other day. It's going to be a great day my beautiful friend! Believe it and even if you can't believe, say it enough times till you can at least consider it.

"Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." James 1:22-24 (The Message)

What's a little rain? Bring me joy....Bring me peace!

I'm off and running, and not turning back!

Have you ever thought that you had a purpose in life so much that you have had visions and thoughts about just exactly how it was all going to turn out? Our Pastor brought that to mind in his message this past weekend. And it really hit me hard. I have been praying to reach millions for a very long time. I want to change hearts and lives not just in my hometown but in cities surrounding the globe. I had a vision of what that would look like and it included women. I've mentored women for some time now. I love and enjoy it. But I got to the point in my life where I just prayed for God to send me women that need a "friend". I want to not just mentor but be a great friend to come along side someone hurting.
I've went through some difficult times recently. And I felt completely alone. It wasn't that I was alone but it's just hard for anyone to understand what I was going through. Not by any fault of the people closest to me, but it's just hard for any of us to understand someone else's heart. I've prayed and prayed about what is going on with me. Why is everything hitting all at once?
First of all, God reminded me of the prayers that I have lifted up to Him regarding our family. He told me "You're the one on your knees every morning for your family." And He is right. I think we just have a vision of how clean-cut and effortless we want our prayers answered. I've also told God that I would take the suffering for our family. I know that I can walk it out. I've done it many times before. But once again He showed me why He is doing what He is doing. I can cry for my children and lift them up, but it's the suffering I endured that got me to where I am today. If it wasn't for me seeking Him in all of it and pushing onward, I would still be back in my old life. That's exactly what He wants for them as well.
I've had a sense of "family". You hear some parents talk about how awesome their children are. They talk about the grades they receive in school, the athletic abilities they possess, the college they attend or the next ministry they are involved in. And I would listen happy for them but comparing my own family and felt hopeless. How was I going to help my children to attain all of that and why hadn't I changed my life sooner so that my kids wouldn't be going through this pain and suffering now?
I heard a young man talking on the radio the other day and he said he had been raised in a Christian home, learning scripture daily and grew up in the church with a great family. He said that he turned to drugs and alcohol while serving in the Army and got kicked out just a few months shy of being discharged. And God spoke to my heart. He said "See it's not you. You didn't fail. It can happen to any child anywhere regardless of the best intentions of parents."
So I have to change my view of what family is. I don't need children that are excelling in every direction. I just want my children to excel in finding who they are and facing their difficulties in the right way. I want my children to grow up to be adults with a purpose! I don't want them to be self-consumed, I want them to be God-consumed and to make a difference for the Kingdom. I'm not going to push them to find their place, because what God showed me is that we do not really know our place until He is ready to send us there. We can have preconceived ideas of what that is supposed to be and then He shows us why we went through the trials we went through.
That's exactly what has happened to me. I thought I was going to change the world one woman at a time and then God has shown me ~ it's not the adults I'm to reach....it's the youth! We need to help the hearts and lives of our young people so they don't need to work so hard once they are adults. He needs them now and they are here for such a time as this.
I've felt like I've been surrounded by so much drama lately. And God showed me through a friend yesterday....He's building my endurance for youth. I mean come on, who has more drama surrounding them than our young people. If you question that, just spend a day on Facebook.
I can say I know this is from God because I would have never seen myself working with youth. It's a bit scary but at the same time I am excited more than I've ever been excited in my life. He's giving me scripture and direction to help me reach the goal He has shown me. Once we really figure out the call~He puts it all together. It's been there all along. I've just been looking in the wrong direction.


"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Philippians3:2-4 (The Message)

Get out the Duct Tape for the next road trip!

