Waging War!

I have been praying and crying out to God so much lately, I wonder if He is even there listening anymore. I was telling Him this morning that I am at the end of my rope and need Him to throw me His. I've been praying for a word, any word. I just need to know He is there somewhere. I remember when I first started my walk with the Lord. He would show up in ways I never thought imaginable. I would get little notes and see things that I knew He had placed there just for me. But I'm walking this road and I feel so alone. I keep hearing, "Lori don't give up!" Is it because He knows I'm so close to actually doing that? This season I've been going through for some time now has opened my eyes to so much. Some of the thoughts I used to have are slapping me in the face. I can remember hearing about people being homeless and living in their car. And I would wonder how that could happen if there were jobs out there. I would look at situations where someone had committed suicide and think how selfish it was to leave their family in such turmoil. I've watched shows on people that just leave and run with the hope of having a new life. But let me tell you, all of this has become more of a realty to me in these past months.
I understand why people are homeless. I have been looking for a job for some time now and you would think I could come across something. We live in a community where knowing Spanish is a must in the job market and unfortunately I do not know Spanish. Yes I could take Spanish classes for a semester at the college, but that doesn't help my situation right now. And I can tell you that more times recently I have thoughts of "why am I even here?" I feel like God has used me all that He can and my time is up and He is tired of me and left. It's a lonely feeling. And the running away....well it's a quick thought but I know I've done that so many times with my problems that I can't see myself doing it but the thought of a new life sounds so wonderful right now.
I'm not writing this because I'm asking anyone to feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I would ever want. But I do know that God has asked me to be vulnerable and transparent. So if I were to get on my blog and say "life is great right now", I would be lying. And to be honest, I know that other women are out there feeling the same way. So what do we do with all of this? We have to wage war against the enemy. This isn't a battle against the people around us. This isn't a battle against God. This is a battle against an enemy that has the sole purpose to steal, kill and destroy. And believe me, this enemy wants me dead! I can feel it all around me.
But if we can feel it all around us, we need to look at why there is a battle for our lives. It's because we are a threat! That threat is what is making me push on. I pray to do big things for God. The enemy knows that too. And he is trying to destroy me before that happens.
So for today, I am just going to rest. Rest in the fact the enemy will not win again today. I may be stuck in this season until God has everything put together for me, but it's exactly just that.....a season. And as long as I make it though this season even with a little frustration and not dealing it with perfectly, I've still won as long as I am alive and still walking forward! The same is true for you! Wage a war of your own today! Fight the right fight and let the rest go.
We are singing this song at church right now and I wanted to share it with you as well. This is our battle cry girl! LET'S DO THIS THING! CLICK

Home is in your Heart

I decided to share with you a part of my journaling today. I hope that it may help you with any of your struggles you may be going through today or the days to come. Remember you are never alone and He is always nearby ready to heal your aching heart! I know from experience. Writing in my journal daily helps me to get my thoughts back in perspective. If you don't journal, I pray that you would try it and see what God can do in your heart along the way. God bless!

"I'm having a difficult time today. I know I'm acting out in a way of trying to gain some sort of control in my life. I don't want to be emotional. I want to be filled with joy and peace regardless of what's going on around me. I'm so sorry Father. What's wrong with me? I know I didn't have a problem trusting and relying on you when I was single. Now I have a middle man which is my husband and I have to continue to know that you will speak to him and direct our paths through him. I feel so out of control in so many ways. I'm looking for a place to call "home" and can't seem to find it.
A home is a place that feels safe, peaceful and where family and friends gather. It's a place of laughter and fun! It's a place you can go when the world seems crazy around you and you can get much needed rest. I don't know if I've ever felt like I've had a "home". It seems as though there has been chaos around for so long. But what I realized today more than ever before is that "home" is wherever God is. I can find all of those things wherever I am wrapped in a blanket, with my bible, journal and worship music playing. So we might have our house and business taken away. We might be broke with no chance of money coming in soon, but I can always be at "home" with my Father anywhere I go! Thank you for that Papa! I love you!"