What a ride recently. I think I have had every emotion off the charts that you can think of. I remember back to a Beth Moore study I did this past winter and she talked about letting God drive and just to sit back and enjoy the ride. I could picture myself in a convertible with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair and I was just laughing and having a great time with God. No worries about where we were going because I knew He was driving and there was no fear in the road He would take me down.
So what happened???? I've been on this road less traveled by myself. I can picture a desolate road that leads to a beautiful setting with flowers, hummingbirds and a waterfall. God has had me in the passenger seat and I've been okay at times but at others I've screamed, tried to grab the steering wheel and even tried to bail out a couple of times. You see I've looked at the journey in all the wrong ways. And I look at how I handled it and it seems like a failure. If you've read my blogs before, you realize I'm a perfectionist which means that even the difficult journeys should be effortless and flawless.
So here I am at the end of one of the trails that God has taken me down. It's no longer desolate but it's still not the beautiful setting I so look forward to. So I am going to look at it as a victory. Yes I didn't handle everything as I would have liked. But I've still made it through without any major falls. I didn't revert back to my old habits of coping. Although at times it was definitely a temptation. There were times I thought I just want to get drunk and not care anymore. Who needs this life? It hurts like crazy and my heart is about to explode.
That was God's plan all along. For my heart to explode. It needs to explode. Right now I am holding on to it so that no one breaks it again. And I am exhausted! This road that God wants me to travel is one of letting go once and for all. To be free of all old natures and way of thinking and coping. To love unconditionally and allow others to love me the same.
He reminded me this morning that I have lost sight of Him. I've been so distracted that I forgot about Him. My eyes have been to people I love and their needs which is a legitimate distraction but I've put myself as their Savior instead of Christ. I've allowed myself to feel like I need to do it all on my own. So when the road has been scary and a bit bumpy, I've decided I need to handle it because I think I know what everyone needs. I can analyze life till I drive myself crazy. Somewhere along the way I've lost my Heavenly Father. He used to be the most important person in my life. Nothing came before Him and life was steady. Life was peaceful. So it's time to get back to Him and rest in His arms. Because I can do nothing without Him. Sure He will always be there loving me, but I have to allow Him to love me first. So here I am God surrendering to your will and to your calling on my life. I repent of trying it on my own. We made it through, but what a chaotic ride. The next road will be less rocky. I know that because I will sit back and allow you to drive. I may need some duct tape in a few spots but I know you are the provider of everything and you will surely provide that as well.
Welcome back to my life Papa! I have missed you!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10

I'm Feeling Better Now! This is exactly what I see for my next car ride with God!

Arise My Love!

I made a decision today to live it according to God's will. It could have went either way if I'm going to be honest. Not that I would have just went out and became a delinquent but I have had my share of rebellion lately.
Let me tell you what happens when you cry out to God. I did cry out last night. I didn't feel anything life-changing throughout the night or this morning. But I did have a wonderful friend send me a message with 2 scriptures that God had placed on her heart for me. And once I read them something happened. I can't really explain it other than it gave me a sense of hope. God knew exactly what I needed. He has been trying to talk to me the past few days more than ever and I have put up the hand in rebellion. You know when you tell someone to "talk to the hand". Now God could have moved on and thought this girl is disrespectful and I'm just going to move on. But He didn't. He didn't give up on me even when I tested the waters to the extreme.
I think maybe I test people in order to see if they are going to stick with me or if they are going to leave me. I've had alot of that in my life. I've tested people's hearts maybe without even knowing it and have been hurt to the point of no return. I have a special song that I usually only hear around Easter and yesterday morning in my despair it came on the radio and I heard God say "Arise My Love". This song is about His son but He was telling me to not give up. This is the song I'm talking about.
God told me that the grave no longer had a hold on me that I am a new creation and I need to remember that in the midst of every trial. The enemy wants to remind me of my old nature and he wants me destroyed. I also think back to what I've endured in my life and if I've had to fight so hard to get to where I am today ~ then the enemy has something to fear in me. And although I felt like I was close to giving up yesterday, I choose to stand today. I will not let the grave have a hold on me any longer. I am new in Christ. I didn't come this far to just give up and I hope in the midst of whatever you are going through today that you will not allow it either. If you have to fight for every step you take, then think about why that is. You have something huge just around the corner and the enemy wants to make sure that you don't reach it. I've tried to end my life several times but God kept me alive. There is a reason for that. I didn't get on my knees daily to pray for my children to allow the enemy this foothold. My kids need me to pray for them if nothing else. I see that God is answering my prayers. And the enemy can just kiss my butt because I've had it with his schemes. All the anger I've had lately will be directed in the right place ~ at my adversary ~ Satan!
Let the Lord be with you today and remember to fight in the right way. Not with words like I have lately but with the fruits of the Spirit. These are the scriptures that were shared with me this morning. I pray that they will calm your heart like they did mine today.

"Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:6-10

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:19-23

Which Will I Choose?

I'm at a point in my life where I want to give up so badly. I want to but know that I can't. I'm looking at something right in my face and don't know what it is. I feel like I'm drained to the point of no return. I used to have such focus on goals and aspirations and somehow I see them slipping from my grasp. This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up to change my life, help change other's lives and focus on a big dream that could not be attainable any other way than through God. And somehow I look at all of this and wonder where I've steered so off course.
I spend every single day with 4 Grandchildren which I love with all my heart. Or let's say the part of my heart that I allow to be vulnerable. I have shut the door to so much of myself that I fear there is no turning back this time. I know I have written before how I just want to be loved. And I thought that maybe I had found that and then it seems as though I'm not anywhere close. Things are coming out of my mouth that haven't spewed out in years. I am so angry. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of the anger. I know that it is difficult to feel so out of control but I should be at a place that it doesn't matter because I know that my Heavenly Father has it under control.
I feel like I am failing and I know I'm not failing, maybe just not being as obedient as I should. I find myself every single day wondering what I should be doing. How can I impact these children's lives and it all comes down to "I didn't do enough". I didn't play enough, I didn't give them enough attention or I was too rough on them with discipline. And then you put my husband in there and his needs, it's even more overwhelming.
Can I possibly be pulled in any more directions physically, emotionally and mentally? This past weekend I had such an awesome time with my family. It was the best 4th of July I've ever had and yet I know that once it's over, it's leaving my youngest son behind once again and that ticks me off. I can see how he is changing in such a great way and yet I'm being selfish that he is not here with me. I drive home only to discover it doesn't feel like "home" anymore.
I'm unsure of how to gain my composure or even be at ground zero these days but what I do know is that this is a journey of either great rewards or mass destruction. The choice is mine. And the starting point for me is to bring myself out into the light. I don't have it all together and at many times throughout the day I'm in meltdown mode. I'm tired of feeling like I need to have it altogether for everyone else. This is me right now and I'm overwhelmed and shutting down. Tomorrow is a new day. I can either choose to make it a better one or go down even farther. I will be sure and let you know which one of them prevails.
Dear God I need your strength more than I've ever needed it before. I do not want to feel so alone and I need you by my side helping me and comforting me. Please do not leave me. I can do nothing without you and I'm crying out. I'm desperate and I need your intervention. Not the intervention the world gives, but yours. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!

Thank you! Everything in me says "Thank you!" Angels listen as I sing my thanks.
I kneel in worship facing your holy temple
and say it again: "Thank you!"
Thank you for your love,
thank you for your faithfulness;
Most holy is your name,
most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in;
you made my life large with strength.

Psalm 138:2 (The Message)

Be Messy and Real!

I'm looking around my house at what a mess it is. I have friends coming over and I'm thinking I don't have any cookies made, I don't have laundry done and I don't have the house cleaned. It seems a little overwhelming to say the least. I have so much to do before 3:00. But then God reminded that I need to look at what is really important. It doesn't matter if the house is spotless. I doesn't matter if cookies are made. Snacks can be something simple and the laundry will get done eventually. God showed me why the house is a mess.
It's because I spent time with the Grandkids. I made an extra special breakfast. We painted even allowing the youngest which is 16 months old to finger paint. And kissed a Granddaughter that fell on her bike and needed some extra hugs and attention. God reminded me that everything I did this morning was way more important than preparing for a perfect visit with company.
I think it's like that for all of us every single day. We want everything to be perfect and spotless. Even ourselves. I know when my boys were little I was very bad about making sure the house was always very clean even to the point of a magazine on the stand had to be in a certain spot. If the boys would move it, it would frustrate me. Maybe I had a little OCD. And to be honest, I'm sure the 3 boys would move the magazine and go off in a corner just to watch me and my frustration. I'm sure it was a fun game for them to watch. I look back and wish I would have taken more time with them. I wish I would have taken the time to paint more, to ride bikes together more and to just plain have fun with them. I know that God is giving me Grandchildren to be redeemed and to know that I have Motherhood inside me, even when I never felt like a good Mom.
The other thing I realized is that I probably needed the house spotless because I wasn't spotless myself. I was a mess. My heart was damaged and all over the place. I was trying to cope with life by numbing with an eating disorder. To this day I want to be perfect for God. I want Him to be proud of me. But He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why His son died on the cross for us. We were made spotless by Jesus. We can be and look messy and that's perfectly fine. That just makes us normal. It means that we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and not come across as we have everything together. Just think, if we were to show how scared and frustrated we were more, others would realize that they are normal as well. We seem to live in a world that focuses on money and big houses and cars. And look at where our youth are at today. It's scary.
God is telling us to spend more time with our children, grandchildren and love them and teach them in the way they should go. But that just doesn't stop with our closest family. Others need to see that as Christians we are not perfect and we don't have it all figured out. That's why we have God. He helps us through any storm. If we had it all put together neatly then we wouldn't need Him and we would be just like everyone else in the world. Who wants that? I want to be unique. I want to help change the world. Even if that means I live in a messy house and I still struggle with life. I know that painting and laughing with my family is worth anything money can buy. This is life! This is the feeling God created me to have. Self worth for myself and for my family!