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

He is Directing Me to a Hidden Treasure

I have been pondering on the message at church all week and still unsure of how to deal with it or what God is asking me to do with it. Our Pastor talked about how he received a letter from a woman wanting to find her family because her Dad had slept around with so many women that she had found at least 30 siblings so far via Facebook. He happened to have the same last name. And it brought back so many emotions for me. Many of you already know that I am adopted. I've always been curious about who my birth parents were and what they might be like. But I've always known I was adopted and it never affected me. I would tell friends growing up and they would just act shocked and amazed like it was a big deal. I would just shrug it off. It didn't mean much to me.
Quite a few years back, long after my Mom died, I decided it might be great to finally meet my birth Mom. In my adoption papers, I had names of my birth Father and Mother. However, I had no idea if they were the correct names. I gave up with just a little bit of research, trying to decide if I actually wanted to go through with it. What if she rejected me? I had a friend that honestly thought she could contact my Mom and it would be a "happily ever after" reunion. She did the legwork and found my Mom. She contacted a close friend of hers and with conversations back and forth was told that my birth Mom didn't want any contact with me. She was remarried with a new family and they knew nothing of this baby girl she gave birth to so many years prior. So my biggest fear came true. And I wasn't devastated. Yes it hurt me, but I moved on. I had not had this woman in my life up to this point, I certainly didn't need her today either.
So that's not the confusing part for me. I was praying one day and I specifically heard words loud and clear "You know you have a Dad". God was reminding me that I had a birth Dad. And it was so odd to me because I had never thought about searching for him. Probably because of the relationship I had with my own Dad. A father figure, or men in general had scared me enough in my life that I wasn't willing to even go to a place of putting another one in my life in that kind of role. So who knows maybe you will be taking the next journey with me to not only finding a new trust in my Heavenly Father but a relationship with my birth Dad! I don't know why God would say that if he didn't have plans for it. Regardless I know that I am searching for a time with my Papa or Heavenly Father that I can just rest in His enormous lap and enjoy everything He has ready and waiting for me. And know that He will never hurt me. Maybe refine me to develop my character but to see Him in the way He is calling me to. What about you? Where are you at in your "Father" relationships? More importantly your relationship with your Daddy in Heaven? It's time we find out together!

"There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
and directs us to hidden treasure.
Otherwise how will we find our way?
Or know when we play the fool?
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!"
Psalm 19:11 (The Message)

The Number of Your Heart

I recently had a stay in the hospital for a few days. I was having major chest pains and wasn't sure of what was going on. Even though I strongly disagreed with going to the emergency room, my husband was very adamant about me going. So we made a trip at around 11:00 pm. I was thinking I would just make a quick trip, they would check everything out and I would be back at home within a few hours. That didn't happen. They ended up admitting me.
Of course along with being in a hospital, there are always many questions from staff there. The doctor kept saying that I didn't have any risk factors that would lead me to have a heart attack. But my husband told me that I did. He commented on the stress we have been under lately. I just thought to myself "Yeah right. Everyone has their amount of stress. I'm not any different." But while I was in the hospital, God began to speak to me. I have a tendency to minimize everything that is going on. Not because I want to just ignore it, but because I think who am I to complain about my life? There are people that have it worse than I do. But God showed me grieving is good. I have had several losses in the past year. Not due to deaths, but due to change in seasons. It's not that I haven't had people to talk to, I just feel like they won't really understand. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but not at any fault of his own, he doesn't understand at all. He doesn't understand the emotions that go along with everything we've endured. He can compartmentalize and go on. That just doesn't work for me.
Now I'm not promoting for everyone to act out of their emotions, but at the same time we need to embrace them enough to see them through and be done once and for all. The nurses at the hospital kept asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what was my pain level. I would answer with the physical, but quietly I started thinking on the level that my heart was hurting with everything this past year. When my son was sent away for a year, it was a 10! No doubt about it. When God asked to me step down from everything I had ever known at the church, it was an 8. When I was asked to forgo everything that was comfortable to take in 4 grandchildren, it was a 7. But once I had gotten so close to them and was asked to release them back to their Mom it was an 8. When I think back to the marriage issues, it's a 9 and when I think to letting go of our family house that has been such a part of our lives, it's an 8. Throw in major financial difficulties in the middle, and it's a disaster waiting to happen. My heart finally said enough!
The hospital couldn't find any "physical" signs that I had or was getting ready to have a heart attack, but my emotional heart told me it was time to let go and stop trying to make everything seem okay. It's not okay. It's been a year from hell. I want to release it. I want to be done with the crying and the screaming, but I'm still in the middle of all of it. Trying to find a place where I can settle into and feel comfort once again can only come from God. I can't fill it with stuff, with people, or with keeping myself busy. It's time to rest in God and allow Him to love on me. To crawl up in His lap and just sleep like I've never slept before. It's time to just REST!!!! How about you? What number is your heart feeling today?