I might have shared this before. But I felt drawn to share it once again. This is your life. Is it everything you dreamed it would be? Click to Watch

What is your familiar spirit?

Last night I was reminded of just how far God has brought me from my old life. I was remembering a conversation I had with a woman I was mentoring. We talked about familiar spirits. I explained to her that when I was younger, my familiar spirit was sexual abuse. So anyone that had either been abused themselves or was an abuser would be able to search me out. I always wondered if it was something written all over my forehead but as I've walked with God He has revealed it's much more than that. We have a tendency to find people with familiar spirits. Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes it can be a bad thing. Some people that live in misery surround themselves with people of the same temperament. Likewise with people that are seeking the truth and seeking to live their lives according to God's plan. That is why the church body is so powerful. Because when 2 or more come together things happen. Now the same is true when it is destruction that is involved. Sew good, reap good. Sew destruction, reap destruction.
My friend asked me if that familiar spirit ever leaves and I said yes it does. Once a person changes their spirit to do good and righteous things, the old goes away. So if someone that was an abuser was around me today, they would not get a sense that I was weak and that I would be able to be taken advantage of. Now I will tell you that I have a familiar spirit for people that have been abused because that is something you never forget. I've forgiven just not forgotten and God allows us to remember for our testimony. If it wasn't for my sexual abuse I wouldn't be able to help women to the extent I do today. So I can say with full honesty today I am thankful for all the trauma I went through. It's molded me into a woman with a mission. A mission to help save women from their own destruction.
So if you are living your life wondering if you will ever be able to get past where you are today. I am here to say absolutely! But you have to want to change that spirit about you. Because if you are used to living in the pit.....that's where you will have a tendency to hang out. It may be a pit, but it's your pit. It's what is normal and comfortable to you. But it's time to find a new sense of normal. Change your familiar spirit. The world is not going to change, so you need to do it yourself. I tell my youngest son. The town he lived in is not going to change. The people that he hung out with probably won't change but he has to. Because if he comes back home with the same spirit, it's only a matter of time before temptation takes over. We have to make ourselves strong enough so that Satan himself could show up at our doorstop and we could smile and shut the door in his face. I pray that for you today. Find the strength! It's in there. You may just need to look another direction to find it.

"Don't overlook the obvious here, friends. With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn't late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn't want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change." 2 Peter 3:8-9 (The Message)

Definition of Strength in You

I looked up the word "strength" today. I looked it up because I needed something to grasp on to. I needed more than just saying every morning "God please give me the strength to get through this day." The definition that caught my eye was "The power to resist attack; impregnability." And then I thought what does "impregnability" have to do with it. So I searched that word as well and it is defined as "invulnerability: having the strength to withstand attack".
When you look at all of this within the world it just means to get tough or something I've heard from a friend quite a bit "Suck it up buttercup". Which in turn, we take as numbing out or stuffing it down. I had a moment of weakness this morning when I completely shut down. My husband was trying to talk to me and I just stared off into space. I didn't feel very strong at that moment even when my prayer in the shower was the exact opposite.
I am very thankful that I have a husband that will pray for me when he sees I'm struggling. Even if I'm being stubborn and say I'm fine. We live life each day and try to take on the world on our own. What we need to realize is that we were never intended to take on the world by ourselves. We have a Father that loves us and wants to help us through any trial. He will equip as long as we are open to what He has to say. I know some people really don't understand how they can actually hear God or what I'm even talking about. But the great thing about it is that you don't have to do anything except have an open mind and a willing heart. God will meet you right where you are at.
When we've struggled on our own and decide to take the steps to live life according to how God calls us to live, He will start opening doors once we start shutting the ones that has lead us to the darkness. When we choose to change our lives, God will take care of us emotionally, mentally and financially. Bills will be taken care of in a way we never thought was possible. We are able to withstand any storm that comes our way. Will we still have challenges? Absolutely! But I am thankful that God loves me enough to take me to a new level and new rewards and the only way to get to them is by pushing through each struggle the appropriate way and it's not by shutting down which I did so well this morning.
I have spent so much of my life shutting down that it seems so normal that sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it until someone calls me out on it. I know myself well enough to know that when I start reverting to my old coping patterns, it's time to take a look at my quiet time. It's not the quantity but the quality that matters. We think we need to sit and pray for hours to actually do it right. But God will take whatever time we can give Him. He knows our schedules and how busy they are. Sometimes just a quick cry out for help is all we need for that day. Or maybe a quick devotion. Since my life has changed and my schedule is busier than ever, that's what I need to be okay with. I think I am such a perfectionist that I tend to try and be an overachiever in everything I do which means my relationship with God. Then I get down on myself and feel like I'm failing. I'm not failing. I may not get on my knees for hours daily but I do talk to God all day long. He knows my heart and I'm not afraid to scream and say "What in the world are you doing?" He already knows I'm frustrated. It's not like I can hide it from Him. And once I scream it out, I feel much better. I don't want to stuff anymore down because I know that it will only turn to anger or bitterness and I need all the peace I can have in my life right now.
I pray that you will choose some sort of quiet time today and know that you are not failing. If you don't know where to start, just cry out and ask God to put someone in your life that will help you. You were never intended to carry any burden alone and God will send awesome people in your path to help you. The enemy loves your isolation. He can lie and lie to you until you actually believe the lies to be the truth. Seek out the real truth and the love of God and other people. You are beautiful and made for a purpose. You were not a mistake. You are the exact opposite - Life giving for yourself and for others.....an overcomer!!!!! God doesn't call the equipped - He equips the called. And that is YOU and ME.

“The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”- Psalm 121:7-8

Allow Your Heart to be Changed

I am flying on cloud nine for sure this morning. It's not a secret that we have had our share of struggles lately but God showed us something new and unique last night. Or maybe I should just say He showed ME. God has been telling me for awhile to let people in and to allow them to love on me. I felt like something was going to happen but I wasn't sure what it was. And to be honest, I kept praying against a tragedy. And the thought of needing to rely on anyone else scared me. I've tried that my entire life and it never panned out so well. I've had family come and go, friends come and go and it just made me put a wall up thinking I could not trust anyone. It seemed as though the people that I got the closest to ended up breaking my heart or worse.
I can say that I am relieved that the "tragedy" I had been praying against didn't happen and that what God was preparing me for was Grandchildren in our house instead. I'm not saying it's been a road of bliss. It's actually been a road of adjustment that has been difficult for everyone involved and we're still not there yet. We're still not settled in to the routine of family because I don't know if anyone here really knows the meaning of that word.
My husband and I have so many variables in our lives right now. We are unsure where we are supposed to move to. We know we are supposed to sell our house but unsure of the next destination. We pray and we pray looking for the sign saying that this is it. We prayed yesterday morning for God to either shut everything down or allow our business to start making money. My husband came home yesterday and said he had sold 2 cars. He then asked me what I thought God was saying and I just broke down in tears. I just told him that I can't think about it anymore. Everything is overwhelming and it takes too much effort to try and figure it out. My brain is dead tired and fried. I even asked him if he thought I needed to be on medication in which I got the "husband look". Some of you may know the look I'm talking about.
But then God did something for us last night that took my breath away. We had some friends give us a blessing shower for the Grandkids. I was very nervous going because I don't like to be the center of attention. Give me a corner and I can be the best wallflower there is. And I looked around the room at all these people that were there for us. Giving the Grandkids gifts even when they didn't even know them. They blessed us with gifts, but they have no idea they blessed me with so much more. An unconditional love I've never felt before. God had used all of our friends to show me the real meaning of family. I am crying again just thinking about it.
And so I think regardless of where God moves us to next, we will be just fine. We will have our family in tow and will build memories that no amount of money can buy. And I truly believe the Grandkids feel the same way. One of the Grandkids asked me this morning if we would live in a big house or a really little one hoping for a "really big one" and I just asked him a simple question. I asked him if he had the opportunity to have a big house and a big tv, the best video games and a lot of stuff or have his Mom not work so much and spend time with him what would he pick. And he didn't even have to think about it. He said HIS MOM!!!!
I pray that you will not only help someone in need today even if it's a kind word but you will also allow others in. It will change your life, but more importantly it will change your heart. Believe me, I know. It happened to me last night.