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."
~ Psalm 63:1

Building New Muscle

I am sitting in my room having quiet time and trying to find God once again. It's not that I actually lost him but I have not been as close as before. I was asking him last night when I went to bed about what happened. I wanted to know what happened to me. Why have I gotten weak? I remember when I fist began my relationship with Him. I would cry every weekend at church and I had such a reliance on God. I talked to him about everything and knew so intimately that he was there with me.
So I sit here today wondering why I feel so distant. What God spoke to me last night was that "Life happened". When I came to know him I was single and focused on my boys and building a relationship with them and trying to survive financially. It seems as though many years later, I'm married but right back to the same place only different. I'm still working on my relationship with my boys. Some of them are better and some are worse. And when you get married and have step children and families, it's another focus. I love my step daughters, don't get me wrong. They are not the problem, I am! I am trying to find my place in the midst of life, including family life.
I think that we all try to find our "place". Women specifically need to nest and find a place they are comfortable. And I will just say that God has not allowed that comfort in my life for some time. I know the reason is to make me grow in so many different areas. Being in the center of the battle, I'm not sure of what I'm learning but once I come out of it I know it will be crystal clear.
It would be easy to run. I don't know where I would run to. I really don't have anywhere to go. But I can remember one day not so long ago coming back from my sister's house and feeling alone more than I ever have in my life. I had a breakdown in my relationship with my sister and she has been the strong one in my family that I knew I could count on. Once that was stripped away, I really felt alone. So on my way back I cried, no I weeped on a whole new level. And I thought I could just drive and drive. No one would really miss me and even if they did, it wouldn't take long for them to forget me. Yeah the whole pity party thing. I think I had gotten to a place where emotionally I was at the end. I could not take one more thing happen in my life.
I know we have all been there. You may be there today. I am still pulling myself up and out but I know that God is there helping me. And I choose to take a breather before I pull myself farther out again. I'm not in a pit. I am just in a place that God is asking me to reach deep down and find a new strength. Not one I've relied on ever in my life before. When I pray to go to a new level in my life, it means that God has to train me and work muscles and areas that have not been worked before. Life is always about choices and I choose to live today. I choose to give God my life so that He can use it. I choose to just be me, but me stronger and better than ever before. What about you?

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them." Philippians 4:4 (The Message)