"Be vigilant, listen obediently to these words that I command you so that you'll have a good life, you and your children, for a long, long time, doing what is good and right in the eyes of God, your God." Deuteronomy 12:28 (The Message)

Find the Joy in Your "Nows"

I put on my status this morning that I am living on faith. To say that is an understatement. I told God this past weekend that I can not take "one more thing". I know that God is answering my prayers and maybe not in the way I would like, but He is answering them all the same. Sometimes I wonder if it's all a test to see if I will stand by God in the midst of all of these trials. And I'm sure that maybe a little of it is but most of it is just His design for my life and my families' lives.
I have to be honest....there have been times I've wondered what it would be like to go back to my old life. A life of no expectations. A life of fun. And then I remembered, this was not a life of fun. It was a life of lack of freedom. A life of selfishness in which no one mattered but myself. I was going down a road of destruction. I can look at some people that seem to have all the money in the world and seem to have it all together but I don't know what they go through each and every day. I've had a life of endless money and believe me it wasn't all it was cut out to be. Because that's what ruled our world. The money. Everything revolved around how much money we had or could make.
And now God has taken my husband and I to a place that money needs to be the last priority on our list. I don't think I've ever been this broke before in my life. I can remember a time when I was a single Mom and lived in an apartment that needed to be condemned. My youngest son and I stayed there and it should have seemed hopeless but it didn't. We enjoyed our time together. I enjoyed my time with God. That's where I found God....in the midst of my quiet time when I needed to seek Him and cry out to Him because I had nothing else. And it seems as though I've been taken full circle and here I am again. I can't imagine why. But I think about how we all get to a place where we worry about when the money will start rolling in so we can enjoy life. We always have the "whens" in our life. Like "when" I get a better job I will be happy or "when" I have a great guy in my life I will be happy. God wants us to know that the "whens" take away from the "nows". I have been given a blessing of taking care of beautiful children. To be honest it feels like a redemption of not feeling like a good Mom to my own sons. I look at how I am with these kids and realize I wasn't as bad as I thought. Yes I wasn't there for them in the way they needed for sure, but before I got so depressed and numbed out, I was a pretty darn good Mom. Their Dad was always busy trying to make more money so the boys and I spent all our time together. When I traveled to see family, I traveled alone with them. We always went to the movies together. And I was there for them. This may not be what they remember because divorce is an ugly thing. They may only remember what was told to them even when a good sum of them were lies. But someday they will know the truth. They will know how much I love them and how much I've always loved them.
You see, nothing is hopeless. Not our situation today. Not any situation down the road. God always gives us a second chance. And sometimes even a few awakening calls as I'm going through now. I need to stay focused on what's important in life and it's definitely not money. It's the love a child as they hug your neck or give you a big kiss. Or maybe just a smile or help from a great friend. It's not the "things"....it's the "needs" God has put before us. Which #1 is Him and then family and friends. No amount of money in the world can buy that. I'll take love over things any day! I hope you find the joy in your "nows" today!

"Listen with respect to the father who raised you,
and when your mother grows old, don't neglect her.
Buy truth—don't sell it for love or money;
buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight.
Parents rejoice when their children turn out well;
wise children become proud parents.
So make your father happy!
Make your mother proud!"

Proverbs 23:22-25 (The Message)

Put out a Fleece Today!

"We often labor under the misguided notion that Satan wants us to do his will. Satan has no will in our lives. He only wants us to do our will. We have met the enemy, and he is us." (Having a Mary Heart - Joanna Weaver)

I saw this book in my bookcase this morning and was drawn to it. I just opened up the book and it randomly fell open to this page. I think it describes what I'm going through right now. I need to always look at every situation with the right mindset and that is I will prevail and the enemy will not use me against myself. The enemy knows my weaknesses and when I hit a place in my life that seems so difficult, in the past I would turn to an eating disorder or any way to numb out. It wasn't Satan grabbing my hands, holding them behind my back and making me use food as a way of coping. I chose that myself. I think many times Christians blame their sin and insecurities on the enemy. It's an easy way out. I myself have had moments that I get so ticked off at Satan that I could just scream. But when I do that I am giving him power. He is the father of lies. Sometimes we think that we hear a word from God. It seems like it couldn't be from anywhere else. But I suggest that you test any word that you hear. If it is from God there will be a peace and a sense of relief. Of course stepping into new territory is always a little nerve-racking but if you are trying to decipher if it is actually from God then pray and tell Him you need confirmation. I've done that several times and I will either read or hear the confirmation. God isn't difficult. He doesn't give you puzzles. He's straight to the point and has the quickest trip to our destination of happiness and peace. He wants the best for you and me. If you doubt that, then test the spirits or put out a fleece. Meaning, pray something specific for confirmation and if it is not answered then do not proceed. I'll give you an example. When I felt like I was supposed to go away for treatment for an eating disorder, I specifically told God that He would have to put everything into place effortlessly for me. When it came time for me to ask my boss if I could take a short leave of absence she started going into all the reasons I couldn't and I started praying to myself..."God if you want me to go, she will need to change her mind right now" and I'm telling you that quick she took a breath and a pause and said "We will work it out. We want you to go." He put all the steps into place for me.
Let me explain to you how He showed off to me on my trip to Arizona for this eating disorder treatment. Hummingbirds are very special to me. They have significant meaning. I was dropped off in Denver to spend the night and get on the airplane the next morning. I got to the airport alright but reality set in on how long I was going to be gone away from my boys and away from life. I thought to myself "I could just run. No one would even miss me for 45 days." And about that time they called for us to board the plane. And I kept hearing God tell me to look at the plane. I started walking down the hallway to board but couldn't see anything on the plane. Once I got to where I could see, there was a huge hummingbird on the plane. And I was seated at a window so that when I looked out I could see a very small hummingbird on the wing right next to me all the way there. I had such a peace come over me. I knew God was riding next to me.
That's what God will do for you too. Test Him. Not out of manipulation but out of obedience. He loves that we are willing to come to Him to make sure we are getting it right. We are not "bugging" Him. We are loving Him and asking advice from a Daddy that loves us beyond our wildest dreams. Take time on any decision you are having trouble making today. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”- Colossians 3:13

I don't know if someone reading this needs this scripture today but I felt like I needed to add this to the bottom of my blog. Enjoy your day - may it be blessed.

Reporting for Duty

My husband and I have been going through some challenges. I choose to call them challenges because it is just a bump in the road to our destination. With challenges, you face them and can either quit or move forward. I've chosen to move forward and the great thing about it is that we are both moving forward together in a way that we never have before. God is doing a mighty work in the both of us.
Now I have to admit that over the weekend I got angry at God and I told my husband so. I couldn't figure out what He was doing. I was trying to figure out why He had left us or the purpose of this difficulty that seemed to hang over our heads. Hadn't we been doing things right or were we being punished? And God showed me early this morning that I face everything as a mission. Anything He throws my way, even the smallest thing, I look at it and pray about what I need to do. It's like I keep putting my hand up to my forehead and say "Reporting for duty Sir". And He told me that I just need to look at it and let Him do the work, especially right now. I need to just enjoy what's in front of me and not concern myself with the details. I have to say that it was a relief to hear. I can take off my "duty gear" and put on my "play clothes". It's time to enjoy life.
Sometimes we pray for things and we feel like our prayers are not being answered but that is just not true. I did think that this past weekend. But now as this week has progressed so has the love of God in our lives. He is answering them in a way that I would have never seen in a million years. I've been praying for a sense of family and to have a place that our children, grandchildren, family and friends could gather. And He seems to be taking us to that place. A place that will finally feel like "home". Don't get me wrong, we've lived in a nice house. And have enjoyed it and been very blessed in so many ways. But this new "home" seems different. Maybe it is because my husband and I will be redoing and building this house together. It will be OUR home. Once that is full of God's love as well as ours. I'm excited.
I have to share with you what happened this morning. I had decided to take a shower while our youngest grandchild was sleeping. The other 3 were busy playing and I briefly said I was taking a shower but when I got out one of the older grandkids was standing at the front door looking outside with tears coming down his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I thought you left me". I gave him a big hug and told him to look me in the eyes and I told him I would never leave him. And he smiled back as I wiped his tears and went back to playing.
This reminds me of God's love for us. He tells us He will never leave us and wipes our tears for us. Sometimes we feel all alone but God is right there. He is right next to us. He will not leave us. We are the ones that leave Him because we get tired of waiting or feel left alone. He is always waiting to give us a hug and wipe our tears and say "My Child I love you and I will never leave you. Believe that and know I will always be here. Now go on and play and live your life and let me take care of the details." I pray that you find comfort in knowing that today. Picture Him taking your face in His hands and telling you that you are going to be just fine and the challenges are going to be faced and won!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Patience in Waiting on Him