Shedding the Skin of Oppression

I was having my quiet time and studying the Word and God took me directly to 1 Chronicles. The word that stands out to me the most is "joy". Once again I am back to that word. After my study time I realized that God is pushing me in a way to feel exuberant joy. Real joy! Not one that comes and goes, but joy that stays with me every single day of the rest of my life. I want people to be around me and realize that my walk with God is not just about working hard and waiting for the next "thing" but laughing all the way through it.
I've been watching people around me lately. I see both. The joy and the sadness. I see people getting engaged and planning their weddings and they are so excited. I see the expectant parents waiting for the birth of their next child. I hear the excitement and joy in their voices. And I look back at my life and can't recognize any of that anywhere. I got married when I was 17. Not because I was so madly in love and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this guy, but that I wanted an excuse to get out of my house. He was a guy that was physically abusive and I knew that prior to getting married. On our honeymoon, he beat the crap out of me on a cruise ship and he ended up with scratches on his face. How joyful is that?
When I was pregnant with my two oldest sons, I was consumed about gaining weight. I was in the middle of an eating disorder battle and that was more important than the living baby inside of me. Once I had the babies, I was on my own. I can remember waiting for my husband to pick me up at the hospital to take us home and he called asking that I talk to the doctor to see if he could pick me up early because he was in harvest and had to get parts. Our joy of a new child was put to the side and we were resigned to being convenient on a parts run.
So having real joy in my life is so foreign to me. I remember a particular job I had and I would laugh constantly. It was great to have that every day. Since I've been home, I'm trying to find the laughter here. It's my own fault that I don't find it. I isolate myself from others. I don't really understand why I do that. I always thought it was because I didn't want to get hurt. But I realized this morning it is because I feel like I'm going to fail. I have put myself in such a position of being "responsible" that I've lost out on just letting go and being free in life. I can remember that whenever my Dad would help me out when I was a single mom, he would send me money in the mail and write a note saying that he was helping me out but in return I needed to call him more. I needed to be there for him more.
I didn't realize that I had associated people helping me with something attached in return till yesterday. I was praying about the words "falling from grace" and God showed me many things about how I view the world according to people in my past. Mostly my Dad. Now I have healed in so many areas with my relationship with my Dad. But the one thing that haunts me still to this day is that I had tried so hard to make amends with my Dad. I knew that as a Christian I needed to honor and respect him regardless of our past. I felt the need even more once my Mom died. She made me promise her right before she died that I would take care of Dad and not be too hard on him. He called me one day and we had the typical conversation and I was praying quietly the entire time to keep from getting angry. And he made a remark and I instantly lost it and spouted something back and then hung up. A week later he was dead. He died of a heart attack. That was the last words I spoke to him.
So here I am a very serious woman. I analyze things I say to people making sure that I was appropriate and didn't hurt them. I don't ever want to leave something negative in the air. And what this is doing is robbing my joy.
It's time to shed the old skin of oppression. God never intended for me to wear it so long. It's robbing my joy. I don't know what that looks like, but I know I will find it very soon. I am helping children 1 night a week. Talk about finding joy and laughter. It's just what the doctor ordered. Or should I say the great physician himself. I pray that you will find your true joy. Not the joy that just shows up every now and again but the joy that is deep down. And if it doesn't come naturally, I pray that you will allow God to show you what old skin you need to shed.

As I was journaling this morning, this song played on the radio. It's been a song that God plays for me so that I know He is still there. I hope you can find some comfort in it today as well. Click

Half-Hearted Prayers

Today is going to be a great day! I'm telling myself that because I have to believe it. The opposite is unthinkable. I've had way too many of the other days. You know how you pray and believe in your heart that things are going to change and God is going to answer your prayers. You believe it in your heart, but not with your WHOLE heart. It's because we think we are not worthy of something so wonderful. That it is for someone else more worthy - that lives their life without any difficulties or sin issues. Surely God will bless them before me. And let's face it, there has to be a long line of people before me. So it's hard to think that my time may be coming soon. God doesn't want us to live half-heartedly. Or not allowing Him to use us to our full potential.
Let's face it! Who is without sin? I can think of several of my closest friends and I look at how they live their lives and how awesome their personalities are and I think "Wow they really have it together". But at the same token, I'm sure people might think the same about me. I look at how the closest people around me are having things fall into place for them. And I ask God, "What is wrong with me? What do I need to change? What are they doing so well, that I'm not?" I'm honest when I say I am completely happy for them and how God is putting everything together for them. I just use them as an example of how I should be.
Then I realize I'm comparing myself to them. And God doesn't ask us to do that. We are all created unique. We all serve a purpose and mine is different than one of my friends. That's why the body of Christ makes everything happen victoriously. It's the same with our own body. We need all the parts working together in order for us to function appropriately and effectively.
I have to stay positive in my prayers and realize that God loves me so much that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. And He is not willing to sit back and only give me half - but the whole thing. That's why we cannot just settle for giving Him half our heart. We reap what we sow. So if I sow half-hearted prayers, I will reap half-hearted prayers! I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to accept that. I want it all! I will expect big things and I will give God my entire heart. I will not worry about getting hurt or rejected! I know that God is waiting for me to accept what He has waiting for me and know that I may not deserve it, but He loves me and wants to bless me anyways! And guess what, He loves you just as much! We are all His favorite. What is your prayer today?

"This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it's out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God's glory. It's that simple." Colossians 1:26-27 (The Message)