I gave the message this past Saturday at Food Outreach and I just felt led to share some of it with you today in my blog. I hope this helps you in this season of your life as it is mine.
He knows it’s painful for us when we are waiting for our prayers to be answered. In fact I truly believe there are times that He weeps with us during the process. What we don’t understand sometimes is that it isn’t always about us. We can try to be righteous and upright Christians and then wonder why God seems to be punishing us. But it may just be that God is needing to put everything into place for us. I don’t think we realize every little detail that goes into orchestrating the paths of our lives. Our Father absolutely loves us and wants the best for us. That is why He tests our faith and character. He knows the little flaws that still need to be tweaked. But He lovingly adjusts them for us. The only way it is extremely painful is if we fight Him in the process. Do we ever stop to think that if we would just take a look at what He is showing us and make the minor adjustments life would run smoother? It’s like God is trying to take over the steering wheel of our car and drive the correct way for us and we try to take it back from Him because we know the quickest route. Which looks like the easiest, less painful way. But in the end it is the longest and most painful. I say let God have the steering wheel and enjoy the ride!

God asks us to be bold and confident while we are waiting.
“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” James 1:2-4

I recently heard a definition for hope as “the fuel for the journey of the unknown to known”. We are to be joyful under troubles. These trials are sent from God’s love. When we are waiting we need to make sure that patience, not passion is set to work in us. Passion cannot be the only driving force. We all have God-given passions. Some of us may know today what they are and some of us are still working on finding them. Regardless, our passions need to be developed. If I heard God tell me that He wanted me to build a home for troubled youth and I jumped on it today it would not be God’s timing. God has placed other responsibilities before me this moment in time. It is a passion, but it's not for right now. Actually that is a passion of mine.

God also asks us to serve Him while we are waiting. I know from my own experience that when I pour into other people’s lives in the midst of my own trials, that I am the one that is blessed. God uses my mouth to minister to others but as I’m speaking the words He gives me, I realize that they are just as much for me as they are for the people I’m talking to. Do you know how many times I will be talking and I will look up and say to God “I can’t believe you got me again” and shake my head? My Father is such a character. So instead of taking the victim role, God asks us to seek out others and help them in their own battles. When we stop focusing on ourselves and our own problems, life just seems to flow and we are able to wait joyfully on the Lord.

Deuteronomy 11:13 tells us to “love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul”.

“If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.” Job 36:11

God also asks us to Worship Him while we are waiting. We can rejoice in a Father that loves us so much that He sent His only son to die on the cross for us and our sins. I don’t know about you but whenever I’ve seen the pictures of Jesus on the cross...not the neat and clean pictures we see sometimes, but the one that truly shows his suffering I realize just how much God loves us. I look at my 3 sons and there is no way I could let anyone nail them to the cross and watch any one of them die right in front of me. I’m a small woman but I know that if anyone would try to hurt one of my children, I could do some major damage. I would not let that happen without a fight. So when the music comes on and even in the midst of our deepest trials we are to raise our hands and voices and praise our Father. It’s amazing how we can change our own attitudes by at least trying to be happy. Even if we don’t feel it, we can fake it till it just feels normal.

“Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.” Psalm 100:2

I think that the best example of this is Paul and Silas in jail......
They were unmercifully flogged and then, weak and bleeding, they were thrown into an inner cell of the prison and their feet were put in stocks. Their legs were spread wide apart and their feet put through holes in the wooden device which was used for torture as well as for securing the prisoners.
Did Paul and Silas moan and complain about being beaten and put in prison? No, the Bible says that about midnight they were praying and singing hymns to God. There were other prisoners in the cell listening to them.
Would we be able to do the same thing during such a time as that? After their singing, there was an earthquake and all the chains fell off of the prisoners and the doors were all opened.
Do you think the same would happen for us if we would stop to praise God during our trials? That the chains would fall off of us and we would be free. What is it going to take for us to realize that we don’t have to be weak in the midst of any storm. We can be secure in a Father that has put us on this earth for a reason. What is your reason? I used to say mine was to show other people what not to do or be but now I know that I have a passion to help other people heal and to know God. Some of those passions have been used by God and some are still being developed but I will be happy as I patiently wait for the rest to come.
I want you to listen to this song about “waiting”. It is from the movie “Fireproof”. Whether you are waiting for a marriage to be restored, a child to be returned home, healing in your body or any prayer that you have spoken for some time now....just remember that God hears your prayer. He has not left or forgotten you. He is building our character, and our faith along the way. I know that I would not be the person I am today if it wasn’t for the patience in waiting on the next healing in my life The trials have made me a stronger woman with a love for my Father that cannot be denied. I pray that as you watch and listen to this video you will let it go straight into your heart and know that you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you and that you can run the race while you wait.

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